Not Okay...

Im not okay. Not by a long shot. The past few weeks have been shitty and it seems I'm going downhill. I went to my therapist yesterday and I had reached this level where I can't do this anymore and I told her I need you to tell me what I should do to get him out of my head. It seems that recently I am somehow linking everything to Darek. I'm seeing him everywhere. I'm reminded of him constantly. I feel this strain that I didn't have before. It'll be 6 years on Sunday since that night. And although yeah I tend to get more emotional that day or the day before or whatever it has never been to this extreme. It's never gotten to the point where it's controlling me.

The thing is things are so much more complicated than just reminders. They way my brain functions, somehow thinking about what happened leads to this trail of negative thoughts that are not related whatsoever. For example, the other night I was thinking it's not possible that it happened, I mean it's not something you expect to happen to you... then I was like what if it did, the world is full of shit we can't control. That idea lead to me thinking about what is out of our control, death is one major thing. So I thought about death, my death, family, friends. Even strangers. The notion that people I care about may die before me, that freaked me out and scared the shit out of me. Then I found myself thinking well it's happened before so what's going to stop it from happening again. I lost a friend in high school - he died in a car accident - the tire burst, bus flipped, he was in the front seat with no seatbelt and he flew out the front windshield. Had internal bleeding and died before getting to the hospital. So basically it happened once, it's probably gonna happen again. So that thought lead to a panic attack and living the idea that my family died. That caused major panic attack and anxiety. After that I found myself thinking well I could control all of this. I kill myself, I don't have to deal with this pain, I wouldn't have to suffer through losing the people I love. But then I thought, well I'd be putting them in that painful position, but then I think it's not possible cause they'll probably not be affected by my death the way I'd be affected by theirs. I know I'm a burden after all. I know I'm a pain. I know they're better off without me. So yeah that's the cycle in my head at the moment. I hate that I can't control my thoughts. I hate that I can't make it stop. How do I make it stop?

I'm not strong enough to handle all of this. I can't do it. I don't know how to process it all. I don't know how to keep going. How do I block it out? Should I block it out? If not, then what should I do?

Yesterday R basically said that the best way to deal with the Darek issue is head on. Talk about it - when I'm ready. But I'm never going to be ready. First of all, I thought I dealt with it years ago. I spent the past few years convinced that no, it didn't happen. It couldn't have happened. I woke up in my bed - how did I get there if he did whatever it is he did? He didn't know where I lived. How did I not wake up with blood? If something happened, there should've been blood. How do I not remember such a big portion of the night? He drugged me? It's not possible, I had my drink while we we're still in the dance room. There was a span of time between then and the time things go blank. It's too much time for it to be drugs and I was not drunk, not even close. I had like half a beer. I didn't drink more than two drinks back then anyway. So you see it couldn't have happened things just don't add up. And that's how I kept it aside, how I continued to live my life relatively the same. Why is it now coming back? Why is my body deciding to tell me differently now? I buried this night a long time ago. Or so I thought. So Why is this crawling out of it's grave all the sudden?

Secondly, it's no longer just Darek. It may have lead me to fall into this deep dark ditch, but once I got to the bottom, I dug myself deeper. I started doubting everything in my life. I doubt my memory. I doubt myself. I doubt my wants, my desires, my gut feeling. I doubt the people around me, their words and even their actions. I feel like I hate everything. I hate my job, my social status, my financial status, my living status, my actions, my thoughts, and my life. But worst of all, the hate I have for myself has simply magnified to a point I didn't know existed. I keep trying to fight. Fight the urge to self-harm, fight the urge to commit suicide, fight the voice in my head. But I'm tired. I'm sick of feeling this way. I want it to stop. I keep telling myself, that thought that I'm going to therapy, I'm getting help, that gives me that bit of hope that keeps me going. But now I'm starting to doubt it. There was a point where I was getting better, I felt a little better. But knowing that I was able to get back here so quickly, makes me wonder did I really get better?

So the question remains. What now? Do I keep fighting this losing battle? When is my que to give up? Have I already reached the point where I should take things into my own hands and end it? A part of me feels like giving up is the right option, but a smaller yet stronger part of me says don't give in just yet. The part of me that has hope. I'm just praying that that hope continues to outweigh the part of me that wants to throw in the towel.