My source of inspiration; moving towards healing

This is a journal I wrote on 6-6-10; this marked the end of my self-destructive behavior. I was about to sink deeper into a unhealthy relationship with a sadist; my sexual addiction was at it's peak; I was starting to feed myself endorphin/pain to a higher degree... Although I have people in my life who love me and many, many blessings, I was rejecting that, because I hurt deeply and was acting out; I have a deep wound that never healed propery.
In my journey, LSD has been an incredable medicine (sorry but it's true); I also consider it a sacrament and a way of getting in touch with God (due to expierance). I hadn't taken acid in several years because I was being self destructive and I was a little bit afraid of how that would affect my expierance. Yet, I knew I need to get a grip and for me, I know LSD will give me that.
After this expierance I (once again) embraced my spirituality, I made a promise to stop hurting myself (and I did). Two month's later (after I stopped doing all the things I do to repress the pain), the memories of childhood incest hit me. Now I know what has been taring me up inside and I'm committed to healing. Here is the catalyst for that:
6/6/10
 
On Friday evening, Robert and I took some LSD. Funny, it was just a couple of hits and we were unsure whether or not we would “get off.” I was just a little past 11:00 PM when we took it. We wanted to time it right for a great morning and so we waited until this late hour. But, I was very tired and so we decided to put on some music and lay down while it started to come on.
 
I didn’t go for the typical trippy hippie stuff, I guess I needed to feel comfort and so I just queued up some dulcimer music. We laid down and held each other. I tired to take in a warm and gentle feeling. We had spent the evening together, alone for the first time in a long time and that was really nice. I was good to be mindful of our love for one and other and in taking care to enjoy one and other’s company, we were.
 
So, we were naked in the bed and cuddling together, and I know that he wanted to make love to me. It wasn’t long before we started to feel high. It kinda makes you sit up straight and take real deep breaths, stretch your body your high. Your mind is awake, your body is awake; I was no longer tired... My perceptions of things begin to change. It’s like you can almost see all the individual atoms that make things up; light and sound, almost like electricity.
 
You can hear and feel the vibrations of things; a little humming sound and your body is so much more alive than it usually is. I start to want to rub my fingers together in a way that I subconsciously do from time to time when I’m in concentration about things. I take another deep breath and it starts to come on. I look over at Robert and his eyes are opened wide, his face looks fuller than usual, I can see all his pores open and he is sitting up tall, he kind of smiles and swallows, twisting his face.
 
I can feel the energy from him and him from me and as it comes on more; stretching, breathing, waking up. Robert kind of looks a bit like a mythical creature and I know that I do to. It’s weird when you can see all your pours open and all the little hairs and the variations of pigment. Another deep breath as it keeps coming on and we are thinking, well, it’s not “bunk.” Here was go… *smiles.*
 
So, we start caressing each other and every sensation is just so much deeper than usual. Every part is so sensitive and it’s so nice to have all of this feeling; like a deep massage all over, every touch feels so good. I open myself with love, because, I’m not typically so open; intimacy carries a certain discomfort usually and I often pull away. But, I know I need to be open and breathe and love and take in all these feelings. It is healing for me to be touched and loved and it’s so important it brings on so many feelings; I may have cried a little. A happy cry for feeling deeply loved. I nearly forget the simple importance of touching each other, hugs or a pat on the back… simply generally touching and how we transmit love to each other this way.
 
So, Robert and I make love and it’s passionate, it’s nice and even healing and I’m so grateful in my heart for that. Neither of us actually “get of.” Somehow I never do when I feel this kind of love; it’s just not about getting off. Somehow that feels selfish or premature, I’m not sure how to explain. But, it’s more important to simply produce this energy than it is to indulge. It’s just the way it feels and that is fine.
 
So time has past, and it’s now nearly 2 or 3 in the morning, and I guess you could say we were peaking. We are just kind of sitting in bed and being. Thoughts and emotions come and cause me to feel many things. We hold each other, there are some tears, great joy, great love. By now I can see the fullness and magic of our Lord’s grace. This one is a little hard to describe, but let me try.
 
