Mother's Day Is Over Thankfully
Once upon a time... well we didn't exactly live in a castle... The house is around 20 X 8 maybe front part... The front part was a chicken house... The back is maybe 28 X 8... They added on the 20 X 8 part first... then when we moved up there we added on the other 8 feet... In the front part we had the open floor concept... LOL front room, couch, tv desk 2 chairs to the left of the door... then straight ahead across from the door a wood burning stove... to the right of that we had crowded in a dining room table, chairs and a small china cabinet... the table when not in use was scooted up against the end of our bed... on the right of the bed we had a closet... an old rough home made affair... but it got the job done... and under the window you see there to the right of the door I had a desk I got for $2 at a garage sale... I'm sitting at that desk right now... Its still in use... 30 years later... pretty good deal for my $2... on the other side of the bed there was a vanity and a chest of drawers... Funny as I'm picturing everything as it was... It was very very crowded... but oh we did have some blessed moments... Cara lost her front teeth that summer... shortly before her birthday... Her daddy was working offshore down in Louisiana... Every time Cara would smile at me I'd crack up... so she'd grin real big at me... she could hardly wait till her daddy got home so she could "smile" for him.... He came home on her birthday... 9/9/1982... 6 years old... We were all so glad to have daddy home... We had some really really rough times... We also made many of the memories that I treasure today.
On the back of the house we had the bathroom with a washer and a dryer, a small kitchen and oh my it was crowded... I had a table in there as well as the one in front... and sometimes we had family and friends stop in and we filled every place... Good memories... Then there was the other bedroom for the kids...
Sometimes my posts are funny, rambling... this one is kind of sad... and somewhat rambling... Kind of letting all my tears loose so I can pick up and move forward once again... So I copied and I'm pasting my status post from the FMO on FB... Sometimes I want my son to know what I have felt... sometimes not... It won't change any thing will it...
I am starting the week off pretty good... Up at 7:30am... I went to bed around 10:30ish last night... watched TV for a bit... I was asleep by around midnight... woke up shortly after 1 but refused to allow myself to get up... I have to fight sometimes to stay in bed... I'm restless and my mind just is so busy sometimes... but so far so good... I have gotten quite a bit done today... checked on a problem with our house insurance... a tree limb had grown over and some shrubs too and were almost touching the roof... our insurance company threatened to cancel our policy... I was dismayed but we trimmed the heck out of everything last week and sent pictures and the cancellation has been rescinded... we've been working on trimming for 6 weeks... we cut limbs several times a week but we have a lot of greenery... honestly I love our trees but they are a lot of work... cest la vie... let's see... then I peeled and sliced potatoes and onions for smothered potatoes, made some stuffed bell peppers, cut up bell peppers, onions, celery for stews and gumbo... got peas and corn on the cob cooking... going to serve it with fresh tomatoes... We like a bite of this and that... I like to only cook a couple of times a week so that should hold us for several days... So later today I will start the laundry... I just realized... I think I'm actually feeling so energetic because the burden of the looming Mother's Day is done and past. Mother's Day was pretty awful... but then I knew it would be... I feel like the only things my son notices are the mistakes I made... I love my son and I always will... but I honestly think he's very unfair... Yes I made mistakes but I did good things too... Somehow I made a home in a building that was originally used as a chicken house... they dragged it down off the hill and threw up some sheetrock for the walls and ceiling, added a chimney, added on to the back for the kitchen and a bedroom barely big enough for a chest of drawers, a closet that was like 18" wide and then the other side had a top cabinet and then 4 little drawers, with minimum room to walk between them and the bed... and a kitchen that wasn't much bigger... and we added on a rather long bathroom... so that at one end we had room for a washer and dryer and then the tub, toilet and lavatory at the other end... I cooked meals and kept a clean house, sat with my kids and drew cats, pumpkins and witches for Halloween... made Christmas decorations... I mean I tried... but its like it means nothing... John and Cara had such happy memories of the time we spent in Virginia that when they were grown they made the farm the destination of their vacations... What about then John... was I such a failure that I deserve a grudging phone call... It leaves me feeling like I'm a pretty much total failure.... The thing that mattered most to me in all the world was being a mother... all the other failures I can live with... I think... but this one... Crappy post... yes... the reason I'm sharing... Sadly I'm not the only one that is fighting with this... so I just want you to know you're not alone... Is it us or is it the world today...
