My life is, objectively, amazing...

Some days are harder than others. Some days I just don't see the point. I'm not suicidal, by any means - it's just that some days it's hard to want to live THIS life. Recently I haven't been happy. I don't know why exactly, I just don't feel happy. I'm content I suppose. I have a beautiful home, and friends, and we have an amazing new dog (and a pretty cool cat). I just sometimes wonder if this is it? Is this what life is all about? Am I discontent because of the current state of affairs (covid 19 pandemic) or because I feel isolated from everyone. My marriage is fine - we've had no real issues. We're currently awaiting an appointment with a fertility specialist, but aside from that... I guess we have had a few discrepancies; the photoshoot I did for him caused a huge rift... and him saying (when we thought we were pregnant) that I would have screwed it up already anyways (I drank heavily as I thought I had gotten my period) - we weren't pregnant regardless so it didn't matter, but the anger and the pain I felt... I can't even begin to describe. I was heart broken. Shattered. Prior to it I had been having flashbacks, I was in a traumatic frame of mind and for whatever reason I didn't feel comfortable sharing that with him. He could tell something was off, but he didn't know what. He lashed out at me because I didn't talk to him - this only made me want to talk to him less. Then that incident happened. Then I tried do to the photoshoot. All a mess. A seriously ridiculous mess. I think my marriage lacks the communication I need. I need a certain type of communication and despite trying to have that with him, it consistently fails. He's accusational, and abrasive. He doesn't try to be, he tries to be the opposite actually, but I don't feel like I can actually talk to him the way I can talk with other people. This angers him. This makes me want to talk to him less. It's a vicious cycle. I think this pandemic is getting to me - I'm begining to feel like I have no one I can confide in. I have no where to turn. My entire house is surrounded by cameras that the previous owners had installed, so I feel like I'm constantly on surveillance. I can't even have a private phone conversation with a girlfriend. Must I hide in the garage, in my car, if I want privacy? But then the question of what I'm talking about arises. It's frustrating. I feel trapped. Part of me wants to run, to escape, but I know that's not the solution. My life is, objectively, amazing.