Overwhelmed & Beaten Down...

I'm not sure what to do anymore... I feel like I'm just going through the motions and whenever i stop and look around and whats going on i feel so disoriented... i start questioning everything... I question the choices i've made, the people i'm associating with... I'm not sure what to do anymore, I'm so beaten down and so overwhelmed with everything that it's really quite amazing my head is still on straight. I'm struggling every single day just to keep moving forward... to keep my chin up and a smile on my face... I got smashed...completely, and without a doubt smashed.. I dont remember everything that happened, and when I saw a guy i knew that was at the party the next morning he commented on how smiley i was and said i was so sad and depressed at the party and i kept giving him a "sad face".. It makes me wonder why my friends let me continue to drink.. but i know they couldnt stop me, they struggled just to get me to go home... I like to live my life with no regrets.. It's how i've always been.. for years upon years there was only one thing i ever regretted..not getting to know my grand-dad better before he died, but at the same time.. I was young and shy, and I regret it now because i have hindsight on the situation. He was gay, I'm bisexual, it would have been nice to have been able to talk to him about it but at the time i hadn't fully acknowledged that I'm bisexual and i never knew he was gay.. but still, i regret not getting to know him a little better. But.. now I live with so many regrets... In the past 6-7 months my life has flipped completely upside down..and it all started with my breaking up with my boyfriend of two and a half years because my "best friend" snuck her way in when we were having problems and made him attracted to her and stole him away from me... I loved him so much, so much that I put his happiness before my own... I wanted him to be happy and he was happy when he was with her, happier than he ever was with me... yet i still hold on to this fleeting hope that we'll get back together... He and i have talked about it, we've talked about how we miss one another and how we want to be back together and we wish we could go back in time... but.... his actions dont match up with his words... They're "starting a life together" and trying to start up their own business... they're living together and the more i write...the more pathetic i seem.... I ordered a drink on saturday night thinking i could handle it, I was told they werent coming so i ordered it pre-maturely... and i had already had a sip thus i was hooked, and the second i saw them walk in together i slammed it so fast and ordered another... Vodka Slime.. damn good, and damn strong... I'm also an incredible light weight (tends to happen when you go stone-cold sober and rarely drink before hand-even rarer get drunk). I completely lost it and all i want to do right now is walk into my kitchen and grab out a mango cider... they're my brother's gf's but she doesn't like them and told me i could have them.... I want them so badly but i know i shouldn't... If i drink them, I'll continue to drink the whiskey, scotch and vodka we have as well.... I dont even know what i want anymore... I want to be sober, i want to get my life on track, but i also just want to have some goddamned fun. I have gone through so much in the past 6-7 months... with my bf and i breaking up (we were practically engaged), dealing with my best friend betraying me DAYS after we broke up while she was still dating my best friend, going through the depression and the physical pain of reliving my miscarriage, my sister having a psychotic break and ending up having to be hospitalized for bi-polar disorder and then finding out that i too have it but it's not as serious... The day we had to bring my sister in to the hospital was one of the hardest days of my life....and that's really saying a lot... She screamed in my face to get away from her, then screamed at me because she wanted me to be near her and she needed a hug.. back and forth... she told me she didnt want to see me, she wanted everyone else near her except for me... she's my big sister, i've looked up to her for years.... and she doesnt even remember any of this.... She doesn't remember breaking her little sister's heart... my sister turned 22 the day they released her from the hospital.. she's now on a "vacation" visiting our oldest sister because she needed to get away.... I'm scared that I'm going to end up institutionalized....im not sure how much longer i can continue like this... every day i feel like im going to snap and fall apart.. I don't want to let go of my ex... but i fear that if i dont i'm only setting myself up to be hurt even more... but i just cant bare the thought of losing him for good.... I'm so all over the map right now... and im in excruciating pain, it's so bad and my pain killers have stopped working, i can't stretch my arms out or move my wrists around too much... typing is killing my hands but i really needed to write because im falling apart and im not sure how much longer i can continue like this. I just need a break...I need to get away, i need a break from school, from drama, from everyone.... I feel sick..all the time.. i'm getting so stressed out that im beginning to feel sick and i have to be so extremely careful that i dont begin to get migraines as well... i know they're soon to come... I'm so high on pain medication just so that i can get through each day, that I cant even focus on my school work anymore... I went from being an A student in my statistics class to having a C+/B-.... I was doing amazing, and now im barely scraping by... I'm so beyond done.. I want to drink and not stop... i want to party and not give a shit what i do... I just want to feel free for once in my fu*king life. I just...hurt...so bad....