On Robert’s skin and my skin also, I can see the variations of tone and those variations make up images; Celtic knots and birds mostly. We are divine, our divinity restored to us through Grace. We are two, we are one, we are high and holy as we can be. A hub of energy, of magic; so blessed.
 
In my heart and mind the thoughts and emotions tell a story. My mind holds memories of all of my life and interactions with others, all of the knowledge I have gained over the years. Everything I have seen or heard or have been a part of. The things that stand out are the things that love is all about. The touch and love from another when things are tough. That deep feeling expressed, that faith, the part that says, “hey, it’s going to be all right;” Holding in there though dark times.
 
Gratefulness, thankfulness, sharing, hoping for one and other; the care and concern we feel for one and other. When there is loss, when there is pain, we want to help one another and ease that hopelessness with love, through love we reach out to one and other and help or heal. That’s where the magic is, it’s in that. In the power that flows through us; that very love; it’s everything. It’s all the magic in the world, all the power. It’s there in that love. It’s why we must pray for each other and never lose hope.
 
The gratefulness, it is also so very important. The food we eat the substance of life; each grain that grows in a field reaching up from a tiny seed, touched by the water that gives life, reaching up to the skies, to the sun. It is such a miracle. This life, it’s love and magic, a miracle; that life, is God, but also a gift to God. All the days that pass as it grows all the care and time that goes into making it what it is; it’s sacred, but we forget. At least, I know I do.
 
I don’t feel the need to eat on acid; not until a while after and then a small, fresh meal. But it’s important that it’s appreciated. Going hungry for a while; letting it build without indulging. It’s important; this idea of feast and famine. It’s the famine that really allows you to enjoy the feast. The table is prepared with love, clean, the finest plates set out; as if preparing a meal for the Lord to eat. Putting as much care and love into it as you can and receiving it with gratefulness. It all becomes so much sweeter.
 
But that was all part of these thoughts about grace. I felt hunger and thirst, being dry and needing water or being wet and needing sunlight; fish and birds; as if I had feathers to flap, somehow, inside of me, I’m flapping my feathers or I’m preparing for a flood of water. Like it’s so dry, but we know the water is about to come, dry river beds magically restored, gushing water filled with fish and life, flowing in to the desert; flower bloom along the banks and life is restored. The contrast is great. To be in the desert and see the waters rush in, to be so hungry and to taste good food, to be so thirsty and to take a drink. We need to thirst, we need to hunger, in experiencing this we find gratitude and thankfulness and there is a magic in this; it is so important.
 
That is what Grace is about in part, the changing of the seasons , being cold and then warmed and comforted. The dualities; create this magic, this grace. It teaches us so much. We are growing this way; it’s magic.
 
Anyway, there are tears and love; Robert saying, “do you still love me?” He asks me that from time to time and I say yes Robert, yes, I still love you; and I do. We fuck up and do things to hurt one and other which hurts us. But, I’m so in love and in seeing this grace and love that I have felt in my live and the hope and faith that is man has shared with me. He’s a good man and I know his heart and how beautiful of a person he is and so much, even when it’s hard or when I begin to lose hope. You just have to hang in there (and that’s part of grace too); hanging in there. There is a song I heard in the morning, part of it went, “well alright, hold tight….” And it’s like that, these times when hope seems lost, we don’t know what to do, we have to keep trying. Living on a prayer, through Grace, that hope; that IS the magic. Something will be there, the perfect thing to make it well; you must believe it and have patience; be hungry…
 
So I cried, and said oh God yes, so much, so very very much. God, I love you. Robert, oh God, I love you so much! He says, “I’m glad you still love me, and I’m holding him and I know that, and that forgiveness is part of grace too. I feel that in loving him, my own soul is also redeemed. He says, “oh God,, I’m glad you still love me,” and I feel a weight lift from me; the burden of my own guilt and regret. Now I am in God’s arms saying, “I’m so glad you still love me,” and thank you, God, thank you for loving me.
 
We are holding each other and the energies are flowing. I’m still feeling this grace. It’s about fish and bird and seasons, wet and dry and hungry and thirsty… I imagine other couples I know love and forgiveness. Being a parent, the feeling for being proud of accomplishment, that encouragement we lend, appreciation. But it changes and it’s not always smooth. There is the discomfort that comes; pain and doubt and I’m thinking about the greed of the world, carelessness, recklessness, addiction, apathy, DOUBT.
 