Like I said... some of this is sad... still I'm changing my mood to okay... Mother's Day Thankfully is over... So for awhile I'll put my sadness and anger aside and just work on getting through till I can do better...
On the back of the house we had the bathroom with a washer and a dryer, a small kitchen and oh my it was crowded... I had a table in there as well as the one in front... and sometimes we had family and friends stop in and we filled every place... Good memories... Then there was the other bedroom for the kids...
Sometimes my posts are funny, rambling... this one is kind of sad... and somewhat rambling... Kind of letting all my tears loose so I can pick up and move forward once again... So I copied and I'm pasting my status post from the FMO on FB... Sometimes I want my son to know what I have felt... sometimes not... It won't change any thing will it...
I am starting the week off pretty good... Up at 7:30am... I went to bed around 10:30ish last night... watched TV for a bit... I was asleep by around midnight... woke up shortly after 1 but refused to allow myself to get up... I have to fight sometimes to stay in bed... I'm restless and my mind just is so busy sometimes... but so far so good... I have gotten quite a bit done today... checked on a problem with our house insurance... a tree limb had grown over and some shrubs too and were almost touching the roof... our insurance company threatened to cancel our policy... I was dismayed but we trimmed the heck out of everything last week and sent pictures and the cancellation has been rescinded... we've been working on trimming for 6 weeks... we cut limbs several times a week but we have a lot of greenery... honestly I love our trees but they are a lot of work... cest la vie... let's see... then I peeled and sliced potatoes and onions for smothered potatoes, made some stuffed bell peppers, cut up bell peppers, onions, celery for stews and gumbo... got peas and corn on the cob cooking... going to serve it with fresh tomatoes... We like a bite of this and that... I like to only cook a couple of times a week so that should hold us for several days... So later today I will start the laundry... I just realized... I think I'm actually feeling so energetic because the burden of the looming Mother's Day is done and past. Mother's Day was pretty awful... but then I knew it would be... I feel like the only things my son notices are the mistakes I made... I love my son and I always will... but I honestly think he's very unfair... Yes I made mistakes but I did good things too... Somehow I made a home in a building that was originally used as a chicken house... they dragged it down off the hill and threw up some sheetrock for the walls and ceiling, added a chimney, added on to the back for the kitchen and a bedroom barely big enough for a chest of drawers, a closet that was like 18" wide and then the other side had a top cabinet and then 4 little drawers, with minimum room to walk between them and the bed... and a kitchen that wasn't much bigger... and we added on a rather long bathroom... so that at one end we had room for a washer and dryer and then the tub, toilet and lavatory at the other end... I cooked meals and kept a clean house, sat with my kids and drew cats, pumpkins and witches for Halloween... made Christmas decorations... I mean I tried... but its like it means nothing... John and Cara had such happy memories of the time we spent in Virginia that when they were grown they made the farm the destination of their vacations... What about then John... was I such a failure that I deserve a grudging phone call... It leaves me feeling like I'm a pretty much total failure.... The thing that mattered most to me in all the world was being a mother... all the other failures I can live with... I think... but this one... Crappy post... yes... the reason I'm sharing... Sadly I'm not the only one that is fighting with this... so I just want you to know you're not alone... Is it us or is it the world today...
Like I said... some of this is sad... still I'm changing my mood to okay... Mother's Day Thankfully is over... So for awhile I'll put my sadness and anger aside and just work on getting through till I can do better...
Replies
I like what you said The thing that mattered most to you was being a mother...I sure can relate to that. I can remember everybody around Jeff\'s bed in the hospital on the day he died. I told him the only thing that I was proud of was being a Mother to him and his sister. Enjoyed so much reading your journal. Thank so much for posting. Mother\'s Day is over with one more time. Nell
Mothers Day brings up so much emotion. You are NOT a failure. Kids these days just don\'t understand. I remember when Lisa was a teen, she was a force to be reckoned with. She knew it all. I once asked if she could see things from my point of view She was honest \"No, I really cant\".
