My hearts home

Todays meditation was mellow.   I sat on the back deck - warm in my boots and coat.  I thought of my inner children and I thought just a bit about thanksgiving and the presence of the mother. I thought of the narcissistic father - how awful he was and how he was worshipped by the  mother.  How it led to living in hell. I thought of my inner children - how they had to live with both of them -how I could never live with these people as an adult. 

I thought of playing outside in the white snow during a blue marble twilight - and in the distance is the glow of my castle that I come home to every night after playing in the cold.  It feels good.   I think of my crazy family -they are not with me in this warm glow and I thought of that it might be lonely in this castle.  The I realize i'm not alone, that my inner children follow me into the warm glow of the castle.  I realize that my inner children want to express themselves differently in the castle - not as they were forced to under the direction of the mom and the dad.  I let them be whoever they want.  Evelina (my 3 year old)  takes off her tight braids and wears a beautiful mint green dress with hot pink tights.  Leiha (about 7) is wearing an emerald sparkled smock with navy blue tights.  her hair is long and flowing with just a loose clip keeping the hair out of her face.  I don’t know what belle (my 5th and 6th grade self)  will wear or how she will look. I can't get her to come into the castle.    I see Mara  (7th grade) and she cuts her hair to just below her shoulders with a feathered look and she is wearing cool clothes from Express.  Jackie (8th grade) is very 80’s.  Her hair is a big poof clipped at the sides and she wearing a short parachute type skirt with  a double winded black belt with metal studs and pink and green neon off the shoulder shirt.  she is modestly bold.  Alley (highschool) is very 90’s.   They can be who they want and express themselves as they want in the castle - in their castle.   It feels good to be here.  I’m not sure how to reach belle. I can’t figure who she was or what she wants.