I hear Robert saying, it’s always something I do, I always, fuck it up, I wish I was smarter… That self doubt and I understand how that doubt, that lack of faith, hurts us. But, like the song goes, well alright… hold tight… just wait a bit and the hope returns.
 
By this time, everything is magical. There are these little tiny threads of rainbow lights floating into the window and though I don’t hear music exactly, they kind of chime and sparkle. I can see the spectrum of the rainbow in most everything; Celtic knots, and birds. I know it’s the Grace of God and it’s for me. It’s pure love, magic and so wonderful. I feel it deep inside and I’m just beaming like a light.
 
I look up at our stain glass lamp and the rainbow colors and all the textures are shimmering; it is light; it is the light. I can see Celtic knots in the textures and it’s sparkling, all this magic coming together. I think it’s like the throne or the crown, something adorned for the most high. The beautiful dance, life and love, the pain and loss we endure all this and it creates this love, this magic and power and I feel as tough it’s mine. I can control it, it could be anything.
 
But, that’s were I’m stuck. Seriously, what could I possibly want? What could be worth it all, what is it all for? I think to myself, I don’t want that power, I don’t know what to want, what to do with it; I just know I’d mess it up, do the wrong thing, or simply not know how to do the right thing with it. I’m just thinking what for? What is it all for? This is how my life is, how it is for so many of us. I’m blessed in so many ways, I can do so much, but sometimes I just wonder what for; I need motivation, direction, purpose and I simply don’t have it. I try a while to get an understanding about that, but I truly don’t know yet. Well, all right, hold tight… it will come, right??
 
So finally it’s almost dawn and I know from the past that the morning is the best and we planned this all for the morning, so Robert says, it’s almost here, this is what we are waiting for and I know that dawn is coming. So, here we are barely functional, trying to figure out what to do, but I know we are going outside, so I dress. We have a portable propane burner, so I grab that and some tea cups, sugar and we make our way outside; off to the Hope Garden.
 
On the way down, I am giggling so much; just imagining the two of us making our way down to the garden at the crack of dawn; it’s a funny sight. We make is down there and sit before this alter that Robert has made. We begin to heat the water for a cup of tea. It’s the Hope Garden. Robert is planting multiple gardens; the Hope Garden, Faith Garden, Love Garden and the Compassion Garden; when we go into each, he says, if he does it right, you should feel hope entering the Hope Garden… I love that man.
 
So Robert is there and says my god is the God of hope, and this is the Hope Garden… He’s being kinda silly. He notices that there is no cup for the Lord. *smiles* My love, Robert, he’s amazing; he climbs back of the hill and goes to find this beautiful cup and brings it back, so that he can make a cup for the Lord. This is the Hope Garden, my Lord is the God of Hope and I hope he will come, this is the Lord’s cup of tea and he can come drink it if he wants to…
 
I’m sitting up straight as I can and feel the most amazing energy. In my mind I’m thinking of the word, things like, “blessed are those who see and believe, you are saved by faith through grace…” I know I’m receiving a lesson about faith. Robert believes in the lord so much, he will prepare a cup for him.
 
Meanwhile, the morning is coming in. It’s amazing the light across the sky, all of the birds calling out. God is absolutely everywhere and Robert is still wanting the Lord to join us. I know it’s so important to him and I love him so much I want the lord to come. I want him to come for his sake. I can’t see where God is not; God is everywhere; it’s a complete miracle, the whole thing. All the host of nature reaching up to greet the lord. We even hear some neighbors in the distance cry out, “whoo hoo.” It was so funny. Meanwhile, Robert is on his knees praying for the lord to come.
 
This is so hard for me; I know the lord is with Robert, in Robert, he is SO amazing. He’s in me also, and I feel like I’m supposed to find him; to find my faith. Part of me thinks I’m supposed to drink from that cup. I want to, but how can I possibly step up and be the lord. Be that I AM, say I AM that I AM?? I know, I feel it, but I don’t believe in myself that much. God could make the dry creek run and the flowers bloom along side it and heal all the pain in the world and I can’t do that. I just can’t drink from that cup. It breaks my heart, but Robert eventually pours it out, saying, oh well, maybe another day. In essence, giving up hope… it’s tough to watch.
 
