never know what to say, so much jumbled
it seems like a long time since I journaled, I never know what to say and none of it seems very important except to me.
life has been not so great for awhile now, work is very unsettled, I now have to go to the top to address the situation of my hours being cut to 4 hours a week. store management is not helping, they are assholes, luckily I found a store that needs extra help but they are closing early jaunuary for re model. the stress is huge. been applying no results, have to keep looking, but it is so hard.
my mother is driving me over the edge, her vision, her nerves, her everything and all that she will not do and will fight about doing. nothing is ever right and she is still the same mean, critizing mother but wants all the attention. grrrrrrr
I eating has fallen by the wayside, have no appitete and have to force myself to eat and I am not adding the more calories like I did and had regained the weight I needed, just a small amt but it was the minimum she wanted, now I don't know where I am. I could care less about food except for my bars and almonds, thank goodness for them. I feel so ugly, gross and insignificant. I know mykids would miss me and I would traumatize them forever dying from this disease, that is all that keeps me eating at all. I actually would like to go IP to exscape, but that is stupid.
life has been not so great for awhile now, work is very unsettled, I now have to go to the top to address the situation of my hours being cut to 4 hours a week. store management is not helping, they are assholes, luckily I found a store that needs extra help but they are closing early jaunuary for re model. the stress is huge. been applying no results, have to keep looking, but it is so hard.
my mother is driving me over the edge, her vision, her nerves, her everything and all that she will not do and will fight about doing. nothing is ever right and she is still the same mean, critizing mother but wants all the attention. grrrrrrr
I eating has fallen by the wayside, have no appitete and have to force myself to eat and I am not adding the more calories like I did and had regained the weight I needed, just a small amt but it was the minimum she wanted, now I don't know where I am. I could care less about food except for my bars and almonds, thank goodness for them. I feel so ugly, gross and insignificant. I know mykids would miss me and I would traumatize them forever dying from this disease, that is all that keeps me eating at all. I actually would like to go IP to exscape, but that is stupid.
Replies
You\'re not stupid for wanting to go inpatient, it looks like your stressors are wearing you down, you may need to try day treatment or outpatient group therapy [often cheaper than individual sessions]. Hope you\'re able to find better employment sooner rather than later.
Sounds like a very stressful time for you right now, Ann. I hope you are feeling better soon, and that everything with work figures itself out. We are all here for you.
*hugs* Call me when you get a chance... I actually think that going IP is something that you might need. Just take a break from everything... I know you think you can\'t afford it, but it seems that you are close to a breakdown and need some \"me\" time. *hugs*
Hugs, Ann! I\'m sorry that things are so tough right now. I agree that going IP is something to consider. You definitely need a break from all of the stress, and to put you and your health first for a change. I hope your employment situation improves. As for eating, please keep trying. You\'re very important to us!
thanks everyone, you all are so important to me. going IP wont work, I doubt they would take me and it is just escaping and my insurance kicks in for the new year with a 1500 deductible to reach. have to buck up and deal. I have been messing up, last month I didn\'t pay 4 bills, not intentionally, just thought I did I guess and now I am getting calls, so double money. it shames me, I am letting stress in all areas affect me in bad ways. I am eating, haven\'t lost any of the weight I gained, amazingly, bit that tells me I haven\'t done enough exercise. I only have 24 hours this week, not near enough with all the bills and unexpected car and home bills this month. even the food I do eat my bars, almonds, granola is expensive, its crazy. I stupidily told my mother I would make dinner for them tonight, bring it over around noon and then she asked me to bring her to get cards, I hope I can keep my patience. my pschy/therapist I saw yesterday told me again to keep my distance, keep visits short etc.. guilt... very bad news is that he is not on the list of providers of the new health insurance plan and I have seen him for over 18 years!! he does my scripts and therapy. I need to shake myself and get moving, this isn\'t doing me any good!