No matter how long its been ... it all comes flooding back ....

I live in a small community that sometimes feels like it's too small and at other times you can get lost in it. Today, it felt like a shoe box.
It's been 11 yrs this coming March 16th that my son Randy Lee passed away. 11 years .... more than half of his age when he died at 18 ... has passed since he left this earth. There are times that boggles my mind that it's been so long ... and at other times I can feel the panic hearing the words for the first time. 
As I've said many times here, I changed careers after Randy Lee passed from working in the school system to working in mental health. It was a needed change and a God-send at the same time. I've met some wonderful people since doing this both using services and working in the same field. 
Today a person who works in the Mental Health system lost her teenage some. He committed suicide but as I've said before and any mom here can understand is WHY your child has passed doesn't matter to your heart. The loss ... the ache ... the void .... it's all the same no matter how your child died. 
My heart aches for her. Hearing about this today took my breath. When a co-worker told me she had added " I heard it was suicide but he was such a nice, cute kid". I immediately said "The why doesn't matter and being nice or cute doesn't change it". He was loved by his mom and I'm sure she's beating herself up enough at the moment thinking all those things we've all thought to ourselves. "Why didn't I see it?" - "Why didn't he talk to me?" "Why did this happen?" "WHY WHY WHY...."
The moment I hung up from hearing I felt it. I felt that twinge - that race in my heart - that moment were I know it's coming back full swing. I tried to distract myself with work, getting what I was working in finished so I could duck out for the night. I held it together but as I sit here typing I find my own mind slipping back 11 years and wishing it all was a dream.... a nightmare but that I could wake from. 
I know her. We interact based on sharing common supports for some of the same people. We chat and are friendly but she's not a friend. Yet here we are ... two of the same. Mom's on a path neither would ever want or dream of traveling. Two of the same with loss, voids in their life ... lives that will never be the same or even at times wanted. Two people now connected by the worst thing that can happen to a mom. It just makes me sad. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Tonight I feel sick ... I feel empty ... I want to cry but can't. I want to scream out ... to just go to sleep and not feel for a few hours. I'm not honestly sure what I want. 
11 years and a non-related person, who I just happen to know experiences the worst thing I've ever lived through  happens to her and the memories flood in. The thoughts ... the self blame ... the "if only ... what if I ... I wish I had ..." and none of it changes a thing. Randy Lee is still gone ... this still happened ... 11 years and it's still as raw with a single event. The person that ever uttered the words "time heals all wounds" clearly was not a mom or had lost a child. 
Losing a child is far greater than the death itself. Randy Lee and I were connected. People always doubt me when I've recanted the night of his death being 280 miles away and having a panic attack at the exact moment he was pronounced dead. Having anxiety the entire day as he struggled with his last moments. Those with me believe ... they saw it ... they get it. Honestly, I don't care who gets it. I know my son and I had a connection that was like none I've ever had before or since. I know mom's get that. I know this person is feeling that ache tonight, that pain ... and so am I. For her loss ... for my loss ... for the fact that we have to experience this. 
Tonight, I ask that each of you who understand this loss say a prayer, a thought that God give this mom so knew to this pain the strength she will need to endure the next days and all those that follow. That she will find the strength to move forward and find comfort in her memories of her child. as well as for all of us here .... it's a sisterhood, a club with far too great a dues to pay. (((hugs))) to all of you and may you each find comfort in a happy thought of your child today. 
(not sure why this exact one came to mind but a 5 year old Randy Lee sitting in the back seat of the car singing his heart out to the radio .... "Prop me up beside the JUICE BOX when I die...." We laughed at that for years .... it still makes me smile :) )