So we sit there and talk a bit. He says, he has so much to teach his daughter, volumes and volumes, but that he has to know first. He says he would never give her false hope. So he wants to do it himself first. He talks about her being let down she learned that the Easter Bunny was not real and he feels awful for it. This caused me to think about my life and about when I have been let down. I poured so much love and hope into my mother, who was not a part of my life, but I wanted her to be. I always hoped that she would be well. I was let down multiple times and so I thought to myself, okay, God of Hope, what about that? I believed I could make her well and I never could. This brought me tears and I cried a bit.
 
I don’t really know if she is dead of alive, but I thought to myself. Have you given up hope? The answer is no. Also, I see my mother in me. So, I feel some ownership for that. Maybe I can still make “her” well. I’m not able to cop out of this one. It’s a new day. I have to give it a try.
 
A little while later, I am wandering around in the garden naked and appreciating all that beauty; all the beautiful flowers Robert plants and water everyday. It’s a miracle that they grow and it’s his hope; he’s going to make this place a paradise. He keeps planting seeds and watering them We are going to make something great here; we really are.
 
So, I end up in the swimming pool. I can’t say exactly why, but I knew it was important; the “wash.” This could be the Garden of Eden, the water that feeds it. I swear there are birds in the shapes of the clouds in the sky, the clouds are amazing, the breeze so comfortable; it is all perfect. I’m told that it is always this way, God’s presence in the here and now. It’s simply a matter of whether or not God reveals himself to me. But, I’m seeing magic everywhere and I’m standing in this cold water. I’m thinking about the ways I hurt myself and knowing that I need to take responsibility for that. I can’t let doubt get to me, my emotional scars…
 
I’m thinking about, “the river so strong and swift can wash away your sin; started thinking about jumping in.” It took me a long time to talk myself up to plunging into that cold water. I don’t want to not mean it. I know if I jump in there it means something and it has to mean something. I have to mean it. I need to leave the things that cause me to hurt myself behind, let the water wash them away, free myself, but I also know how hard that is. I have pretty bad sunburn today, because I knew I wasn’t going to get out of that pool without doing it and it took me a very long time to do it.
 
But, I did, I said, “one more time Lord, make me new” and I plunged into that cold water. It was intense, but it was wonderful; very refreshing.
 
It’s that way, always a new day, a chance to clean things up.
 
So that day I thought about the Lord, about actually seeing and knowing the Lord, being able to have a cup of tea with him and trying to believe that might actually happen. I felt the need to clean up. Cleaned up the house; I wanted to make it all welcoming for the Lord. As I did, music was playing and so many of the songs were relevant. Yes, the TV was talking to me again. ;-) George Harrison came on and sung, “I really want to see you, I really want to be with you, really want to know you Lord…” When the truth hits you this way, you simply cannot deny it.
 
I watered the garden and thought about hope, for a minute the tall grass moved in the breeze and I thought perhaps the Lord had passed by; maybe. He could right? How could I not have faith? What a magical day. What a miracle I witnessed and it was for me. A lot of what I experienced one could say came from my mind, drug inducted… But when I hear George Harrison signing, I really want to know you Lord… I know the truth. I cannot deny the Lord, yet, I cannot drink from that cup either.
 
But I am, once more, waiting for the lord to come and my faith has been restored through grace. By faith, through grace… I do believe.
 

Replies

sadave46
sadave46

Wow...this is quite a journal entry and certainly appeared to be a life changing event. I have to ask....has it sustained? It truly marked the end of your self destructive behaviors? Certainly not all of them ever since?....or at least I wouldn\'t think as that would mean you\'ve self actualized...become more spirit than human. Almost without exception, human (IMO), especially those who have been deeply wounded, continue to regress at times, usually under times of great stress and revert to earlier coping mechanisms, I\'m not suggesting regularly but on occasion before getting back on track. It\'s just the human condition. Regardless, it clear is was a significant and life altering event for you.

