My blog...12 Weeks
Sooo...It Has Been 12 Weeks Since Cassi Died. It Still Hurts To Have Her Beautiful Name In The Same Sentence As That Word, But It's The Truth. I Vowed To Live In Truth, Face The Truth Head On, Be Authentic...I Have No One To Please. Cassi's Death Put My Life Into Perspective. Facing The Most Painful Thing A Mother Can Face Made Me Realize How Unimportant Most Things Are. She Was My Life And I Lost Her...So Really, Nothing Else Matters.I Am Doing So Much Better Than I Ever Thought I Would. There Are Problems But As I Wrote, They Just Don't Really Matter Anymore. My Physical And Mental Health Both Have Deteriorated. I Am Overweight, I Now Have High Blood Pressure, Horrible Anxiety Attacks Including Separation Anxiety When My Husband Goes To Work. I Watch The Clock, Knowing He Will Be Home At 11am For Lunch And 4pm For The Night. I Can't Drive, Well, Not Safely...I Seem To Have A Meltdown Every Time I Try, And I Don't Want To Cause An Accident Or Worse...Be In The Throes Of Hysteria And Not Care...Too Many People Love And Need Me. I Stay Home, All The Time, Don't Want To Get Dressed Or Even Take The Most Basic Care Of Myself. When I Have To Leave Home, Especially If My Husband Is Not With Me, I Have To Be Heavily Medicated, Even More So Than Normal. Sometimes It Still Doesn't Work. I Have Left Shopping Carts Of Food In Wal-Mart Because I Had To Run...Run Away From The People, The Noise, The Lights, Activity.So, Having Said All That It Doesn't Sound Like I Am Doing Well, But It Is Still So Much Better Than I Expected. My Blood Pressure Is Being Controlled With 2 New Medications. I Hope When I Lose Weight, And I Will, That Will Help Too. If I Have To Go Anywhere, My Husband Will Move Heaven And Earth To Accompany Me...Even If I Have To Be Wrapped In A Blanket To Get To The Truck. I Want A Burka...I Don't Want To Be Seen, Or Spoken To, Unless I Am With Him Or Other Very Close, Very Trusted Loved Ones. I Know That Sounds Crazy, But I Am Okay With That. What Mother Wouldn't Be A Little (Or A Lot) Nutty After What Has Happened???I Struggle With Guilt...Am I Really Getting Better??? I Am Not Crying All The Time Anymore...Am I Moving On Without Her??? Does She Feel Forgotten??? That Is Something I Know I Have To Work On, Because It Won't Be Possible To Experience True Healing Unless I Allow It, Yet My Guilt Blocks It. I Don't Think Cassi Would Want Me To Be So Distraught But I KNOW She Wouldn't Want To Be Forgotten And I Fear Every Day That I Don't Cry I Am Losing Some Of Her.I Still Have So Many Unanswered Questions And I Know They Won't All Be Answered In This Life, But I Will Keep Digging. I Will Not Stick My Head On The Sand. I Want To Know Everything My Daughter Went Though. It Is And Will Probably Continue To Be Extremely Painful To Learn New Things...But I Will Hurt, I Will Cry, Then I Will Put It Aside. That Is So Much Better, Healthier, Than Wondering...What Did I Miss??? What Happened To Her That I Don't Know About??? I Want To Know It All. Some New Discoveries Are Painful, But I Am Stronger Than Anyone Knows And I Will Grieve For The Pain She Suffered, Then Move On. I Am Damaged...A Little Crazy, Sometimes A Lot, But I Am Still Standing...And I Think I Am Going To Make It. I Have Never Said That Before...I Think I Am Going To Make It.
Replies
We are all a little crazy and YOU are still standing and YOU will make it.
The tears turn into moments of a memory and the heart will never, ever allow you to forget. Cassi\'s essence is imprinted on your heart and buried deep within your DNA. You carry part of her with you always and I know that it will never be the same as having her with you as she was before, yet it is something and I know as moms we will take whatever we can grab onto to.
Loving care dearest Gina and keep writing... Your thoughts matter and are helping far more moms than you will ever know. You are voicing what we each are feeling and have felt and that gives validation and there is nothing that is more important than to feel validated.
