My world has stopped once again
Do you ever wonder why you do certain things? I ordered Jennifer's medical records because I just wanted to see exactly what was done and possibly why and was I really told everything? I received those medical records and spend last nite reading some 200 pages of her 5 day hospital stay....A year later I though I would be okay in reading these....STUPID, STUPID, STUPID....Last night I cried most of the night, and today I just don't want to live without her. Medically it looks like things were done right but her OB-GYN who was clearly out of his element, knew the Spinal Fluid was showing a "strong possibility" of malignancy the 2nd day of her hospitalization....I wasn't told......He also had a progress note on the 2nd day that she was better ???????? cognitively she was better....that f*&*&ing Dr is smoking crack....She was more and more lethargic everyday....3rd day could not walk and was talking in scrambles....yep, there was cancer in her spinal fluid washing her brain....didn't know till ventilator, unresponsive, 5 days later.....
Just WHAT IF I would have known...I could have said.....so many things.....I am stuck there today.....crying, can't breathe and absofuckinglutely hating that Dr......the neurologist didn't get involved until too late..... The OB-GYN Oncologist focused on my daughter eating brownies laced with marijuana..marijuana overdose....REALLY????? if ONLY I WASN'T IN SHOCK, DISBELIEF, IF ONLY........
Can't breathe, don't even want to.......I'm tired of hanging on, I'm tired of looking for hope, I'm just tired.
Just WHAT IF I would have known...I could have said.....so many things.....I am stuck there today.....crying, can't breathe and absofuckinglutely hating that Dr......the neurologist didn't get involved until too late..... The OB-GYN Oncologist focused on my daughter eating brownies laced with marijuana..marijuana overdose....REALLY????? if ONLY I WASN'T IN SHOCK, DISBELIEF, IF ONLY........
Can't breathe, don't even want to.......I'm tired of hanging on, I'm tired of looking for hope, I'm just tired.
Replies
How sad and terrible you must feel. I have no words other than wish things were different. Ken died of cancer and if I read his records, I am sure I would be so upset. Didn\'t find out he had a tumor on his spine of course he was in much pain. Hope is knowing that one day we will see our children again. Yes it does get tiring hanging on. But we have to have hope for our time with our child again. Thoughts and prayers sending your way..
Tight hugs dear Vicki. I wish I could be there to cry with you.
I did not read Lisa\'s medical records but her best friend, a nurse did and was traumatized. She told me not to look at them. Lisa\'s doctors too were out of their element; did all the wrong things to treat her complications. I still go through periods when I would love to beat the living Hell out of them.
One breath at a time.
Love, Marlene
Of course you are tired..of everything. I am sorry that it seems like square one on this journey yet again. Curiousity overtakes us and we just have to know what is behind that curtain...I have given up the whys and who didn\'t do what they should have to stop ..blah blah..An author friend that I met this summer..she gave me a copy of her book about her aftermath of her son\'s suicide..anyhoo she talks about doing a psychological autopsy ..it helped her. But it would send me into a spiral of dramatic proportions.. I will try to breath in intersession and pray for you..it is so hard not to feel contempt for those who should have known better...done better. I love you and and am grateful for you daily..really. Lauri
As a mother you wanted and \"needed\" to know everything and I understand this. I never asked for the ME report on our son, yet reading the cause of death was enough on his death certificate. It still takes my breath away...
You are needing to know everything that you can to try to wrap your mind and heart around what truly happened with your beloved Jennifer. I understand that people can say what does it matter as it does not change the outcome, yet for some of us we need to know everything possible.
With you, caring and know that there is truly nothing that I can say to soften this horrific blow, yet I too will be saying my prayers on your behalf that you be comforted in some way to help you navigate moment by moment.
Loving care dear Vicki and the most gentle of hugs,
XO Joanie
I am so very sorry, I know there is nothing I can say to take away your pain, just know I am hugging you so very tight as you go through this terrible time. Tight Hugs, Ann
Dear Vicki...it is so very hard to know it all..and yet we seem to want to. Please know that you did all that you knew to do at the time. I don\'t think any of us could ever believe that the worst thing would happen...and yet it does. I know you are so very tired...but you can continue...each of us have felt this...and some how...miraculously make it...and you will too my friend. Love and gentle hugs...Karen
It\'s just startling to read in black and white what occurred. In my heart, I too had the very strong desire to know what had happened. There is so much horrible information to absorb. Too much, to rough, and oh so heartbreaking but I HAD to know. So did you. It will smoothe out little by little. One step forward and three steps back. Christmas adds pressures we moms navigate the best we can. I know how hard it is to be here without Jennifer and understand wanting to be with her. Hugging you so gently and will breathe for you if need be.
Debbie
Vicki, Dealing with the medical community is so very hard. We want out children and they don\'t, won\'t, can\'t fix them. I hear about some doctors and nurses who are truly caring and have a connection with the patient as a person. Yet I think this is not in most cases. They are so over worked. I wish there was a better way in this country. I am with you in heart. Hugs, Kathy
I am so sorry - no words to help -- just thinking of you.
I am so sorry.....
I know I would not have been able to read those papers...... so sorry....
Oh gosh, I\'m so sorry. I go through the same feelings constantly, although they don\'t define me as they used to - different doctor, different hospital etc. and maybe things would have been different. What was I thinking back then? The only thing I hold onto is that I believe none of David\'s doctors wanted him to die and whatever they did or did not do, it what what they thought best at the time - as it was with with me. I am still trying to come to term with that in my life. You are a wonderful mother who loved her daughter and did everything you could do and probably more - which is why you look back and try to change the incomprehensible. Because it is impossible to think we could lose our children. It is your unconditional love for Jennifer that makes you question, ache and grieve - and grief is the hardest work we will ever do. You take good care of yourself and I pray more peaceful times ahead for you. Joanna x
Thank you my sisters of the heart - I do believe the doctors and nurses for the most part were great - just her OB GYN Oncologist who was clearly out of his element..... From the bottom of my heart - I thank you for holding me up in the way that you all do.....Vicki
Oh Dear. After six years, I have never taken up on the option to get Michael\'s autopsy report. I see no point in it. Even at the funeral home, the director told me not to read the part about the autopsy. I wonder, sometimes, if they did all they could to save my son. But he is gone and there is nothing I can do about it so I will not torture myself any longer. Sometimes, ignorance can truly be bliss. Tight hugs and go gentle with yourself. Peace.