It sounds like you are a wonderful mother. You did a lot with very little. You should be proud.
Lets face it. We all make mistakes - we are human. What is important is that we love our kids more than we can say. We did the best we could with what resources we had. When I look back, I wonder why I didn\'t do this, that or the next thing. I have spent many hours saying \"I shoulda .....\"
So my dear, we carry on, missing our beloved children, doing the best we can and hopefully having some joy along the way.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
I posted an essay on ForMomsOnly profile...the same as I posted on FB, in case you have not read it.
You are a great mother!
http://www.dailystrength.org/people/35160/journal
AnnM
Children can take us for granted sometimes...they know that no matter how badly they treat us we will always love them...Cassi could be so cruel to me at times. I think it was due to her illness, but she knew, KNEW, no matter what I would be there for her...I would have died for her. I doubt he is intentionally trying to make you feel like a failure, he might just be selfish and self-absorbed (like that\'s better, lol). Motherhood is mired in guilt...but remember this, you have a son. Cassi was my only child, so I envy you...even if he can be a jerk sometimes, I wish he was mine...Lol
Kids can be a real pain... we love them anyway
Kids can be insensitive... we love them anyway
Kids can be funny... we love them more
Kids can be rude... we love them with gritted teeth
No matter what...they are OUR kids... and I can say it...I love them
When my son started complaining about me, I suggested we both make lists of what a perfect mother would be/do and I would write what a perfect child would be/do. I had a very long list and we decided to throw them out! When he was a little child.
Oh, I enjoyed reading this journal!! I could just see everything you described, in my mind. You are certainly not a failure!! You raised your children and made them a loving home.
Mothers\' Day has been so sad for me, as always. My daughter and stepdaughter live out of state and my sweet son is gone!!! I am just glad it is over for another year...
((((HUGS))))....Julia
Envisioning too this house you made into a home and filled with precious memories of living.
Understanding when one awakens and the mind gets going and what it takes not to get up and get going on something. Just resting and allowing the thoughts to be what they are is a dance.
Is your son a father? I cannot remember if he is and if he is certainly he will be humbled many times by this daunting job that no one was given instructions for. I know that my daughter has softened so very much since she now has three of her own to nurture and look after. If not, an \"ouch\" every now and then as I know I have mentioned before can really help others know that what they are saying is hurtful and not productive.
Thank you for sharing a very vital part of your past and just love the picture too.
Hoping today was a gentle one after yesterday,
Loving care,
XO Joanie
I don\'t think kids \" get it \" until they have experienced life, and some. Until they themselves are parents, have watched their kids grow and make mistakes etc.etc. - walk a mile in my shoes an\' all that. I see things much more clearly now regarding my own mother sadly. You know, my older daughter who we had so many problems with, text me the other day after she found out her daughter, my grand-daughter, had been lying to her \" I\'m so sorry for everything I ever did..\"....ha...life\'s full circle!! You have been a wonderful mother and I\'m sure your son knows that. It is true that we tend to hurt the ones we love and those who love us back.
I am glad you have written all that you have. I find that putting it down on paper helps bring out my thoughts. Take gentle care and know that each of us are human and that we did the best we could. And others said...one day they will realize..love and hugs...Karen
It hurts all around, this mothers day! Your a great MOM, sad that your son doesn\'t recognize this, yet maybe he can\'t for whatever reason. We all did the best we could and wrestle daily with the shoulda coulda\'s. Sending you and CARA hugs and love today!
I am thrilled mother\'s day is over. Ed is my only child so I find mother\'s day empty and harsh. You, of course are missing Cara and then to add insult to injury the \"grudging phone call\" from John. I am sorry. I know as moms and human beings we all made mistakes but I am sure as I did, you did your best. Be gentle on yourself. Hopefully your son will come around and realize you deserve better from him. Much love to you and Cara, Linda