my greatest fault
i used to think, i used to believe, that what a person has experienced in the past is something that one should decide to overcome. and that, in making that decision, not overcoming it means that the person has not tried.
how wrong i have been.
i have never experienced molestation, never experienced physical abuse. my father had a strong presence for many years during my young life, and though my mother had an overbearing presence, it was one that was loving, and supportive of my creativity. i have had my fair share of average shit dealt to me during my youth, but overall i am blessed that my experiences growing up and developing were never traumatic. difficult at times, yes, and i admit that there are parts of myself shaped by my youth that have an impact, and that i want to overcome. but in the present i am learning what it really means to have experienced circumstances that make my own pretty much a piece of cake, even if it has to be one that is gluten-free. and i have also learned that there are things that i have NOT overcome, and slowly i am learning to accept myself for how this has affected the way i live my life.
just realizing the impact of my own life-shaping has shown me how intensely life-shaping can affect others. and vice versa. but how wrong i was to look at how functional i claim to be and expect the same from those who have had experiences that i cannot even imagine. from a scientific point of view, how could i hold it against someone for not being able to overcome the way that their brain and emotions grew as a result of self-preservation? from a compassionate point of view, how could i misunderstand the intensity of a lifelong wound? in essence, how could i deny someone their pain, even if facing it makes ME feel uncomfortable?
but i suppose the answer lies in simply NOT KNOWING. i am learning to KNOW, now. it starts with recognition first, i think, before the empathy can begin. at least in my case. some people have a more empathic ability than my own, but this may be because they have a parallel experience that they can relate to those of another, or have learned to have a broader awareness, like i am trying to develop.
i feel like i have been selfish in this aspect, but i also should not blame myself, especially if i am now doing something about it.
i love my boyfriend. so much good outweighs the bad. i know that i have to look out for myself, but i hope that i can do so in a way that helps the both of us, and in a way that keeps us together as long as we both shall want to be together.
how wrong i have been.
i have never experienced molestation, never experienced physical abuse. my father had a strong presence for many years during my young life, and though my mother had an overbearing presence, it was one that was loving, and supportive of my creativity. i have had my fair share of average shit dealt to me during my youth, but overall i am blessed that my experiences growing up and developing were never traumatic. difficult at times, yes, and i admit that there are parts of myself shaped by my youth that have an impact, and that i want to overcome. but in the present i am learning what it really means to have experienced circumstances that make my own pretty much a piece of cake, even if it has to be one that is gluten-free. and i have also learned that there are things that i have NOT overcome, and slowly i am learning to accept myself for how this has affected the way i live my life.
just realizing the impact of my own life-shaping has shown me how intensely life-shaping can affect others. and vice versa. but how wrong i was to look at how functional i claim to be and expect the same from those who have had experiences that i cannot even imagine. from a scientific point of view, how could i hold it against someone for not being able to overcome the way that their brain and emotions grew as a result of self-preservation? from a compassionate point of view, how could i misunderstand the intensity of a lifelong wound? in essence, how could i deny someone their pain, even if facing it makes ME feel uncomfortable?
but i suppose the answer lies in simply NOT KNOWING. i am learning to KNOW, now. it starts with recognition first, i think, before the empathy can begin. at least in my case. some people have a more empathic ability than my own, but this may be because they have a parallel experience that they can relate to those of another, or have learned to have a broader awareness, like i am trying to develop.
i feel like i have been selfish in this aspect, but i also should not blame myself, especially if i am now doing something about it.
i love my boyfriend. so much good outweighs the bad. i know that i have to look out for myself, but i hope that i can do so in a way that helps the both of us, and in a way that keeps us together as long as we both shall want to be together.
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