Overwhelming Sadness
I don't know how much more of this I can take. Everytime I think of Gene my heart breaks all over again. I miss him more and more each day that passes. I can't sleep and I have horrible anxiety all the time. Some days I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. I have no ambition to do anything and my house is a mess. Everything I did I did because of Gene and my son. Now it's just me and there seems to reason to do anything. I feel I should be further along the grieving path by now, but we had such a strong and beautiful relationship and he had such a presence about him. Now the house is so empty and I get so lonely that I just go to sleep to escape. It's all too hard. Then, my job is so boring it seems like the time just crawls by and leaves me too much time to think about my sorrow. I'd love to find a new job but the market around here isn't very strong right now and at least this job pays me well enough to get by. I feel stuck here. Why did God take my husband and leave me with this depression and sadness?
Replies
I feel your pain and I am 100% with you. It will be 3 years in August since I lost my husband and I feel everything you said all the time. I hate Friday\'s because I know when I get home I will sit in front of the TV and do nothing all weekend. I don\'t go out, see anyone, clean anything I just watch TV and sometimes the same shows over and over again. TV takes my mind off of my loneliness. Then comes Monday morning and back to work to hear of the great times the other girls in the office had with their husbands. The flowers they get all the things I once had GONE. I still have 2 kids at home but my son stays in his room 24/7 and at 19 he still does not have a job and could care less about finding one either. My daughter works, goes out and getting ready to go back to a local college . I find the hardest thing is the horrible need to have someone to talk to like I did with my husband. He would call me at least 5 times a day. We always worked opposite shifts so weekends were our date nights but he called everyday to talk about what I wanted to do, where we could go and anything just to call. The only calls I get now are one of my daughters when they have a problem. I did join a few different support groups and for a while at least I did get to hang out with other women in the same situation as me but even the groups seem to be fading away.
Does your son live with you? I know we live in the same state, I live on the Eastern Shore and cross that bridge everyday. What a nightmare that is. Don\'t know about you but it seems as if I have to fight for everything since my husband died. I never had a problem when he was alive dealing with anything or anyone, he always had my back and no one took advantage of me with him around. Now it is like a joke to everyone when they hear the things I have to go through with everything I do. I wish they would understand it is not a joke it is my life and it is hard to deal with alone.
Gene sounds like a wonderful man and that is hard to forget. When you have someone like him in your life for so long you just can\'t get over him. Don\'t beat yourself up for not having ambition or motivation to clean your house. My house is a nightmare but I am the only one who cares. I tell myself to do one small thing each weekend, of course it looks like I missed about 100 weekends but when I come home and see that one little thing I did over that entire weekend I feel a little better. Like last weekend it rained all day so I said I would drink my coffee and get busy trying to clean my bedroom a total disaster so at 9am I sat in front of the TV drinking my coffee and did not move until 3:30. When I did go to my room I spent 3 hours reading all the sympathy cards and things of my husbands and crying like a baby for hours. My face was so red I had not combed my hair, showered nothing but look over his funeral cards, photos, cards and letters. So I changed my sheets, went through a small pile of junk and then carried clothes down to wash. Once again I was in front of the TV by 7pm Saturday night only getting up for coffee or to throw another load in the wash and watched TV till about 3:30 am. I felt horrible come Monday when I knew I wasted another weekend. So anyway here I am at work trying to escape my thoughts. I will be thinking of you and I hope you feel a little better. My boss just came back from lunch so I better look like I am busy for another 3 1/2 hours. Take care and keep in touch.
So sorry your pain is still your constant companion! I\'m told it gets more tolerable with time!!! Sending you prayers..... Love, Sandy
Hang in there sweetie!