Monday rambling

It has been 70 days since I had a smoke.  I feel more even than I did over the weekend but still pretty down.  I had waves of nausea throughout the morning which i have been ignoring and now seems to be fading.

I feel like DS in itself has become an addiction.  I am constantly online and checking for messages..even if no one talks to me the whole day.  The other day when the site was down I was flipping out on the inside.  As friends come and go here, I tell myself it doesn't matter...but it does bother me. Those that have left...it DOES matter what you do to others. I think.....if my heart stops, will anyone tell my friends on DS what happened?  Will they notice that I am gone?  Will any of my friends notice I am gone?  Let's face it, the first thing I do when my mood drops is drop everyone.  I pull inside myself and remind myself that I am the only one I can count on...my abandonment issues always bubble up to the top...after all, if your own flesh and blood doesn't think you are worth anything...why would anyone else?  Learn to stand on your own...make sure no one can get close enough to hurt you...it is what got you this far...and probably what also keeps you from healing.

I recognize this for the part of the sickness that it is...but am still unable to stop.  I wish for a deeper connection to someone that I will probably never allow myself to have, even if the opportunity presented itself.  Some days are better than others I guess.  My friend asked me if I was feeding the bad wolf...I'm feeding them both...I love animals, LOL.