not strong enough
I cut today…….I feel a mix of relief and shame. I wasn't strong enough to resist. I was doing good for a while….about 6 or 7 months cut free and now this. I feel that it was inevitable. I feel like I let myself and my friends down. My friends have given me so much support and understanding and now this. I feel terrible yet I also feel a sense of calm that only cutting can provide. Sounds weird but thats the way I feel. The urges were too strong to resist….the built up of anger, frustration and sadness too much to handle. Its my tried and true coping method and I hate it. Why do I do this to myself again and again? Will I ever be able to stop for good? I don't know.
Replies
I am sorry to hear that you\'re feeling down.
I have never cut myself but I had an aquantance in an out patient program that shared a coping mechanism substitute for cutting.
She suggested that you take either a knife or screw driver and dig away at an old piece of furniture. She would dig into an old wood coffee table that she didn\'t care about. She said it helped her avoid cutting.
I hope you can take yourself to the doctor to get stitches. Peace, M
we all relapse Pagan... and it can feel devastating when we do.. remember progress not perfection.... when I cut after abstaining for so long it\'s that double edged sword.... the utter relief... the omg this is what I need feeling.. I won\'t go into graphics but I\'m sure you know what I mean
then that;s coupled with the shame.... SI is shame based.... whether it is cutting.... as you said y\'day picking at a scab... not eating properly.. smoking... all these things I see as self harm.. yes there is the shame associated with cutting afterwards and that is just f\'ing horrible to deal with... but I also believe that shame itself plays apart in the actually self harm... I hope that makes sense
you gave in.... the urges were too hard this time and I am sorry for that... why you do it? I can only know why i do it and it may be different to why you do it but whatever you do please do not beat yourself up for this bcs this is exactly what will put you back on the boat of SI.. those hatred, shame and punishments scripts will just drag you back down again... some little voice will call you a failure and say well now you\'ve started why stop now?
it\'s a lot more complicated than that I know... you can do this Pagan... it does not necessarily mean a backward slide... and we are not disappointed in you... as I said relapse is always part of recovery.. its then a case of what we do with it that\'s important... talk to us and let us see if we can help you through this difficult time bcs what I really want to stress is you are not alone here xx
I\'ve never cut myself either but I can understand what you are going through with the ED I have to deal with. Relapses do happen so don\"t beat yourself up over it. Take one step at a time...you will get through this. Hugs.
Forgive yourself. Pick up the pieces and try again. The anger, frustration and sadness has flowed out of you with the cut. Do you have any plans for relieving the stress next time, before it builds up to this level again? Hugs.
Forgiving myself isn\'t one of my strong points but I know you are right and I will try. I have other coping techniques I can use when I feel the buildup of emotions getting to be too much but when Im depressed I give up trying. I have no energy to try so it builds to a breaking point. I hope with more practice I can catch it before it gets this bad. Next time I will go twice as long cut free I hope.
Going twice as long cut free is a good goal. Can you get some relief by mentally re-living the relief you got the last time you cut? I hear you about everything being \'too hard\' when depressed.
Actually mentally reliving it is helpful. I can visualize pretty good so I can feel and see everything over and over. The only problem is that it gets to a point when a good visualization isn\'t working and I have to do something else. You are right about going twice as long being a good goal.
I know when I am severely depressed visualising my life and pain flowing away in blood helps relieve emotional distress. I do understand where you are coming from.