One More Time
I have written this journal 4 times now. Each time I try to post it I get an error message that Daily Strength is not responding. This is my last try today. I wrote the journal in my word program and I've copied it and I'm going to paste it and try to post it. I really wanted to write this obviously. The good news... with each rewriting... it got shorter. :)
I’ve gotten through the worst once again. I wanted to thank everyone for your kindness and support. I especially want to thank those of you who shared that like me you too struggle with depression.
I hope that the moms who lost children to suicide will perhaps come to understand that if their children had lived longer perhaps they could have learned to live with the depression. I truly don't believe its one episode that takes most of them. They most likely struggled for a long time. I have fought with my feelings of guilt about Cara's death. Cara did not die from one violent suicidal act. She died in my opinion from a lifestyle and choices that made it almost inevitable. It hurts so very much that I could not save her. I do know that I was trying everything I knew. Cara told me, it doesn't help me or her so I try to forgive myself and not dwell on it.
Its not easy to talk about struggling with depression. Some people think that people who struggle with depression are weak, needy, selfish, self absorbed, the list is endless. It hurts to have people think that but the fact is, I can’t do anything about what other people think.
I've been picking myself up and getting on with it for years. I accepted years ago I had to choose to live or to die. Sometimes as happened the other days the deep sadness invades my peace. I get tired. Thoughts of suicide are always lingering on the edges of my mind. I can’t stop them from intruding at times but I can and do refuse to dwell on them for long. No one, no matter how much they love me can watch me 24/7. I have to choose. I accepted that a long time ago and its actually helpful.
This is my reality. I can live with it.
I’ve gotten through the worst once again. I wanted to thank everyone for your kindness and support. I especially want to thank those of you who shared that like me you too struggle with depression.
I hope that the moms who lost children to suicide will perhaps come to understand that if their children had lived longer perhaps they could have learned to live with the depression. I truly don't believe its one episode that takes most of them. They most likely struggled for a long time. I have fought with my feelings of guilt about Cara's death. Cara did not die from one violent suicidal act. She died in my opinion from a lifestyle and choices that made it almost inevitable. It hurts so very much that I could not save her. I do know that I was trying everything I knew. Cara told me, it doesn't help me or her so I try to forgive myself and not dwell on it.
Its not easy to talk about struggling with depression. Some people think that people who struggle with depression are weak, needy, selfish, self absorbed, the list is endless. It hurts to have people think that but the fact is, I can’t do anything about what other people think.
I've been picking myself up and getting on with it for years. I accepted years ago I had to choose to live or to die. Sometimes as happened the other days the deep sadness invades my peace. I get tired. Thoughts of suicide are always lingering on the edges of my mind. I can’t stop them from intruding at times but I can and do refuse to dwell on them for long. No one, no matter how much they love me can watch me 24/7. I have to choose. I accepted that a long time ago and its actually helpful.
This is my reality. I can live with it.
Replies
Sending your a wave of strength as you continue on this journey. I am with you. Kathy
I love you.
What you wrote here, is my experience also. Worst part for me is when people criticize and blame, instead of trying to understand.
Loving hugs, Elissa! xoxo
Depression is so misunderstood. It is not a choice. You can\'t \'cheer up, get over it\' etc. It can be a struggle every day. The antidepressants help me to a point but it is still a struggle.
Hang in my friend. You are not alone.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Depression, it walks with me every day. Right by my side, waiting to jump out and knock me to my knees. I never know when my \"control\" of it will weaken and it will take over my life again. I feel like I am walking a tight rope every day. Trying to act \"normal\" is the hardest thing. Trying to keep people from worrying about me..Depression, is my constant companion...
I understand !!
(((((HUGS))))).....Julia
Tight heart hugs my friend.
so, number 4 journal worked,, glad it did,,, love ya!!
People are very ignorant and judgmental about depression. It is a illness not a choice - just happens to be above the neck and not below. Chemistry gone haywire like any other disease, not always treatable and often misunderstood. Take good care of yourself ~ Joanna x
Elissa...I think that is the key...to not dwell on the thoughts. I think once you let them sit long enough in your brain it gets easier and easier to get to the point where you believe it\'s your destiny and act on it. Of course the thoughts are going to present in our minds, we want to be with our children. Life is hard at best...then for us, for grieving mothers, hard is the new normal and we have this tiny thought...I don\'t have to deal with this...I can escape...but then we keep going, just one more day...one more day
{{{HUGS}}}
So hard picking ourselves up, concluding and learning if we don\'t, no one else will! Kudos to you for being strong enough to do it again! I love you!
You are doing your best and that is enough... More than enough...
Continue to take the best care of yourself that you can and just this moment and day is how to take those steps that you have been walking.
The really sad days are exhausting so I\'m always hopeful that we don\'t have to experience a string of them and can find some pauses in the midst.
Elissa, I too struggle with depression. I take Zoloft and it helps but the sadness is there. As Joanie said, you are doing your best and that is good enough. Much love and wishes for gentler days ahead, Linda