I too, have used a lot of acid in my life and have to say, more often than not, it was a spiritual journey. I must admit...I never really had an experience that affected me as profoundly as yours did you but perhaps I might have... had I done it with someone I felt as connected to going in as you did with Robert. I certainly know I felt love while under the influence but it was more generalized and extended to mankind..all judgment suspended I guess. I became very clear that we were here on this planet for love...both to receive and give. LSD made me feel connected to something vastly bigger than myself....to the source, to God. I would always be amazed at the clarity I felt...I\'ve alway had what I believe to be an amazing intuition and understanding about people, if I possess a gift, it certainly is mine. LSD would just magnify is to an incredible degree...it would be like I could see into others souls...literally see their light. I would see how hurt, pain and often trauma would obscure their light and in many cases even hide it from themselves...but under the affects of the drug, I could still see it shining like a beacon still...even if hidden from them. I went through a phase that lasted several years where I sincerely thought everyone needed to take it and the world would be a better place if that were to happen. So often, so many, including myself get so twisted up inside...we lose our way and \"forget\" what\'s really important and hide our light...even from and perhaps especially from, ourselves. We become lost. I was lost then...with only the respite given by the LSD.

I had tremendous and profound insights and I believe glimpses of God and truth while on LSD and at times on other hallucinogenics as well. Unfortunately, after a time, I suppose due to just the experience of life, would lose sight of what I knew in my heart to be true. It just never sustained like over a long period like you apparently were able to do. I am very happy for you. Perhaps, actually not perhaps, but another difference for me was at the time I was using....much, if not most of the pain and trauma of my past, was still buried...I just hadn\'t reached that place of self awareness where I fully understood to real affect, the sexual abuse had had on me. I had introspected and was working on the other abuse I suffered (physical, emotional) but wasn\'t able to allow the sexual abuse issues to rise out of their unconscious home long enough to really look at it\'s affect on my life. So I dk...maybe for that reason, my experiences with LSD, didn\'t allow me to heal those issues. Anyway, after a few years, I finally had a \"bad trip\"...very, very scary...although I used many times after that...that \"fear\" that it could happen again never left me and the purity of my experiences were never the same...I was never as open and innocent as I had been. It\'s been many, many years now since I\'ve used. I dk whether I ever will again but I can\'t help but wonder what the experience would be like now.....I have grown so much, my level of understanding so much greater. I can\'t help but wonder what would be revealed.

Anyway...it seems your post, conjured up some old memories for me...I did it almost exclusively when I was still relatively immature and not nearly as grounded and developed as a person as you were during your experience. Makes me wonder what that would have been like and whether it truly could have helped in my healing and recovery as it appears to have done with you. Regardless, it was an intriguing and thought provoking journal entry to be sure.

It certainly seems....it impacted your self destructive behaviors. I wonder where you are today in terms of your recovery and healing. I know for me, I have come a long way, a very long way but can\'t say that I am \"healed\" or even believe that\'s even a real possibility that complete healing is possible...that I can be made fully whole again.. I can control my behavior but think that some wounds are so deep and profound...it literally changes us they never heal completely...that recovery and healing is a lifetime process. We evolve and grow but will still be working on ourselves till the day we die. It\'s all process...there is no end point. We just learn how to live with them and ways of minimizing the impact on us as much as possible... on our day to day lives. ...but thoughts and feeling continue to surface at times....(at least it\'s true for me) I just cope better than I once did. I\'m with you on the concept of Grace...a true gift from God. I struggle sometimes with it but believe it\'s true in my heart of hearts.

