Negative test

My husband and I talked it out, I explained, calmly, that he cannot make jokes about me ruining a child or a pregnancy because it sends me into a spiral. He apologized, and genuinely felt bad, but he needed to understand just how severe of a spiral he sent me into. I took the pregnancy test, it was negative, however, I still haven't gotten my period (6 days late)... I have an appointment with my doctor on tuesday for an unrelated issue, but I intend to mention it and have blood work done. I'm still anxious about the fact I drank, excessively, and for the past 2.5 weeks I've been taking narcotics (less as time has progressed). 

I can't stop thinking about that party... I can't remember the last time I felt so alive. I didn't realize just how down I'd been recently, just how anxious, and generally depressed I'd been. I really bonded with Jerome, we talked about our lives, our past experiences, and shared some intense emotions. I feel horrible, but I found myself acknowledging that I miss being with someone who can walk. I've never said the words out loud, I've never even let them in my head. I found myself thinking about it when I saw Adam, I had forgotten how tall he is... I'm not used to looking up at someone. It made me feel...delicate.... It's a good feeling. Feeling fully encompassed in someone's arms. I never used to think this way, my husband and I used to cuddle, we used to lay in bed together, we used to act like we were standing while laying down...but he never wants to anymore. He complains I'm too warm, he says I'll fall asleep, he just...doesn't want to. Sometimes I feel alone, even when we're together.