need co-parenting advice!
Ok - all you who are further ahead of me on the co-parenting journey... would appreciate your thoughts. My ex and I have done ok to date. very civil. My challenge is he has a very hard time telling the truth around anything uncomfortable. (probably the root cause of our marriage failure). He has. A lot of anxiety issues, and doesn't have a strong enough character to counteract it.
So, he tells me vague half truths, puts strange spins on things. And does a lot of history revisions. I think it is likely he means it when he says he "doesn't want to hurt me" but the upshot is. The same regardless if intentional or not. I cannot believe a word he says. I cannot trust him to live up to his promises.
I am trying to be assertive about laying out my expectations of the co-parenting relationship and getting him to do the same. I want "rules of engagement" beyond the parenting schedule and a vague "we keep each other informed about kids..."
Do any of you have explicit expectations articulated? Any of you come across good reference material about co-parenting?
So, he tells me vague half truths, puts strange spins on things. And does a lot of history revisions. I think it is likely he means it when he says he "doesn't want to hurt me" but the upshot is. The same regardless if intentional or not. I cannot believe a word he says. I cannot trust him to live up to his promises.
I am trying to be assertive about laying out my expectations of the co-parenting relationship and getting him to do the same. I want "rules of engagement" beyond the parenting schedule and a vague "we keep each other informed about kids..."
Do any of you have explicit expectations articulated? Any of you come across good reference material about co-parenting?
Replies
I edited out names and locations.. but here a cut and paste copy of my parenting plan.. it has some MUST have info.. like when phone calls can be made, how often, who can contact schools, when you contact if kids are sick.. little details you just dont think about until they happen.. my brother wrote the plan for me, so I didnt\' have to deal with details at the time.. I think he did a very thorough job!.. i hope it helps a little :)
General Information
The Parents names are:
The Parenting Plan applies to the following children
(father) shall have parenting time as set forth below and (mother) will have the children at all other times.
Each child shall follow the parenting time scheduled
Housing Plan
(mother) shall be allowed to move to (location) with the children (or within 60 miles).
The children will attend school in (location)(or within 60 miles).
(father) shall reside in (location) and have primary visitation time at his home.
Each parent must notify the other parent as soon as possible of any change of address, but at least 24 hours in advance, including address and emergency contact phone numbers.
Parenting Plan
During School Year (approximately September through May)
The children shall live in (location) with (mother) and attend school there.
During Summer break
(father)shall have parenting time of 6 weeks (at least 42 days).
The parties shall agree in writing to exact dates of parenting allowing for shifting of exact summer break days but always ensuring 6 weeks (at least 42 days) of parenting time for (father).
(fathers) parenting time shall start no sooner than one week (7 days) after school is adjourned and ending no later than one week (7 days) prior to school
commencing again.
During Spring break (approximately 1 weeks or 10 days during March)
(father) shall be allowed parenting time during this period starting as soon as possible after school released as agreed by both parties.
During Thanksgiving holiday season school break
On odd numbered years, (father) shall have parenting time during the Thanks giving holiday break from school (approximately 7 days Wed-Sun)
During Christmas holiday season school break
Due to potential inclement weather during Christmas holiday period, both parents agree that the children should remain with (mother) in (location)
Upon mutual agreement, an exception may be made where both parties exchange parenting time (Spring break and Christmas holiday)
Addition weekend parenting time to be arranged upon agreement between both parties
(father) shall be allowed at least 2 weekend (or extended weekends) parenting time during the normal school year (up to 3 overnights each Thu-Sun).
(mother) shall be allowed up to one weekend (or extended weekend) parenting time during the summer break period.
Weekend parenting time shall be arranged at least one week in advance by mutual agreement. Weekend parenting time can be arranged to include school holidays to allow up to 3 consecutive days (Thur Sun).
Parenting time can be arranged to being at the end of the school day prior to weekend and end at the beginning of the school day.
(fathers) weekend visitation shall take place in or (location) because transportation time would be a hardship upon the children.
(mothers) weekend parenting time shall take place in (location) because transportation time would be a hardship upon the children.
To assure (fathers) weekend parenting time, the children may be allowed to miss up to two school days per school year (Monday or Friday as agreed by both parties).
Parenting time calculation
The table below indicates the average number of overnights that each parent will have the children each year.
(father)
Summer Nights 42
Spring Break Nights 10
Extended Weekends 6
Thanksgiving 3 (7 days every other year)
Total Overnights 61
(mother)
Total Overnights 304
Transportation
For school/summer/spring/holiday breaks both parents agree to meet at approximately half way between (location) and (location)(distance 350 miles) to make exchanges of the children at (location) or (location).
