no no no no no
I am going to blow right about now. I cannot contain my feelings/emotions anymore today. Maybe I should have not written what I did yesterday about changing. When I feel the way I do right now, I lose all hope and just don’t care.
This morning I was all ready to start my day. While driving to my 9 hour CPR/AED Professional Rescuer class, Carlos and I decided to see a movie tonight (FINALLY!) and to ask our friends Max & Karen to join. Once I got things set up with Max & Karen, Carlos text me and said he was going to have to work later and we could not do the movie. Great, just super. I then had to tell the Fowle’s that we could not do the movie (after I set it up). I was very upset because whenever we try to see a movie, something happens and we don’t, but I did not voice my frustrations/anger to Carlos. Yet I did cry (#1 to make me freak).
Upon arriving at the CPR class I was very excited to see that it was the same man who taught it last year who was funny and cut straight to the chase. At the end when we have to take the certification test (same as every year) I got anxious. To begin with I was antsy from sitting down for so long and lightheaded from getting up and down so many times practicing. As I took the test (just like with any other test) I freaked…I overanalyzed everything. When done I passed and got certified but was so pissed at myself for getting a few wrong. Upset again (#2 to make me freak).
Joanna has not responded to my email from yesterday. Does that mean that she doesn’t believe me? That she thinks I’m full of crap? That I am just saying this because I feel that’s what I should say? Or if she just wants to wait (which is plain torture) until Monday to see my weight? I fucking hate this shit. And I cried (#3 to make me freak).
While driving a little bit ago one of the lights on my dashboard went on. It was the Emissions Malfunction Indicator light. Just fantastic. I looked things up and realized that in the worst case scenario I would need a new catalytic converter, and for 2000 more miles my car is under warranty for that. Even though that should be a relief, I still cried. (#4 to make me freak).
Yesterday I got really nervous in the afternoon when I weighed in on my gym scale at 99 again. Fuck, how the hell did I go down 2 pounds? DUH I was excited- but then nervous as well. THEN…today I just weighed myself on my scale at home and it said 100.1. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!? My scale is always lower than Jill’s or the Gym’s so that means I AM A FUCKING WHALE! No problem in getting to 100 by fucking Monday. I’ll be at god damn 105 by the time Monday comes. I cannot do this. No mother fucking way (#5 to make freak).
Carlos called me to say hi on the phone and so I swallowed my tears and answered. No matter how hard I try to hide shit he still knows something is not right. We didn’t talk long as I couldn’t talk without being close to bursting into tears. He now text me and said “what’s wrong with you now” I decided to just respond with ‘a bunch of little things- but mainly because xxx with my car went on and I have to take it in now’. His response… ‘Only one little thing and you throw your day away. You need to learn to happy. And it’s getting to the point where it’s making me mad and frustrated.” Do you think I cried? Like no fucking other and I can’t stop. I responded with, “ There were a few other little things that made me freak. I know it makes you mad which is why I try to hide it. You don’t see half the times I cry or get upset because I don’t want to hurt you even more. I don’t want to live like this. I am tired of crying all the time. I don’t want to and every time I do I tell myself that there is nothing to cry about and I’ll get over it. Yet it doesn’t seem to change or make a difference” (#6 to make me freak). I probably shouldn’t have said what is in italic’s. It sounds like one of my sneaky ways to make someone feel bad…but fuck I don’t realize this shit until after I send it. GOD DAMNIT.
I have been crying nonstop for approximately 2 hours. Why do I get upset when something so simple goes wrong? Normal people might get frustrated/a little upset- but I blow it completely out of proportion. WHY!!??!?!?!?!
I want to call/write to my daddy but I don’t want to look needy to him. I feel like Joanna would say that I ran to him for attention because I’m not getting it from the above sources/things listed that made me freak.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?
This morning I was all ready to start my day. While driving to my 9 hour CPR/AED Professional Rescuer class, Carlos and I decided to see a movie tonight (FINALLY!) and to ask our friends Max & Karen to join. Once I got things set up with Max & Karen, Carlos text me and said he was going to have to work later and we could not do the movie. Great, just super. I then had to tell the Fowle’s that we could not do the movie (after I set it up). I was very upset because whenever we try to see a movie, something happens and we don’t, but I did not voice my frustrations/anger to Carlos. Yet I did cry (#1 to make me freak).
Upon arriving at the CPR class I was very excited to see that it was the same man who taught it last year who was funny and cut straight to the chase. At the end when we have to take the certification test (same as every year) I got anxious. To begin with I was antsy from sitting down for so long and lightheaded from getting up and down so many times practicing. As I took the test (just like with any other test) I freaked…I overanalyzed everything. When done I passed and got certified but was so pissed at myself for getting a few wrong. Upset again (#2 to make me freak).
Joanna has not responded to my email from yesterday. Does that mean that she doesn’t believe me? That she thinks I’m full of crap? That I am just saying this because I feel that’s what I should say? Or if she just wants to wait (which is plain torture) until Monday to see my weight? I fucking hate this shit. And I cried (#3 to make me freak).
While driving a little bit ago one of the lights on my dashboard went on. It was the Emissions Malfunction Indicator light. Just fantastic. I looked things up and realized that in the worst case scenario I would need a new catalytic converter, and for 2000 more miles my car is under warranty for that. Even though that should be a relief, I still cried. (#4 to make me freak).
