Notes and scratches
i wrote this last night:
It’s confusing, I don’t know how to make sense of my experience tonight. It’s as though my body wants power over my whole being. It’s been a long day. Perhaps I am tired? But I just feel like if I don’t have an explanation for what I am going through it feels like something perilous. I thought to reach out to my father but I am writing you. I suppose I can think about this really subjective sense of things in the way I make sense of things in the morning. Keep moving on one step at a time. Keep calm and carry on. Keep on keeping on.
I wrote this just now:
I called my Dad last night and I hope we had a good conversation. Sometimes it feels like I have a wire loose in my head. Sometimes I can keep things in perspective and consideration other times a force of nature.
I think we had a good call. He’s so patient with me. I am so grateful he believed in me when I didn’tl. He’s kept me striving for better.
Replies
Its nice you have your dad to speak to about profound things!
Agreed!! Thanks Nikki!
((((Marcos)))))
Here with you amigo. We just had a big full moon, maybe it was pulling on your brain like it does the ocean waves … I know it’s been pulling on mine a bit … my insomnia & anxiety were pretty high last night.
I hope today is good
Sending you & Blue big hugs from me & little Baby <3
Thanks lil missy!!
It’s like a battle between my mind and body. I am not all good I am not all bad. I’d like to be virtuous and feel a great sense of pride and value when I sense it. I like myself.
It’s also like an acceptance. I am appreciating the basic relationships we have here of surviving together and supporting each other, everyone carries a part of the load for all.
For that I am also grateful and comforted.
You are not all good and not all bad because you are human!
Everything you mention is akin to how I feel when grappling with general loneliness. And i think many people make rash decisions out of loneliness on many fronts, including me and actions in the past. But when reconciling the past, i think it can be a slippery slope of understanding we all experience growth and evolution versus becoming mired in fear of taking fresh, wiser steps in the future.
Maybe that doesn’t pertain to what you are describing but it’s what came to my mind when reading along.
Hugs, Marko.
thanks Nikki! I guess when we distill stuff down to the essentials we can feel really tenuous. I'd like to think I can handle
things well, but life is a struggle, it is complicated and messy too. As my Dad said to me the other day - the essence of this is
learning how to live in that environment. Maybe that's what I am learning to do in a sense. I try to find some truth to things -
but again, I just have to keep strong, keep fighting and so I guess I'll be grateful for the good things that I achieve and have in my life.
Life is indeed complicated and a struggle and very, very messy! Learning how to live and cope and maneuver and navigate and do and just “be” is pretty much what we are all striving for in a sense.
I hope you keep finding the things that bring you peace and joy, and that those illusions that others have perfection disappear. We are all here, one with humanity hehe, trying to do what we can to make life worth living. Your life has been stupendous and the roads ahead will be easier to navigate with every notch of wisdom accrued.
thanks NIkki!! Big hugs and kisses! I go to work now! (but I'll get there early and have a coffee and a sweet.)
XOXO!
Glad you have such a supportive dad. I hope you are feeling better today.
that conflict between mind and body is epic inside my own skin. as a child, i felt like a selfish pig for experiencing such physical vanities as hunger and not loving sex organs in my mouth. when those loose wires start sparking in my brain, i'm STILL trying to convince myself it is not selfish to eat at least once a day. i would never teach a child such a thing, but my inner child still believes the grownups who did teach me such a thing and those loose wires keep hitting that particular nerve, no matter how many more intelligent conclusions mama me throws at it.
my current coping is awareness. . .
them lose wires give my mind a mind of it's own.
there goes that friggin' loose wire again. . .
small steps, big faith and lots of prayer.
let god lead the dance.
thanks becky! thanks arfie,
you guys are wonderful!
Im so glad that you had a good talk with your dad and you're appreciating the close bond that you have
Life is hard even with all the blessings there are always the difficulites as well
Gentle hug of comfort and support sweetie...xo
Thanks Jan!!