November???

November was really the last time I wrote in this Journal???  What the hell is the matter with me?  Does that mean I have been better? Yes, I guess overall I have been better ...or at least kept busier so I didn't have time to dwell on things. 

I’m having health anxiety today.  Some kind of stomach issue has me running to the bathroom and my stomach is growling like I am hungry but I’m also nauseous.  Fucking weird.  Today is also my boyfriend’s birthday…there is no way I am spoiling it for him with my anxiety drama. 

If the frequency of my journals is any indication of my healing one would think that I am better.  In some ways I am…in some ways I feel it may be just a band aid that when eventually ripped off will show the issue still lies beneath.

I keep wanting to come back here and journal…even when things are ok…just to keep track.  Whether from the anxiety or just getting older, my memory is shit.  For a while I thought that a lot of memory lapses might be a product of living with my ex.  As time goes by and I begin to lose some of the detail of this new healthier relationship I am realizing it’s more than that.

It has now been two years since I split with my alcoholic ex.  I know it was the right choice…people tell me he drinks more than ever and has gained a LOT of weight.  I know we were toxic together…but I still miss him every day.  I keep thinking that it’s going to fade but so far no luck. 

I’m still just drifting and going with the flow…not sure where, if anywhere, I belong.  Many things have improved….I have a nice apartment now that I can afford.  The work load has been increased on me so that part hasn’t been so good.  I lost one of my cats this month…all of my animals are seniors.  The other cat has not taken it well and I’ve been nursing her along.  I’ve a sad feeling that I may lose all three of them this year.  The dog seems stable but she’s got her moments where she has trouble jumping on the bed and just generally doesn’t seem to feel well.

I have that ….i’m so tired feeling when the anxiety subsides…fml and carry on