Thanks for listening to my rambling reply...lol

Peace be with you
asilvercloud
asilvercloud

Hi Dave,

This event was a big one for me. Like you, I have had past experiences with LSD and all have been spiritual in nature; some even more intense than this one. I relate to your description of having a love for humanity in general and to being able to see, lights shining. LSD has had an amazing positive affect on me in my life and has given me such deep insight into things that are way beyond my comprehension in my typical state of mind. I cant even begin to explain, but yes, Ive been on some psychedelic journeys (only a few negative parts to otherwise good trips). I feel incredibly blessed to have experienced some of the things I have experienced; so in awe and so in love. I too have believed that everyone should just drop acid and things would be heavenly But, apparently, thats not Gods plan; I always come down and am tasked with working through the things that separate me from being able to perceive Gods grace and live in his spirit eternally (thats how I think anyway). It sure is nice to visit from time to time though . I suppose if I had perfect faith I would not think that is isnt something I can have in the here and now, but thats another issue.
Regarding my recovery; have I completely stopped doing self-destructive things? I cant say that I have completely done so, but I have made a dramatic change and I continue to put my energy into healing myself. I have hope; its like God came to me personally and showed me that Im the one in control here and that Im doubting him, but that he is still with me and does indeed love me; he wants me to love myself If there is anything that is going to help me pull myself out of the pit Ive allowed myself to sink into, its an experience like this. If I fail at this point; it would be such a faithless/apathetic act. Im not sure I could forgive myself for turning my back on grace (again); Id sink lower. I let myself get low enough prior to having this experience and I really dont want that for myself.
Its all to do with my emotions; I have had all this unresolved stuff buried inside like a festering wound. Its difficult to explain all of the ways I have been acting out, and I do mean literally acting out in role play on Second Life (a virtual world) where I have acted on my sexual impulses. Ive put myself in my mothers place (masochist) and in my dads place (repressed pain/sexual addiction) too. I just decided to blindly follow the impulses; thats how the sexual addition grew of course, but at the same time I was learning a lot about myself. Anyway, that is the hardest part for me; I become rather obsessed with one specific person who knows how to pull all of my strings; he tempts me in every way Its been hard (and I did go back to see him a couple times), but I ended the relationship and Ive stuck with that. I still think about it sometimes though.

What I am trying to do is truly change my thinking , for example, when Im tempted to fantasize about this person, I think, thats not REALLY going to make you happy; its only going to cause you to be more upset with yourself. That is going to make you unhappy and your self-loathing is going to stop you from doing other important things for yourself. Then he is going to drop you cold and cause you more pain (which he has done a couple of times).Therefore, what you think is going to bring you pleasure, is not REALLY going to bring you pleasure. I talk to myself this way a lot.

I used to smoke pot nearly every day; Im not totally anti-marijuana, but I was using it for escape and not dealing with my feelings. When I recalled the incest, I stopped smoking. I have smoked a couple times, but Ive made a dramatic change. I havent smoke at all in about three weeks or so. Ive wanted to a few times, especially in the beginning.

I also over-eat and eat for emotional reasons. Now, when I get an attack of uncomfortable emotions and want sex, food or drugs to cope, I just basically recognize it for what it is in reality and tough it out. I ask myself questions. What triggered this? Why are you upset? I try to listen to myself. I also use a lot of substitutions. Like if I dying to get on Second Life, I come here instead. It I absolutely have to chow down; I grab an apple Ive been working outdoors a lot and bought a bike; I go for a bike ride when I get anxious, water some flowers and appreciate the beauty when I feel depressed.

Although Ive got a lot of sexual issues, I dont want to completely deny myself as I think that will cause more problems. Instead I do some mediation, calm myself, love myself, tell myself Im safe and then attempt to bring myself to orgasm in a loving way. Sometimes it doesnt work; sometimes it does. Im trying to reprogram myself. Its still quite frustrating.

Im also doing major things to keep myself on track; like opening up to others. Ive let a couple of close friends know what Ive done. Im trying to be very transparent and not hide anything from myself or others. Im going to see a therapist on Friday; that means Im going to invest in my healing that is incentive, because the money does not come easily around here. Part of why I want therapy is because there will be someone to hold me accountable. I want my friends to do the same; I dont want to let them down My story (above) and in general is a powerful one and I want it to be one with a good ending. If I can be raised up, considering where I have been, then that is inspiration for others. It is also, definitely, a way to glorify God; because there is way I would/could do this without him.

I pray a lot and Im trying to come closer to God. Im reading more and learning about myself. Im trying to do things just for me; for my inner child. Unfortunately, Im driving my husband crazy and he is feeling awfully insecure. I get too uncomfortable with sex at times and that frustrates him. Im angry at him for the way he is dealing with things. We are arguing a lot. I dont know what to do; he is used to me being the caretaker (Ive got all those co-dependent traits). Now, Im kinda burnt out on all that and Im putting myself first. Im being guilt tripped for all of this Thats bothering me more than anything else right now, but Im still not giving up.

Im gonna do this.