Yesterday I got really nervous in the afternoon when I weighed in on my gym scale at 99 again. Fuck, how the hell did I go down 2 pounds? DUH I was excited- but then nervous as well. THEN…today I just weighed myself on my scale at home and it said 100.1. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!? My scale is always lower than Jill’s or the Gym’s so that means I AM A FUCKING WHALE! No problem in getting to 100 by fucking Monday. I’ll be at god damn 105 by the time Monday comes. I cannot do this. No mother fucking way (#5 to make freak).
Carlos called me to say hi on the phone and so I swallowed my tears and answered. No matter how hard I try to hide shit he still knows something is not right. We didn’t talk long as I couldn’t talk without being close to bursting into tears. He now text me and said “what’s wrong with you now” I decided to just respond with ‘a bunch of little things- but mainly because xxx with my car went on and I have to take it in now’. His response… ‘Only one little thing and you throw your day away. You need to learn to happy. And it’s getting to the point where it’s making me mad and frustrated.” Do you think I cried? Like no fucking other and I can’t stop. I responded with, “ There were a few other little things that made me freak. I know it makes you mad which is why I try to hide it. You don’t see half the times I cry or get upset because I don’t want to hurt you even more. I don’t want to live like this. I am tired of crying all the time. I don’t want to and every time I do I tell myself that there is nothing to cry about and I’ll get over it. Yet it doesn’t seem to change or make a difference” (#6 to make me freak). I probably shouldn’t have said what is in italic’s. It sounds like one of my sneaky ways to make someone feel bad…but fuck I don’t realize this shit until after I send it. GOD DAMNIT.
I have been crying nonstop for approximately 2 hours. Why do I get upset when something so simple goes wrong? Normal people might get frustrated/a little upset- but I blow it completely out of proportion. WHY!!??!?!?!?!
I want to call/write to my daddy but I don’t want to look needy to him. I feel like Joanna would say that I ran to him for attention because I’m not getting it from the above sources/things listed that made me freak.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!?
Replies
Oh and a parking ticket in Phily that I appealed because I was not in the wrong (I had pictures of proof etc.) was just rejected and I have to pay the fine. FUCK
Ok i sent it to him. well something similar. i dont kmow if it was on impulse and i should of not done it though. i cant fucking tell. AND then i weighed myself again. it said 103.4 NO FUCKING WAY. SCREAMED. then 5 minutes later i got on again and it said 99.4, i weighed my self 3 more times and it kept saying 99.4
WHAT THE FUCK IS UP!?!?!?
I\'m gonna answer this in sections, so I don\'t forget anything, lol.
Ok movie: too bad Carlos had to work late but why didn\'t just the three of you go? And crying about it does not make you a freak.
Well I guess the CPR exam brought out the competitive nature in you not the freak.
Ok, so Joanna has probably a life and it\'s not all about you. Sorry but that\'s just the way it is.
I get freaked when my car makes a weird noise, so let\'s be freaks together.
Weight ups and downs are ed\'s favorite. We react to a .2 difference as if the world is ending. I still do and I\'m in recovery mode, so again we freak together or at least our eds. I hate that every scale is frikking different.
Ok, the phone call - text shows you that hiding your feelings doesn\'t work. Why not tell Carlos that you are disappointed about having to cancel the date, your car and ed. It would have been easier for him to understand that you were upset. And you know what when ed has his grip on us every little thing is a catastrophe. Both you and Carlos need to realize that hopefully this is a temporary thing.
And don\'t call your dad, not because it makes you seem needy but because you are an adult and your parents aren\'t there to solve your problems anymore. If you want their respect you need to show them that you can handle being an adult. Your husband is your main family now, not your parents.
Please stay off the damn scale!!!
1. carlos just text me saying we are going to the movie. i am so confused. i guess we are going. if i had just gone without him he would have been PISSED.
2. joanna- yes i know. i know its not all about me. its just this fucked up need that i have to get a response. i know for a fact that she always reads them and then we talk about in person. if i send her something critical she responds. even though i know this i still freak. wtf.
3. FUCK WEIGHT/SCALES/CALORIES/EVERTYHIGN
4. he gets to frustrated. i cant say everything. im too afraid
5. i emailed him...the other week he told me to come to him if it is a day i dont see joanna. i did. he didnt give me any pity and he said he didnt think i was looking for attention/whining etc. fuck it. i\'ll just post it. too much for my brain to handle
thanx karin. i cant believe how responsive and helpful and wonderful and caring you are.
ill respond to your responces from karrrin.
1. carlos told you that you couldnt go to the movies because of work. so if you had decided to still go with your friends it wouldnt be your fault, you didnt know that carlos would change his mind. i cant see carlos getting pissed because you decided to go and have some fun.
2. yes joanna has a life outside of you, but i think that you are used to getting a responce and you havent, this does not make you a freak, you are anxious to hear from her and monday seems so long away.
3. i think you are weighing yourself way to much, i know this is hard, as we obess over every ounce. i am so glad i dont have a scale. i freak out all the time if my clothes feel tighter around my waist, this is what ed wants.
4. i believe carlos has all your interests and loves you so much. maybe he gets pissed when he feels you are holding back. try and overcome the fear once and tell all and see what happens. keeping things in because of fear fuels the fear.
5. you are a grown woman and if you need to occasionally email your dad i think its ok, i still talk to my dad about things.
6. you are NOT a freak
thanks ann.
xoxoxo
and i think i am getting the message that i\'m not a freak...i\'ll have to ponder on that one