one of those days

It's just one of those days where I feel like checking out....like everything and everyone in this life sucks and I just want to walk away from everything.  I also feel like I wish I had people to talk to..but that will never happen.  I don't even really talk to the man I have been living with for so many years.  I shut people out...because if I even let them in a crack, they only disappoint me.  No one gives two fucks about people like me...on my own...just as I always have been, just as I always will be.  I should just accept it....why does it irritate me then?  I think it's that hollywood syndrome again..or perhaps reading too many books.  I walk around playing the tough girl hoping that someday, someone will prove me wrong.  the trouble with that is I am not some secret heroine that someone is going to discover is worth something.  I'm just the same old mediocre piece of crap that I have always been.  One that is tired of struggling with everyone and everything. 

i'm closing my eyes, trying to get it all down here and vent it out.  Hoping that I can make some serious progress on this final project this weekend and be one more step closer to at least being done with school.  Lately having a hard time putting up with anyone's crap.  I'd like to blame it on the lack of smoking but it feels like more than that.  Some days, I almost feel like the old me,  the one that would have said fuck this and just moved....mistake or not..at least have moved in some direction.  Maybe I am older, wiser, biding my time before that move,  ...maybe i'm just fooling myself and I'll be stuck like this here forever.  I'm getting nothing but fatter since I quit...it's all in the stomach...people will start asking me when I am due any day now. How did I get to be some old lady with a gut? FML