My Testimony About Christ (part one of what is sure to be many entries)
So, I’ve expressed it to a few here and other times I keep it to myself, because I know that people have a lot of heated feelings when it comes to religion, but I’m a spiritual person, or at least I am when I am at my best. I ride a bit of a roller coaster ride with God, sometimes calling him near and praising him and other times pushing him away and trying to pretend he doesn’t exist. God is very patient with me and has offered me unfailing love. If you were to ask me what I believe and why, I couldn’t put it forth a straight forward answer, but I have sought all my life and I’ve traveled various paths. I have a sense that many roads lead to God, that he has many names, but that indeed there is one God who is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent, (all powerful, all knowing and everywhere). I still remember the first time I had that realization. I was listening to a song called “Wake Up Time,” by Tom Petty. I realized that God was speaking right to me in that moment and I REALLY heard that song. I was my wake up call. I saw the divinity in my partner, and I saw God in myself also. It was an amazing feeling. It was kind of funny though, because afterwards I wasn’t sure how to act any longer. Hmm, my dog is really God almighty? My teacher? My enemy? That flower? Really? It’s an odd thing, but sometimes God does reveal himself and he is all knowing, all powerful and everywhere; bizarre thing.
Another time, when I was completely present, I realized that Christ was present with me in the here and now. That realization came to me with a reassurance that it was true. Because I believed he was there, he revealed himself to me. He lit me up, woke me up, he woke my soul up and I remembered how much I loved him. I was so completely safe and loved and comfortable and happy. I cried these deep tears of joy and also, tears for the pain I have suffered; he brought it all up and comforted me. I was so in love. He also made me laugh joyously and he helped me understand some things. He showed me that it wasn’t his will that we suffer; he had great sadness over my pain. In my mind, I asked him why we suffered and I heard all these prayers playing in my mind, all his children, hurting each other. This one harmed that one and the victim prayed to God seeking justice, but I had the higher sight and I could see; the perpetrator was also a victim… He loved and had mercy for all of his children. In that moment, I had acceptance of this.
Then he showed me something beyond all that pain. I’d previously imagined heaven as place where you could have whatever you desired, but truly, I wasn’t even clear on what it was I desired. He knew what I really wanted. The joy that was beyond the pain, the healing of others, my own healing, my mother’s, all of the pain being lifted, going backwards to a different time before this happened; Innocence, love and being close to him. I was is complete bliss in that moment and I thought, “oh God, it’s better than I could have imagined, you know what my soul needs so much more than I do.” For a moment there, I thought I’d reached the end of the road. I thought, I am with Jesus now, and everything is alright, but he said no, not yet…. First, I had to make a free will choice and I had to come to him.
I was a bit disappointed about that, but sure that I could and would; “of course I want you…” At this point, the memory is a little less clear; he showed me something I was very afraid of. In retrospect now, he showed me childhood memories of my dad (which were repressed). I was in big trouble and afraid; I was going to get whipped with the belt. I was scared and also humiliated; I felt naked; all of my sin revealed; I didn’t want anyone to know. There were other things like this, and I can’t quite recall it clearly, but I went from, “oh yes, of course I’ll follow your will” to “hell no, are you fuckin crazy? Get me the hell out of here!” I became really confused about what he wanted me to do and I’m still a little confused about it.
It’s crossed my mind that an opposing force brought these things into my mind. I didn’t understand it because I didn’t remember the abuse. I now realize that those things I saw and was afraid of were parts of my past, things I’d like to forget about and in fact had forgotten. It’s been more than ten years since that happened, and I’m just now getting to the point where I feel I may be able to face my past. I’ve been running from it for a long time and my fear has a lot of power over me. Anyway, it’s not as frightening as it used to be and I think if I travel though the darkness with the Lord, I very well might come out on the other side, quite transformed. I think that is what this might be about; my pain is shaping me into something greater....
Anyway, that is when I really came to have faith in Christ. I was anything but a Christian before that day and have not been able to deny Christ since that day. Though I’ve really wanted to deny Christ at times (I truly have). I know it’s because my perspective is wrong, because there is something I am not seeing correctly, because truly, I know, I am very blessed for having had an experience. I should be (and am truly) very grateful that I truly know that God’s love for is great and that Christ is very real. More real than anything else I’ve ever experienced. Despite all else, God’s love truly is more powerful than anything else (even my pain and fear), and it pushes me onward through this life.
After this happened to me, it was sort of funny, I had to humble myself. I was very embarrassed. I’d come from a family full of hypocritical Catholics, and I’d been putting down Christianity for years; learning about anything but Christ… Then, all of a sudden, one day out of the blue, I had to go back to those same people I’d told these things to and I had to admit that I was wrong. I was a Christian, and I’d had this weird experience of Christ. Not only that, but now I had to believe in him, there was no longer an option. I couldn’t say, of well, I don’t believe that crap. I couldn’t unsee Christ, and it frustrated me, because it meant I’d have to believe all the stuff the bible says, and parts of that book make no sense at all, or are hard to accept, and the morality; ugh. All of a sudden I was questioning whether or not it was sinful to have sex…
I’ve grown a lot since then, but this experience forced me to have to deal with these things; there has been a very real internal battle going on inside of me.
