Others

Sinza turns 3 years next month. Yesterday a family lost their 18 year old princess. Death of others always makes me ponder about the death of my daughter.  In one thought I think I would take 18 years of life for her, before she got to be taken away, unlike this where she was taken before we even got in a single second. In another thought I think how bloody cruel..giving her to me for 18 years..I invest all the love care and education in her and she dies just when she is ripe to start out life on her own..impact her world.. make her mark? Death is cruel whichever way you look at it.

And how am I doing nearly 3 years out? I feel like a soldier returning from a war that nobody heard about. The harrowing things I have seen and experienced that have no description....I am scarred for life..and yet I have been given the burden of trying to make something out of this shredded excuse of a life. Honestly I have neither the strength nor the inkling to do anything extra-ordinary..just basic survival.. i brush my teeth and my hair in the mornings..i go to work..i eat my food when I can .. somedays I keep breathing.. and for that I feel like a hero for accomplishing. I wonder if i should be accomplishing more..after all its been nearly 3 years.. its like the passage time is passing judgement of me and how far or nor far enough I have progressed on my healing journey. I am a rumbling shambles..maybe this is a good point to stop journaling.