Mother bear came out today....and she was vicious..
Today my motherly instincts came out and I went full blown mother bear on my best friend... I snapped at her much worse than I have ever snapped in my life...and normally would feel HORRIBLE after snapping at someone...but today I didn't care about her, Briar was my only concern. I have calmed down since the fight...but it's not something I will soon forgive or ever forget.
I am pro-choice, and apparently (according to my best friend) I shouldn't be upset about my miscarriage because i'm pro-choice... I lost it on her. I may be pro-choice, but even if i had to have had an abortion it would have destroyed me... i would have fought every second of it up until the last second i could cancel.. it wouldn't have been easy..and i would have gone through such severe depression and i would have been more guilty than i already am... i dont know if i could make it through if i had an abortion.. so for her to tell me that i shouldnt be upset...i was ready to kill her. i couldnt handle it.. and i went crazy..
I'm trying not to get myself worked up..she apologized and we're trying to move forward now.. another issue is she is now dating my ex who i had the miscarriage with...so she's not too happy about it coming up at all.. but whatever. it has nothing to do with her and i've tried to keep from involving him as best i can. but as a best friend, she should have never said that to me.. she was heartless, inconsiderate and insincere.
I realized something today... i was thinking about the memory box i bought my ex bfs little sister for her birthday (along with some other things).. i bought it for her for her dad who died a year and a half or so back now.. it's covered in butterflies (his post death symbol) and her obsession, has a slot for a picture and you can put stuff in it and tie a ribbon to close it.. i was thinking of getting one for Briar and thought i could put the picture my ex and i got taken with Santa with my dog (our "kid").. it was our first family portrait..and i realized..both of out babies were in the picture....I was pregnant with Briar in that picture... i didnt know it.. but i am so happy we have that happy family portrait together... even know im crying again at the thought..
I've been doing a lot better since new years... i really struggled to stay sober, but i did it and i kept strong and it was the first night in weeks i didnt cry... at all.. i think it helped me a lot and made me stronger.. but i know i still need counseling. Every time i try to block out my emotions and just have a good day, my phantom pain comes back worse than ever... but when i bawl my eyes out and let go and just release everything, the pain subsides a little... i clearly have a lot to work through, i need to see my counselor and get these emotions figured out.. i know it'll benefit me a lot... she's never seen me cry.. im 90% sure that's going to change when i tell her about Briar... but i'll try to be strong <3
I am pro-choice, and apparently (according to my best friend) I shouldn't be upset about my miscarriage because i'm pro-choice... I lost it on her. I may be pro-choice, but even if i had to have had an abortion it would have destroyed me... i would have fought every second of it up until the last second i could cancel.. it wouldn't have been easy..and i would have gone through such severe depression and i would have been more guilty than i already am... i dont know if i could make it through if i had an abortion.. so for her to tell me that i shouldnt be upset...i was ready to kill her. i couldnt handle it.. and i went crazy..
I'm trying not to get myself worked up..she apologized and we're trying to move forward now.. another issue is she is now dating my ex who i had the miscarriage with...so she's not too happy about it coming up at all.. but whatever. it has nothing to do with her and i've tried to keep from involving him as best i can. but as a best friend, she should have never said that to me.. she was heartless, inconsiderate and insincere.
I realized something today... i was thinking about the memory box i bought my ex bfs little sister for her birthday (along with some other things).. i bought it for her for her dad who died a year and a half or so back now.. it's covered in butterflies (his post death symbol) and her obsession, has a slot for a picture and you can put stuff in it and tie a ribbon to close it.. i was thinking of getting one for Briar and thought i could put the picture my ex and i got taken with Santa with my dog (our "kid").. it was our first family portrait..and i realized..both of out babies were in the picture....I was pregnant with Briar in that picture... i didnt know it.. but i am so happy we have that happy family portrait together... even know im crying again at the thought..
I've been doing a lot better since new years... i really struggled to stay sober, but i did it and i kept strong and it was the first night in weeks i didnt cry... at all.. i think it helped me a lot and made me stronger.. but i know i still need counseling. Every time i try to block out my emotions and just have a good day, my phantom pain comes back worse than ever... but when i bawl my eyes out and let go and just release everything, the pain subsides a little... i clearly have a lot to work through, i need to see my counselor and get these emotions figured out.. i know it'll benefit me a lot... she's never seen me cry.. im 90% sure that's going to change when i tell her about Briar... but i'll try to be strong <3
Replies
Sweet one, let the tears flow...pour them out of your heart. I understand your feelings are still fresh from the loss and I\'m so very happy for the family photo you made with Santa, the ex, the adorable pup and baby Briar in the making, haha! Wonderful memories...and your ex is also a loss for you.
I also think that the memory box for Briar is a great project for your healing purposes. So kind of you to give one to your ex\'s little sister.
You really have strong determination to stay sober; how well you do this!! This new year brings opportunities to break old habits and keep them quiet. Nice work this far! You are saving your life because of it. There is no better time than the present to attain your healthy emotional goals. Go for it, dear love!! You will make it!!
Aelle
I\'m really happy we got the family photo done, and yes, my ex was a loss for me but it\'s one i moved on from quite quickly.. it was for the best, and we\'re both so much happier now, me with Jessyka and him with my best friend Amanda. My pooch is, and will always be my baby, and he\'s my ex\'s \"kid\" too, but sadly he\'s getting really old and has been getting sick... so im hoping our family picture with santa isnt the last santa picture he\'ll be in.. didnt get a chance to go this year sadly..
I\'m still really close with my ex\'s family, i promised them i would stay close even if he and i didn\'t work out, and now that we haven\'t, im staying true to that promise. his little sister and i bonded so well, she called me her big sister and is even now still hoping he and i will end up together again years down the line.. but she apparently likes amanda, so thats good.
It\'s going to be hard to stay sober, especially with how many people always push alcohol on me and dont really understand.. but I really want to do it, for myself, for Jessyka, and for her little girl Evalynne. Thanks for all the support Aelle, you\'re a true friend!
Love Acinorev
You are so welcome...I would that I could say more, but this site is action unusual at the time...rather slow...but I do hope that all is well with Jess and dear little Evalynne. How sweet and touching...
Aelle
Thank you hunny, I have noticed the site acting weird as well..quite frustrating at times.. Jess & Evalynne are doing well, thank you.
Thank you, acinorev, for the update and great news...:)