New Week. Shit Week.

This week has been a tornado of thoughts. Whether it be things I should be thinking about or not, I've thought about them. I've thought about recent events, old situations and situations that could've happened, might happen, and will probably never happen.

It seems recently that there's always a lot happening. Some good, some bad, but it's definitely a lot. I feel like I've been worn out. I need a little bit of time to catch up, but everything is in this rushed mood. Things happening last minute. Things happening back to back. Travel, arguments, therapy, thoughts, plans, and so much more that I don't know if I'm always processing what is happening, how I should be reacting, or what I should be feeling. Then I suddenly get this moment where it all hits me and I'm suddenly so overwhelmed by so much I end up trying to avoid it by drinking too much or by taking sleeping pills and knocking out. Basically taking the wrong approach. I really wish I could just sit still for a day or two or three and focus on resolving these things. As helpful as therapy has been, it's one hour a week and not nearly enough time to deal or bring forward the things that happened during that week let alone deal with all the earlier issues that need to be dealt with.

So far this week I've lost my best friend, I lost my boss, I'm sinking at work because I'm so lost, I'm doubting my friends and I don't know who to trust. When I found out that my boss was leaving (immediate effect - no warning) all I wanted to do was call my best friend. I was crying my eyes out. I know it's stupid, after all things don't stop with her, but it's a disaster for me because the reason I'm happy at work was that I had a great boss and I'm surrounded by friends in the office. My boss was key to this. She was supportive, available and responsive. Now I'm sinking in a world with no boss, missing info, etc. The Director who I'm reporting to for now is extremely unresponsive. I need approvals and responses to get work done, which I'm not getting. I'm sitting in the office doing NOTHING because everything is pending her response! So unproductive and demotivating honestly. After I heard I wanted to call my best friend, I wanted to tell her. I have my group around me, but she was the one I felt comfortable falling apart around. I couldn't help myself and I didn't want anyone to see me that way, that of course didn't happen the way I planned. They saw that I was crying in the office. So it really sucks.

Plus now that I lost my best friend, after what she said, I'm having a lot of difficulty trusting people. That feeling that I'm a burden on them is back. I feel like all I can say, complain about, whatever the issue is, it's a burden on them. I felt like this for the longest time and when I started therapy, I also started opening up to my friends and now I'm back to that doubt. I doubt everything they do. On Thursday morning we had talked about going out that night, I waited for details until 6 or 7 but didn't hear anything. I didn't want to message them. I assumed they went out without me. I felt so hurt. Around 8 they messaged said we're meeting here at this time. Was unplanned for everyone. If this was two weeks ago I probably wouldn't have doubted them like that. I would've trusted that this is how it is. Not kept thinking oh they went out without me. They probably think I'm forcing myself on them. Tagging along on outings they don't want me on. I wouldn't have felt so shitty. I wouldn't have felt so betrayed. It hurt. It's causing me to back away from them. I'm back to being quiet around everyone. Not talking as much. Not talking about myself at all. And I can't control it. I feel like I just need to back away. I need to stop sharing. I need to isolate myself again because otherwise I'm going to get hurt again.

On another note, my family has been treating me somewhat better. Just slightly. My dad still wants me to take over his company and wants me to train to take over. It's not what I want but he mentioned how I was the only one fit to do so. It sucks because now it's like he's giving me his baby to take care of and I don't want to. This wasn't what I wanted. I don't want to work in that country with people whose mentality sucks. I see how my dad spends so much time arguing with the people and how much stress and pain it brings, I can't handle that. I can't deal with it. I can barely deal with myself! I don't have that personality where I can spend my day fighting with doctors and sales people and governments over shit I don't even know. Not to mention, they don't have the respect for women in that country. They won't see me as an equal. They will be condescending and rude and will have the who do you think you are attitude. So it really doesn't motivate me to even want to try. My dad asked me to start slow. Help out with creating a strategy for their performance ratings and annual increases etc. Since it's a small business (20-30 ppl) they never really had something written and structured and wants to do that now. So I'm working on that considering I have the HR background.

My brother broke his arm. When he first did they jokingly blamed it on me, but I know they believed it too. It's been two weeks, he went for an x-ray and they told him the bones have moved but not in the proper way. So they removed the old cast and put a new one. They said he will have to go back next week, if the bones start going back in the right direction they'll keep the cast. If not, he will need surgery. I feel so bad. So guilty. No one has said anything about it being my fault, but I know they're thinking it. I know they want to say it. How is it my fault. He's clumsy as fuck. It's not my damn fault all I did was say hurry up before I get a damn ticket! But then why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel like it's my fault.