not a whole lot going on

things are going ok. but my boyfriend is such a moody sunnuvabitch sometimes. i kinda feel like i just have to ignore it. i smile sympathetically and nod, say "yeah?" encouragingly, and just keep my emotional distance. listening without feeling. otherwise i know i am going to hear a complaint that i will take personally.
he still does the word-twisting, the hidden blaming, with some of our discussions. it's very hard, because i am so combative by nature, but i have to stop and say "i don't want to go down this path, i don't want to talk about this anymore." because i know if i do, a big ugly fight will come out of it. so when i put my foot down, i usually catch some accusations from him that i'm conflict avoidant, but i just insist that i don't want a fight. honestly, i think that he does sometimes. he just wants a big eruption. i feel that way too, a bit, so i can understand it. the need to let something out, the need to keep our relationship patterns, even if they are hellish. but i just can't let that happen anymore. it's just way too painful for both of us. it's better to feel frustrated because i have to listen to him bitch than to fight back, because he can't handle my fighting back. he's low enough inside himself already.
it's strange that i actually feel a bit empowered. not in that i have an upper hand (although sometimes on an emotional maturity level i think that i may), but that i get to stand up for myself, and on a somewhat regular basis. 
no, i don't want to talk about this.
i'm sorry to hear you feel that way. now let's make a compromise that works for BOTH of us.
...
the whole issue of codependency... that's an odd one for me. because codependency is necessary for a relationship. it needs to exist. now, there are levels of codependency that make certain relationships unhealthy for at least one of the people involved. i understand that codependency can lead a person to sacrificing his/herself for someone who just isn't worth it. 
i have, to some extent, some if this level of codependency that some would consider unhealthy. i am a saver, a fixer. i think it's a maternal energy inside me, exacerbated by the fact that i don't have children (and don't want them). i want to save my boyfriend. i want to give him the love and the solid relationship he has never been able to have. i want to be the one that has made that effort to understand him as best as i can. it's selfish, right? it makes me feel good about myself. and it makes me need him to be sick. 
but i also really, really like him. and i really love him. he's talented and fun and beautiful and i've never been in a relationship where i've felt so much physical attraction, and such an intimate connection. i didn't know he could be such a raving lunatic when i fell in love with him, and i don't really want to have to be in such tough spots when they arise. still, our situation is, in a funny way, ideal. i have a place to direct my overwhelming need to nurture and protect. he has a place where it is safe for him to feel fear, and a place where he can learn that i have repeatedly not abandoned him. sure, it isn't the kind of situation that allows us to "overcome" our dysfunctions in relationships. but rather than trying to deny that these parts of ourselves exist, and to therefore force ourselves to grow out of them, why not accept them, and grow with them, together?
being in this relationship has truly allowed me to be aware of what my needs are. they may not all be defined as the healthiest needs by average standards, but they are my needs. shit, i shore as hell don't have the healthiest boyfriend, anyway.