One Week Update

Today marks a full week that I officially kicked my father out of my house. When I drive through the town, I no longer wander my eyes to see the town in fear I will see him! I just know if I see him out there, homeless and unshowered, I will lose it! :( My mother in law mentioned there have been "sightings" of him at the pavillion behind the local car wash. Apparently, this pavillian has outlets  for electricity (he took his phone that doesn't work and his laptop), bathrooms that get locked at sundown, providers shelter from the rain if needed, and he may have a "neighbor" kiddycorner the bushing he is allegidly living in... (I know most of this becuase when he made his last trip back to grab things - last Monday- he told my mother... probably in hopes she would tell me and I would feel bad??).

I think knowing the bathroom and electricity part, for some reason, made me feel better? But then part of me was like... M.F. has it easy even after being kicked out! LOL. All well... he will either get help or... spend his last years out there. :'(

My husband seems to forget that, even though he is shitty, he is my dad and this deeply hurts  me. He'll never understand my pain and I know its my place to help him understand, but there is no point really. Whats done is done and I can't go backwards!

I keep telling myself the good things about not having him live with me. It sucks, because he had never been a mean drunk, until recent years  and so my childhood memories are mostly good... But remembering the good of his absence helps a little. 

No coming home to a stinky, angry, drunk free loader. Knowing I am not paying for him to do the bare minimum. My child and soon to be newborn dont have to continue seeing it. THe room he stayed in is being totally cleaned and re-renovated into a nursey for our November bundle of joy! I can't comfortably have a glass of wine and NOT feel like I need to drink it all in one day so that he doesn't get it- which sounds selfish, but once he has even a swallow he becomes a totally different person, hungry for more and will do anything, including steal now, for more until he can keep drinking. Days straight. Bleh!!! No worrying about my money, or my child's money. No having to pay  for his nicotine addiction. No having to listen to him complain about every DAMN thing!!!!! 

This guy lives for FREE, only had three-four MAIN chores to replace paying rent AND he complained about EVERYTHING and did a shitty job at cleaning anything... 

Although I am sad and feel guilt... there is a sense of relief and a weight lifted from my shoulders. All I wish for is that my next life give me parents that I can be proud of... no substance abuse. More involved and helpful... Seeing my husband with my daughter... she is so lucky to have him. I have NO IDEA what it's like to have a father. I ddo ahve a step father, but he and my mom are in thier own world and are more self satifiers so... I am on my own... But I am starting me own little family, and I need to focus on that. 

Rant over. LOL