my inner voice

I had a stay interview yesterday with my supervisor.  She is one of the nicest supervisors I've ever had, but she'll stab people in the back I feel,  I can't say for sure, but I feel like she will when in a group where she wants to fit in and she knows they have something against someone.  I look very young for my age,  I'm not complaining, but then again I am because it causes me so many problems that other people don't have to experience.  Anyway, one of those problems it has caused was when I came to this new place to work, everyone was in thier mid 20's, and they're all female, and wanted me to join in the group.  Well first of all I'm 43, I have a kid in college close to thier age and I really don't want to hang out and don't have alot in common with them.  I am nice, but I've always been the sort of person who likes to eat lunch in my office and surf the internet.   they seemed to have been upset when they learned I was in my 40's.   I do take my job seriously and have ambitions and hopes of moving up some day.  so I had a stay interview with the supervisor I now have, and I swear I just feel like she was making fun of me with that group of 20 year olds that she for some reason wants to fit in with, even though she is 40.  I just feel it.  I can't explain it, I over heard laughing and talking in low tones that I could not make out what was being said, but I just feel that she was making fun of me because I told her in the stay interview that if any opportunites come up for me to excersise leadership or learn new leadership skills that I would take advantage of that.  Anyway that has really got me feeling awful, like I have pins and needles for blood.  Shooting myself in the head even crossed my mind, in that way where you're like, yeah, I could do that today.  Thank goodness I don't have a gun.  I know it hurts because I'm clinging to illusions that my reputation is important when I know I'm just dust in the wind, If I could let go of that, and really grasp the emptiness of everything I would not be experiencing pain at all, and I would not care that she was making fun of my ambitions, in fact my amitions are meaningless too, my pain, everything is really empty of real meaning.