My Joy - My Sorrow

Saturday July 23, 2011
Today began in the regular bubble I have been living in for the last month, but with a time delay.  I actually didn't get out of the house until 2:30 and felt a new sense of energy and actual levity I thought I was dreaming.
Mom popped into my room right after she woke this morning.  A practice of hers since I have been here to help.  She softly knocks and then glides in wearing her soft cotton nighty - her bald skinny head poking out the neck, but with a lovely smile on her face nonetheless.  She lies on the bed next to me.  We hold hands, and today watched a little of my ghost shows...I am fascinated with the paranormal and find those silly shows solace and have for the last two years.  So we laughed at the spook show and then started talking about trying to get her out to do something a little fun.  
However, it was a pipe dream, because yesterday was such a bust. The Barnes and Noble adventure nearly ended in disaster, due to her extreme fatigue.  So instead, she suggested I book a few nights at a fabulous resort and spa here since my husband flies in tomorrow.  She said she would pay our freight as a thank you for all our time and devotion to her and to give me, and my husband the much needed time together.  It was this selfless act from her that constantly reminds me that the love of humanity is so deep and giving at times, it baffles the mind.  I have been blessed to have such an amazing mom and I do know nothing lasts forever on this earth...and this time, all the time, is precious and to be adored and honored on all sides of the suffer map. anxiety, my depression, and literally my physical hunger was gone all day.  (I have been having a terrible time eating)  But being a woman, well I welcome a few pounds melting off my frame any time of life.  However, I just worry I might faint since I don't eat regularly...and I am trying.  So all these blessings unfolded and enchanted my day.  
I brought mom's dinner to her at 4:30 and took my brother to Mass where I joined him early so I could pray the rosary in gratitude for the difficulty in my life right now...the difficulty is a growing pain, it is a gift, it is a new layer of me - a part of me I didn't know was here - a part of me that took all these years to manifest - - and in the unknown I know I am not alone - there are millions of people who are suffering the loss of someone they love - and well- how wonderful that I can love, and that I was blessed with such a person to nurture and love me, and gift me even in her extreme suffering.
It is a day of days.  Tomorrow my husband comes, and tomorrow I may cry another river, but that river will be of sorrow and joy mixed together what ever the ratio - I just have to accept it and flow.