My life is taking a turn, but Paranoia?

So contrary to the usual posts, this time I’m coming from what should be, or actually is, a good place. I am for the first time in a while actually in a good place again. After quitting therapy, things got a little difficult but I was able to manage myself and I think that gave me a boost. It felt like I was able to take control of my life. Deal with my shit and control my emotions for the first time in healthy and reasonable way, without resulting to self-harm, drinking or some other form of self-destructive behaviour.

The biggest change in my life recently, as in this week, is my relationship. Within a weekend, but after one year of being together and 2 years of being close friends, my boyfriend finally met my parents, I met his and he proposed. It all happened so fast, the proposal was something I wasn’t expecting just yet, I was so surprised that I couldn’t believe it. But I can’t be any happier because as cheesy as this sounds, I’m sure that he is the person I want to wake up next to, the person I want to travel the world with and the one I want to fight over the remote with. Besides my love life, work is well, my relationship with my parents is stronger, my friendships sometimes are rocky, but with a strong base so we live.

Unfortunately, however, the weeks prior to the proposal/parent meetings, I had a plenty panic attack or rather paranoia attacks. All of which deep down I know are not valid. But during the panic, I can’t help it, I can’t stop myself from thinking what if this is all some big master plan of him trying to get back at someone who hurt him. And in a few days he’s going to unleash recordings or screenshots of texts or calls or whatever of convos or things that we did that should not get out. Secrets that he knows about me and my family, R rated things that we did, convos of dirty talk… All of which can cause disastrous consequences because this is after all the Middle East and what seems bad is horrific here. I know that this paranoia has no basis. I’ve known him for three years, he’s treated me with nothing but love, respect and always a queen in his life. He has given me no reason not to trust him, no reason to be paranoid. Yet I am. I know that the problem lies with me.

My paranoia has always existed. Not just with my boyfriend. I’ve thought that my dad had cameras in the house secretly, that hotels have cameras, that people are listening in, that someone’s going to see me doing something, not necessarily wrong but not exactly the most appropriate at the same time. I hate feeling that way. I hate that I am so paranoid. I don’t know the cause. I know that there’s no common sense behind it. And the fact that I’ve reached this low scares me. I’m trying to just be mindful of my thoughts and let them go. Not believe them. I hope that it works.