Not Holding On
The past several days have been difficult. My mood has sunk to the guilt and shame of my PTSD. I self harm with hunger and each time I am hungry I am released a little bit from this shame. I can feel what I feel. Lost 25 lbs in about two weeks. I have to eat dinner or the wife or she will complain. I want to self-harm again (burning). It is only a matter of time. I have come close several times and have burned myself just a little. Just a little to tide me over. I want to do a large area of burn. I don't know how to get rid of this shame and guilt. The drugs don't work. They are for bipolar, MDD, GAD, and ADD. None of these correspond to PTSD guilt.
I've been in therapy for about three years. The first therapist denied my PTSD and only work on the periphery but not really help. 18 months wasted. My current therapist has talking nothing but PTSD but I don't seem to be making progress. I am a mess. I wonder if the therapist will drop me. I don't seem to be making progress, I'm taking a dozen pills each day and I still want to burn. Why stay. I am unsaveable. I want to be in the hospital but one with a program that will help. I'm a mess.
Replies
Hang on Thor...tomorrow is your treatment day and you always say you feel so much better. I've not self harmed, but have read about it and the release of mental pain...I only wish there was a way without hurting yourself...I've read about holding icecubes, rubber band smacking skin which stings...Perhaps your body is run down due to weight loss? Maybe some protein drinks if you don't feel up to eating? Best to you!!
I don't know how to help but I do know you are worth something. Please try not to harm yourself by burning your skin. It is self punishment. I grew up believing I should blame myself for all the evils that happened before anyone else could blame me. However I have learned that everything bad that happens is NOT my fault. The reason for your guilt is in the past. Try to look to the future. Eat and you will feel better. Sometimes we feel bad because we don't eat. I lost 50 pounds that way years ago. I was healthy too but everyone thought I was just wanting to lose weight. I thought by losing that much, I would be popular. It didn't happen.
I don't know why we have to feel bad about ourselves but remember you are worthy of love and don't give up.
Hugs
(((Hugs)))
Miro853 - My treatment is every three weeks so I have two left to endure before they will do ECT again. I'm not going to make it.
Much love and support. Hang in there.xoxo
Please no more self harm. You need to eat to keep up your strength.
Thor, are you on maintenance ECT or initial? Is your treatment plan adjustable to decrease the time in between ECT sessions?
I wish there was a way to get your therapy in a multiple treatment plan. That would provide the safety net.
Mid - this is maintenance ECT. Once every three weeks. Not sure if I understand increase and decrease between treatment plans. The lady doc does the shocking and does not care to talk to patients when they are on the table. Usually, they push the anesthesia as soon as she arrives. I'm about 11 seconds later.
Multiple treatment plan. Not sure about that. I have a therapist and a PDoc for drugs but that is about it. There really is no safety net.
Thor, you are worth saving. I am sorry therapy has not worked so far. Maybe ask for different therapy. Have you gone through DBT? Maybe ask about Stellate Ganglion Block which was discovered by VA and seems to have a high relief rate. Hang in there Thor. Never give up. We’re here for you.
Thor my heart goes out to you. You are worth it please reach out for help. I wish I knew what to say or do to help you. Just reach out ok and do what it takes. Namaste pema
Big hug sweetie.... I would make an appt with your pdoc and let him/her know that you're self harming and how bad you're feeling.... Another hug... I am so sorry things are so dark..... xo
Thor, from what I can remember, you are on a multiple treatment plan (you have therapist and PDoc-so more than one medical form).
There is supposed to be a safety net. I am not sure how it is set up, Basically, it is a plan of action to help you when change is needed for your immediate well-being. The three week in between needs to be decreased since you're experiencing acute distress with only a single week.
Maintenance ECT is supposed to be reevaluated to ensure it is providing you with the best coverage. Like Sun and Secouya mention, PDoc needs to be made aware of what is happening. The whole purpose of the multiple treatment is to help you heal, not leave you hanging for weeks to the next treatment.
Best wishes, we are all pulling for you!
In working through my PTSD, Thor, I had to work through rage over abuse as a war child in a combat zone from a car bombing when I was 9. I had to work through despair internalized as a child whose parents were domestically violent to each other and their kids from being mentally ill and looking for war zones abroad to take the family to because such places matched the chaos of their untreated broken minds. Then I also had to work through shame about being the survivor of sexual assaults by a pedophile US military adviser who used the chaos of that war zone to prey on me and boys and girls from my elementary school abroad.
You have mentioned shame in several posts about your PTSD therapy, which has always reminded me of facing the topic of shame in the therapy for my PTSD, too. However, you've never referenced anything more specific in any of those posts in which you mention shame being a problem.
I can understand that from my own work with my own shame, since it's very painful. However, it became much less painful once I opened up about it. I've written here that my opening up about it took me 12 years in therapy, I was that locked down, so I'm not nominating myself for any open patient of the year awards here.
To the contrary, I'm saying I may have been more locked down than most. Yet there was hope even for me, too, because when I did open up it turned my life around. Unlike you, I wasn't able to come here until then, but I did get here and I've been able to stay.
I'm not suggesting that you name your shame here. I did it in the privacy of an offline office with only my therapist there and the door closed, not in any public forum like this one. It's just that since you've mentioned shame often, it occurs to me that your naming it with someone in a safe space, whatever that is for you, might help you like it helped me.
Or not. We all have our own paths to recovery. Your mentioning shame a few times just made me wonder if you're not at a cross roads in your recovery during which you're wondering which path to go down next. This is no push in any direction, just a shout out from a fellow traveler.
Hugs again. Arm around you.
Thor you have helped me so much and I am sure you have helped many others, I hope you get the support you need and things get better for you mate. I am here any time to listen.
Thanks for all the comments and well wishes. They are appreciated.