(location) is 208 miles from (location) and 140 miles from (location)
(location) is 149 miles from (location) and 160 miles from (location)
For weekend (and extended weekend) parenting time the parent visiting shall travel to visit the children at the other parents home and pay any and all costs related with the trip.
Upon agreement, different exchange locations may be arranged but the additional costs for distances greater than the above shall be reimbursed at $0.25 a mile or comparable amount based on fuel and mileage costs of additional round trip miles.
Exchange of children shall be prompt so all parties can make plans accordingly.
When making travel arrangements other than above the parent arranging the transportation shall promptly notify the other parent of the travel arrangements.
If traveling by bus or train, a parent or other responsible adult, agreed upon by both parties, must accompany the child if the child is under 14 years of age.
If traveling by air, the children may be allowed to fly unaccompanied by an adult only if doing so would not violate any airline rules or regulations and would not put the child at a health risk.
Parties shall be encouraged to use common sense during inclement weather
Planning
(mom) shall have the children ready on time for parenting time with sufficient and proper clothes packed and ready for the parenting time.
(dad) shall have the children ready on time for parenting time and return all clothing that accompanied the children for the parenting time.
In the even that a child is ill and unable to visit, (mom) shall allow (dad) a makeup parenting time.
If (dad) fails to exercise parenting time because of illness or other reason, there will be no makeup parenting time.
If a licensed physician has prescribed medication for the children, both parents shall ensure that the medications are delivered and returned with the child and administered as prescribed.
Personal Plans
The children will not be permitted to determine whether they wish to visit (dad) or not.
Personal plans of (mom) or of the children, school activities, church activities and other similar consideration will not be reasons for failing to follow this parenting time schedule.
Childs Activities
Each parent shall act reasonably in registering the children for activities, keeping in mind that neither parent is entitled to schedule activities for the children which will consistently take place during the other parents time with the children. However, parents should keep in mind that certain activities, by their nature, may take place during the other parents weekend.
Although neither parent is required to involve the children in any activity, each parent is encouraged to use his or her best efforts to keep the parties minor children involved in athletic events, school functions, lessons, birthday partied, etc., even though those activities may occur during one parents parenting time. The parents should recognize that limiting the childrens involvement in activities may deprive the children of valuable opportunities for growth. Parents are encouraged to use the childrens activities as an opportunity for the parents to interact with the children, meet the childrens friends and other families, and have a quality experience with the children.
Both parties shall have the unrestricted right to be with the parties minor children at school and attend school and extracurricular activities and events. Each parent sall have full access to childrens school, teachers, school administrators, and leaders of the various activities in which the children may be involved.
Each parent is responsible to keep himself or herself apprised of the childrens activities.
Each parent shall act responsibly and respectfully while attending the childrens activities and/or events. Neither parent should act in a fashion which would disturb the interaction and relationship of the other parent with the children and/or other adults present at the activity or event. It is the responsibility of the parent who does not wish to have contact with the parent at such an activity or event, to remove himself or herself from the activity or event.
Relocation of a parent
Parents shall provide each other with at least 30 days prior written notice of any planned relocation more than 70 miles out of the area around (location) and (location)
Regardless of any decision-making allocation of this parenting plan, any relocation of one parent that would disrupt the other parents scheduled time with the children shall require a modification of the residential schedule that is mutually agreed upon or is ordered by the court.
If the children shall be staying somewhere other than (dad) residence, (dad) shall notify (mom) of any emergency contact phone number and where the child will be staying.
If the children shall be staying somewhere other than (mom) residence, (mom) shall notify (dad) of any emergency contact phone number and where the child will be staying.
Medical Reasons
Substantial medical difficulties of the children will be considered sufficient for postponement of parenting time.
Other Contact
In addition to parenting time set forth in this parenting time schedule or as otherwise ordered by the court, (dad) has the right to correspond with the children and to telephone the children during reasonable hours without interference or monitoring by (mom) or anyone else in any way.
Scheduled phone calls can be arranged by (dad) with 24 hours notice. (mom) will make the children available at the agreed upon time for calls up to one hour in time.
Ad-hoc and informal phone calls will be allowed on an as-available basis.
Unless otherwise agreed to by the parents, telephone calls between (dad) and the children shall be limited to:
Scheduled calls no more than three times per week.