With you and caring~
XO Joanie
Gina, we all have certainly lost some of our sanity when our child passed away and it is understandable and it is acceptable. We are still okay. You are going to make it! I believe in you and I believe in the power of love and healing. That powerful love will never allow you to forget Cassi. I agree with Joanie. You are imprinted when your daughter\'s DNA and with the love you have for each other. The love endures. The pain lifts a bit and the crying becomes less frequent but the love endures. Do not fear your healing; embrace it. you are a bility to heal will not bring you further away from Cassi. In some ways I feel my healing has brought me closer to my son because I know I cannot honor him and live for him without some level of healing. It takes time but you will heal. I have faith in you and in your process. Much love to you and Cassi, Linda
I\'m glad things are (relatively) better. I describe what I feel like as wanting to live in a cave. The only people I affirmatively want to be around are my husband and daughter. I can handle being around my brother and sister but can\'t really tolerate other people -- at least voluntarily. I go to work everyday because I need a reason to wake up and my job involves helping people. But, I put on a mask and pretend to be ok. I\'m so glad to hear you have such a supportive husband. Peace, Laura
Tightest of heart hugs my sweet friend~~
We\'re all a little crazy after losing our kids, that\'s for sure. I do and say and think things now I never would have before....and that\'s OK.
I hear what you\'re saying about being out and about. It takes SO much energy in the beginning and the world just seems like a big scary place filled with people who can\'t understand the world is no longer spinning in the right direction.
Somehow, we manage to work through all of that and find we can face a new day with a little less anxiety than the day before. You\'re doing all you can and all you need to do! You\'re taking the best care of you that you possibly can.
There IS hope and there IS life. I\'m living proof of that.
Much love to you and Cassi!
Oh dear, even 5 1/2 years down the road for me, it still seems surreal to put my son\'s name in the same sentence as dead. And wow, did so many other things become (and remain) so less important to me. I had to go back to work within weeks of my sons death (necessary, I am alone). I remember having a hard time driving and sometimes people would honk at me. Like if I didn\'t notice the light. Oh well, little did they know where I was at having lost my son a couple of weeks prior and trying to just go to work. I was a zombie at work for about a year. I fell down twice at work and just got back up and kept going. A zombie, I tell you, doing what I had to do! Dear Gina, you will struggle with guilt for quite some time...no sugar coating that. We all do. I could not smile for about two years without feeling guilty that I was smiling. Fear: that I would forget my son\'s face, voice. Fear that all I would remember was a face in a photograph. I know exactly what you mean about the fear of crying less, thinking of them less is hard. And that leads to more guilt. I had a hard time letting go of thinking about it all the time, for fear that I was letting my son down. It all boiled down to that I came to a peace with my grief. I eventually accepted it and allowed it to become an inherent part of me, something that i could and would live with for the rest of my life. I am accused of being nuts quite often by family and co-workers, A manager at work recently told me that I am opinionated. Well, yep, I am! I know things that none of them at work know! And how dare them tell me how to walk in my own shoes, when they have NO idea where mine have been and how we struggle just for self-preservation! Our journey is an unfortunate one and I am glad that you are with us (sorry for why I know you). Always here for you and keep up the journals. I promise that writing it helps.
Peace.
Dear Gina! You are doing well. I smiled when you said you are a little crazy. I have to say, there are times when I thought that I was a lot crazy! A little is a good thing, in my opinion. As for damaged, I don\'t think you are. You are wounded, and hurt. Who wouldn\'t be?
I have pretty much given up driving. I am lucky in that my husband doesn\'t mind chauffering me around; and I use public transit. I too didn\'t feel safe. I also walk a lot - that is good for my emotional wellbeing as well as keeping my weight almost manageable. Weight gain or loss is so common after the loss of a child. My stress relief is food so it has been a struggle to stay healthy. Since Lisa died during weight loss surgery, it is a sensitive issue for me. I do not weigh myself, but I try to stay healthy for my family, and keeping my weight in check is part of health. Like you, I have people who depend on me. We live for our families. Having lived through this horror, we really don\'t sweat the small stuff any more.
I understand your guilt Gina. But I really don\'t believe there is anything that could have changed the outcome, for either of us. Both Lisa and Cassi made their own decisions. I wish with all my heart that they would have chosen a different path. We will only know the whys when we are reunited with our precious kids.
I too am glad you are with us - I wish circumstances had been different, but we have one another. I am here for you.
Love and huge hugs,
Marlene