Anyway, I want to start sharing some of my Christ stories here, because still, to this day, I am a terrible witness. My lack of faithfulness is astoundingly shameful considering what Christ had shown me and I know I can’t heal myself. I can’t do this on my own. It’s much bigger than I am. I need Christ to get though this part of my life; he is the only one who can bring me healing. So, when I’m on here and I’m talking with people and I’m seeking help or I’m offering help, I need to offer testimony to those of you who do not know Christ (and even to those who do). It’s like I’m sitting here talking about cancer with people who are dying of it, all the while having the cure in my back pocket, but never pulling it out. I do know what will heal me and what can heal you, so I’m going to try to be a witness and share some of the experiences I have been fortunate enough to have. (Yes, I have more). I’m a little bit like that doubting Thomas fellow; seen it and still have trouble believing…. I think I may finally be getting it though.
Another time, when I was completely present, I realized that Christ was present with me in the here and now. That realization came to me with a reassurance that it was true. Because I believed he was there, he revealed himself to me. He lit me up, woke me up, he woke my soul up and I remembered how much I loved him. I was so completely safe and loved and comfortable and happy. I cried these deep tears of joy and also, tears for the pain I have suffered; he brought it all up and comforted me. I was so in love. He also made me laugh joyously and he helped me understand some things. He showed me that it wasn’t his will that we suffer; he had great sadness over my pain. In my mind, I asked him why we suffered and I heard all these prayers playing in my mind, all his children, hurting each other. This one harmed that one and the victim prayed to God seeking justice, but I had the higher sight and I could see; the perpetrator was also a victim… He loved and had mercy for all of his children. In that moment, I had acceptance of this.
Then he showed me something beyond all that pain. I’d previously imagined heaven as place where you could have whatever you desired, but truly, I wasn’t even clear on what it was I desired. He knew what I really wanted. The joy that was beyond the pain, the healing of others, my own healing, my mother’s, all of the pain being lifted, going backwards to a different time before this happened; Innocence, love and being close to him. I was is complete bliss in that moment and I thought, “oh God, it’s better than I could have imagined, you know what my soul needs so much more than I do.” For a moment there, I thought I’d reached the end of the road. I thought, I am with Jesus now, and everything is alright, but he said no, not yet…. First, I had to make a free will choice and I had to come to him.
I was a bit disappointed about that, but sure that I could and would; “of course I want you…” At this point, the memory is a little less clear; he showed me something I was very afraid of. In retrospect now, he showed me childhood memories of my dad (which were repressed). I was in big trouble and afraid; I was going to get whipped with the belt. I was scared and also humiliated; I felt naked; all of my sin revealed; I didn’t want anyone to know. There were other things like this, and I can’t quite recall it clearly, but I went from, “oh yes, of course I’ll follow your will” to “hell no, are you fuckin crazy? Get me the hell out of here!” I became really confused about what he wanted me to do and I’m still a little confused about it.
It’s crossed my mind that an opposing force brought these things into my mind. I didn’t understand it because I didn’t remember the abuse. I now realize that those things I saw and was afraid of were parts of my past, things I’d like to forget about and in fact had forgotten. It’s been more than ten years since that happened, and I’m just now getting to the point where I feel I may be able to face my past. I’ve been running from it for a long time and my fear has a lot of power over me. Anyway, it’s not as frightening as it used to be and I think if I travel though the darkness with the Lord, I very well might come out on the other side, quite transformed. I think that is what this might be about; my pain is shaping me into something greater....
Anyway, that is when I really came to have faith in Christ. I was anything but a Christian before that day and have not been able to deny Christ since that day. Though I’ve really wanted to deny Christ at times (I truly have). I know it’s because my perspective is wrong, because there is something I am not seeing correctly, because truly, I know, I am very blessed for having had an experience. I should be (and am truly) very grateful that I truly know that God’s love for is great and that Christ is very real. More real than anything else I’ve ever experienced. Despite all else, God’s love truly is more powerful than anything else (even my pain and fear), and it pushes me onward through this life.
After this happened to me, it was sort of funny, I had to humble myself. I was very embarrassed. I’d come from a family full of hypocritical Catholics, and I’d been putting down Christianity for years; learning about anything but Christ… Then, all of a sudden, one day out of the blue, I had to go back to those same people I’d told these things to and I had to admit that I was wrong. I was a Christian, and I’d had this weird experience of Christ. Not only that, but now I had to believe in him, there was no longer an option. I couldn’t say, of well, I don’t believe that crap. I couldn’t unsee Christ, and it frustrated me, because it meant I’d have to believe all the stuff the bible says, and parts of that book make no sense at all, or are hard to accept, and the morality; ugh. All of a sudden I was questioning whether or not it was sinful to have sex…
I’ve grown a lot since then, but this experience forced me to have to deal with these things; there has been a very real internal battle going on inside of me.
Anyway, I want to start sharing some of my Christ stories here, because still, to this day, I am a terrible witness. My lack of faithfulness is astoundingly shameful considering what Christ had shown me and I know I can’t heal myself. I can’t do this on my own. It’s much bigger than I am. I need Christ to get though this part of my life; he is the only one who can bring me healing. So, when I’m on here and I’m talking with people and I’m seeking help or I’m offering help, I need to offer testimony to those of you who do not know Christ (and even to those who do). It’s like I’m sitting here talking about cancer with people who are dying of it, all the while having the cure in my back pocket, but never pulling it out. I do know what will heal me and what can heal you, so I’m going to try to be a witness and share some of the experiences I have been fortunate enough to have. (Yes, I have more). I’m a little bit like that doubting Thomas fellow; seen it and still have trouble believing…. I think I may finally be getting it though.
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