oh yeah...it's gonna be a hell of a day
He really is struggling to be nice to me. About a week or so ago he said when you go to wake me for the gym can you be a little louder... you whisper so quietly. So..this morning I go to wake him to go to the gym and I say..it's time to get up. He is pissed. He says..do you have to be so damn loud. really? isn't that what he wanted? I start laughing in my mean you have really pissed me off laugh and say you are un-be-lieve-able. Then he says...you go from one extreme to the other....gets up and goes to get ready for the gym. I'm so mad that I just sit there..when he comes back he puts his hand on my shoulder and says...aren't you gonna get ready? I say No. He says...I was Joking!. I say..you were not..that's a lie. Now, you are struggling so hard you are actually going to lie about it? He gets mad and goes and sits at the computer. I say so now you are not going? he says no. I'm like, fine then I'll go. He says..Oh, so now you are going to go because I'm not? I say...exactly! I go and get dressed and try to breathe and let go of some of that anger. When I'm ready I come out and put my shoes on and I say do you want to go or not? He says no, never again.. I say, you're so fucking mean...so fine, I went by myself..after about 20 minutes on the elliptical I'm not mad anymore but I've lost what I originally intended to journal about. crap. oh well maybe it will come back to me.
As the anger started to melt away I could see it like someone else watching from far away..he really can't help being mean to me. He was kind of weird last night and mixing beer and wine. (again I think, If I had done that I would be sicker than shit...just once couldn't he at least have a headache?) Dinner called for red wine (beef burgundy) so of course we couldn't waste the rest of the bottle.
Some days I really don't think he likes me at all. I do think though that after all these years he is starting to understand what I have been telling him about the kids...that they are getting older and will want their own lives and not be glued to their dad....what is he going to do then? All the years he told me I came last after the kids. I used to try and tell him that if the parents are happy the kids will be too..and that our relationship was just as important if not more so for the kids to be ok. I used to tell him they would grow up go off to college and start their own lives...then what? Now that he sees...I think he is trying to be nice to me...I'm not sure any of this can be repaired anymore..maybe there is just too much hurt and anger. Have I really wasted all these years here?
As the anger started to melt away I could see it like someone else watching from far away..he really can't help being mean to me. He was kind of weird last night and mixing beer and wine. (again I think, If I had done that I would be sicker than shit...just once couldn't he at least have a headache?) Dinner called for red wine (beef burgundy) so of course we couldn't waste the rest of the bottle.
Some days I really don't think he likes me at all. I do think though that after all these years he is starting to understand what I have been telling him about the kids...that they are getting older and will want their own lives and not be glued to their dad....what is he going to do then? All the years he told me I came last after the kids. I used to try and tell him that if the parents are happy the kids will be too..and that our relationship was just as important if not more so for the kids to be ok. I used to tell him they would grow up go off to college and start their own lives...then what? Now that he sees...I think he is trying to be nice to me...I'm not sure any of this can be repaired anymore..maybe there is just too much hurt and anger. Have I really wasted all these years here?
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