Ad-hoc calls as long as reasonable without restriction.
No calls more than one hour in length.
Both parents should be sensitive to the childrens need to have contact with the other parent as well as the need of the parents to minimize disruptions.
(mom) shall be allowed the same communication rights during periods of (dad) parenting time.
Both parents shall allow the children to initiate contact with the other parent at any time.
Restraint
The court restrains and enjoins parents subject to this parenting time schedule from making derogatory comments about the other parent or in any way diminishing the love, respect, and affection that the child has for the other parent.
Other rights (OSR 107.154)
Unless otherwise ordered by the court, an order of sole custody to one parent does not deprive the other parent of the following authority:
To inspect and receive school records and to consult with school staff concerning the childs welfare and education, to the same extent as the custodial parent may inspect and receive such records and consult with such staff;
To inspect and receive governmental agency and law enforcement records concerning the child to the same extent as the custodial parent may inspect and receive such records;
To consult with any person who may provide care or treatment for the child and to inspect and receive the childs medical, dental, and psychological records to the same extent as the custodial parent may consult with such persons and inspect and receive such records.
To authorize emergency medical, dental, psychological, psychiatric or other health care for the child if the custodial parent is, for practical purposes, unavailable;
To be the childs conservator guardian ad litem, or both;
Parental Notification (ORS 107.164)
Unless otherwise ordered by the court, both parents shall have a continuing responsibility, once a custody or protective order concerning the child is issued, to provide addresses and contact telephone numbers to the other parent and to immediately notify the other parent of any emergency circumstances or substantial changes in the health of the child.
Schedule deviations
Parents shall put mutually agreed changes to the parenting time schedule in writing so there will be no dispute as to the change dated and signed by both parents.
Non-assigned times
Unless otherwise agreed in writing, (mom) is responsible for the child during all time not awarded to (dad).
Notice to Parents
The terms of child support and parenting time (visitation) orders are designed for the childs benefit and not the parents benefit. You must pay support even if you are not receiving parenting time. You must comply with parenting time orders even if you are not receiving child support.
Violation of child support and parenting time orders is punishable by fine, imprisonment or other penalties.
Publicly funded help is available to establish, enforce and modify child support orders. Contact your local district attorney, domestic relations court clerk or the Department of Human Resources (503) 378-5567 for information.
Publicly funded help may be available to establish, enforce or modify parenting time orders. Forms are available to enforce parenting time orders. Contact the family court specialist in the civil office of the local state circuit court.
Just one comment: MNN offered a lot of useful items. There was one that was of interest to me:
\"Restraint
The court restrains and enjoins parents subject to this parenting time schedule from making derogatory comments about the other parent or in any way diminishing the love, respect, and affection that the child has for the other parent. \"
Just a few days ago I reviewed my parenting plan (not final yet) and actually had my lawyer strike a similar paragraph out. Now I don\'t plan to disparage stbx to my daughter. And I don\'t think she disparages me to her either. However, I did not feel comfortable having a legal agreement that basically says I can\'t say ANYTHING negative about her EVER (as long as my daughter is a minor). We have discussed at length on this board whether to ever disclose cheating to a child. My daughter is 8, so the answer is NO. But when she\'s 16, if she starts asking a lot of questions and probing what happened in our marriage that led to divorce, etc, I want the freedom to make up my mind at that point in time whether to tell her the truth. And I don\'t want a legal agreement telling me I can\'t do that or face some sort of punishment. Just my opinion on that one. My stbx is going to say what she wants to say regardless of the agreement; she won\'t follow it nearly as closely as I will. So it doesn\'t really hurt me to take that clause out.
Thx Guys,
I will post mine when I get the chance. Instead of the restraint clause, I have a set of principles we both agree to behave by. Putting interests of children first. Being respectful of each other. Etc. So, we. Get at the derogatory comments from the positive angle.
Do either of you have regular meetings (say quarterly). When you would meet with ex to discuss approach to things like discipline, activities, screen time, bedtime etc? We are trying to make rules similar in both houses. We haven\'t started yet but I raised it and ex is agreeable.
I have 90% custody.. and honestly my ex hasn\'t ever brought any of those things up.. my roof, my rules.. and vise versa.. so far hasn\'t been a problem, but I like that idea.. if you can make it work, I\'d just rather not have that much contact with my ex..I\'m grateful he\'s leaving those decisions up to me.. best of luck strong :)
Ahh 90 percent custody... now that is bliss!
lol, it definitely has its moments! :)