Ten Months Later...

Anonymity. It’s such a powerful thing. I mean I’ve always known it’s importance, but it isn’t until now, that I truly understood the impact it offers. Once again, it has been a while since my last entry, almost a year in fact, but in my darkest moments, I find comfort in writing here. The ability to unmask freely without being judged is a gift I cannot seem to utilize elsewhere.

In the last ten months, a lot has happened. Mostly good, some bad, but I survived it all. I’m back because I’m feeling down. Not the kind that washes away in a week. It’s been lingering for a while. I’ve been doing well overall the past three months specifically, yet that feeling of not enjoying most things, the weight on my chest, and worst of all and as always, the guilt of feeling this way. The thing is, I know that everything is going well. I appreciate it. I’m grateful for it. I am amazed by it. But I feel as though I don’t deserve it. I feel like a horrible person for feeling so down when so much good is in my life, while others are struggling. Then I feel guilty for being depressed. I feel hurt, I feel like a total mess and all I want is to pop a few pills to help my mood. All I want is to feel better. To not push people I love away. I don’t want to push my friends away. Why can’t I just be normal?

Here’s an update if you were following and a little bit more about why I’m back.

FAMILY: Things have been good. My parents and I have gotten closer and my relationship with them has been better. I’ve told them about therapy, I don’t think they like it or understand it, but they’ve learnt to accept it. It’s not all perfect, but it’s better. It’s good. They’re also giving me my space –sometimes- which is a good start. All clear here.

LOVE: It’s going so well that I feel like I don’t deserve it. The previously guy friend I was senselessly attracted to -sexually, mentally and emotionally- but friend zoned for over a year because he had a somewhat history with a friend (F), has now been my boyfriend for three months. Oh, and I’m totally in love with him. A previously unthinkable and merely fictional concept in my dictionary. I never thought anyone would ever love me, let alone love me the way he does, nor did I ever imagine I could ever feel this way towards anyone, so I taught myself to believe that love did not exist. But this is different. It’s the first time I’ve ever said I love you, it’s the first time I’ve felt it, and it’s definitely the first time I’ve both imagined and discussed a future with a guy. It’s real. It’s scary as fuck though. He knows a lot about my past. Not everything, but a lot. I’ve told him about the night I was abused, he found out about my suicide attempt because of my scars (I didn’t admit to the rest though), he knows about my surgery, my being bullied, therapy and he definitely knows how horny I am LOL. Some of which he knows through our friendship, some he learnt after we became a thing. Regardless, he knows. What he doesn’t know is that I feel like he deserves someone better than me. He deserves someone who doesn’t have suicidal thoughts, who doesn’t have a problem with drugs, who isn’t prone to depression. He deserves someone who is not so fucked up. He treats me like a queen. He can be an ass, he’s no angel, but he has never dared treat me anything less than a queen. He deserves someone who is more stable, who is not so messed up in the head. He deserves better. What if he wakes up one day and realizes that? What if one day he decides to walk away? How am I going to deal with that pain? Am I going to be able to deal with it? I know I can survive, but will it be a pain I want to live through, I highly doubt it. And I don’t know if I’m strong enough to live through it.

FRIRNDSHIP: I’ve been very lucky in this department but I also have a big internal issue here. Problem first. I always feel as though I need to provide something in a friendship, and considering I’m not worth much, it’s usually in the form of gifts, doing something for the other person like work or papers or whatever. I’m also the type that always feels the need to be there always. So no matter when the person calls, for whatever reason, I’m there. Anyway, on to the good part. I have an amazing best friend (N). She has been there for me and I don’t even know why. She has been there through the self-harm, the drugs, the suicide attempt, and me trying to push her away. She’s been patient, she’s loved me even when I’ve hated myself –almost always-, tolerated me when I’m down, and listened to me complain more than anyone else. Most importantly, she always made room for me in her life. I always wondered why. A part of me thought it may be out of pity, I sometimes even thought maybe she felt better being around someone fucked up, but regardless she dealt with a lot and got me through a shitload which means she cares. It’s the friendship I didn’t know I was missing. It’s funny, three years ago all I had one friend (S) –I called her my best friend but came to realize she was not the definition of that- we’re still close friends, talk often, even travelled together this year, but there’s one thing missing, I can’t count on her to be there when I need her. When I came to Jordan I finally realized the real meaning of friendship when I met the three people who changed my life. One is now my boyfriend, the other is my best friend (N), and one is no longer a part of my life (F). F was the first to make an impact, she was different, she was there for me at first, we had many adventures together, went backpacking to Europe, had many great memories, it was a great friendship for a period of time. Unfortunately, time also taught me that she was a floater. Someone who changes personalities based on those around her. Once she was involved with a boyfriend, she tailored herself to his needs and wants and changed her entire personality accordingly. She lost herself and when confronted about it, she didn’t do anything about it. A changing personality isn’t really a trait I want around me, it’s not a stable one.

THERAPY: It’s gotten more and more difficult with time but I’m still going. It was actually going really well for a period of time, but then I suddenly felt the need to run away. After things were going really well, I began to realize how much I depend on my therapist (R). When something exciting happens or when something shitty happens, she along with Mo and N, is someone I want to message to tell. I don’t think that’s the relationship meant to have with your therapist. I don’t think she appreciates being randomly bombarded with messages from a client after hours. Not to mention, it scares the shit out of me that I now feel the need to talk about things. Depend on someone else. Tell someone else about things that happen. I never had that before therapy. I was okay with keeping to myself. When something hurt, I keep it inside, I don’t need to talk it through. What happens when there’s no more R? I can’t always bother my friends. But even when I want to run away, I remember that I’ve achieved a lot: I haven’t self-harmed in over 8 months, I haven’t thought about suicide for a while (but I’ve thought about death), I’ve been sleeping better (sometimes), I’m a tiny bit more comfortable saying what’s on my mind and I’ve been able to maintain an open communication relationship. Unfortunately, there’s also a lot to work on. I still have lots of hate towards myself, I tend to feel like I don’t deserve the good things I have/receive - my job, my boyfriend, my friends, my family, even the support I get from my therapist. I also haven’t been able to fully deal with the car accident –something I only realized last week-. I thought I did, but I’ve been having nightmares of me driving with my sister in the car and we get into an accident on a weird road and she dies. I thought I was past it. I was beyond shocked when it resurfaced. It’s not something I want to deal with again. The thought of it gives me anxiety. I think controlling my emotions and dealing with my emotions is another problem I still have to conquer. I may not have self-harmed, but I have relapsed when it comes to drugs. I’ve done it at least once in the past year. I was on Adderall for about two weeks. I was feeling down, it started as means to help me finish work, then it kind of kept going to boost my mood. I always loved that high. I am getting those cravings now. That’s why I’m here. My mood sucks and all I want is those pills to help me get high. I don’t know why I keep falling into this well of self-despise and hatred but I can’t seem to get myself out of it.  

WORK: If you didn’t know, I used to be a recruiter at an international company. Well known, but its environment became toxic about a year after I joined, so somewhere around October 2016. Well in June 2017, I signed a contract with a start up in Jordan, but it’s also partners with the number one consulting firm in the world. So now I’m a consultant. I started there in August, I’ve been traveling and I’ve been learning a lot. But I’ve also been struggling a shit load. The fact that I don’t know so much scares me and sometimes I’m too embarrassed to ask because well everyone else knows this stuff. So I spend so much time working on self-learning and doing the task which takes so much time. I feel incompetent and frustrated and it doesn’t help my mood either. That mixed with my self-hate and my constantly feeling down only pushes me more towards pills.