no time
This morning I had an opportunity to catch up on mediating - its been a very busy week. I first thought of my boss - the vp of the co. He told me he thought hillary clinton was morally bankrupt and that she shoudl be in jail - but that he was still voting for her becuase trump has a screw loose. I'm really unhappy at work. I'm here because I thought my degree would impress my dad. It did. I proved that I was smart. so now what? I work in this unltra-conservative industry where there are barely any women - and I'm sure that my bosses opinion on what is "morally bankrupt" -and my opinion on being morally bankrupt - is not at all the same. What the fuck am I doing here? and where can I go?
Then I was back to focusing on my 6th and 7th grade self. my 7th grade self feels incredibly alone - isolated - unhappy - ugly - fat. I told her that none of those things were true. I also thought of my 6th grade self - I want to know what happened. 6th grade is such a dark place. I thought about the snail. The snail is how I pictured myself during an EMDR session. I hid inside the shell, and when I needed to do something, I'd crouch over to the head part. I could see thru the eyes of the snail. I thought of coming out of the snail. leaving the safety of the snail I feel incredibly exposed. vulnerable. like my epidermis is missing and even the air hurts. although there is limited space in the snail, allthough i'm odd hiding in it, it's still better than getting out.
My older wiser self said that I needed to build a thicker layer of skin in order to know the truth and that I was heading in that direction. Patience and work.
My therapist also called today after being sick for several weeks and is ready to start our sessions again. This was great news :)
Replies
I'm sorry you are so unhappy in your job. Jobs take up so much of our lives....we deserve to be happy in them. Could you at least move to another company?
I understand hiding in a snail shell. My inner children hid all over the place. It's amazing where you can find them and where they find safety. It sounds like you are taking very good care of them and loving them. That is so beautiful.
So happy your therapist is back. Yahoo!
I'm happy your therapist is back. I think it's wonderful the way you are able to get in touch with your parts, including an older, wiser part that is able to encourage you the same way you're encouraging your 7th grader. I have no doubt that as you get stronger and more healed you will move on from the job you're not happy in to something more fulfilling. Meantime, it must be very hard to work for and with people who - it sounds like - you don't trust to understand, value and respect who you are. Kind of like being a kid again : (.
Thank you LE for your kind words. It is great to have my therapist back! DW - you right ! it's like being a kid again. My boss is either very similar to my dad (narcissistic) or that is how I picture him in my head.
I am also sorry you are unhappy in your job. it says much about your boss when he can say something like that, it is almost an idiom. He does sound very narcissistic,. I hope you can see it is him who is closed minded . I am very happy your therapist is back and you will be able to get back into that process.
Thanks Doo :)