Monday June 6th
Another work week....and for a change I feel pretty good. My boss is out of the office for most of the day so I can add a little journal writing to my multi-tasking here at work. Tonight I have to go to orientation at the college and see if I can get added into a class. The birthday grad weekend went pretty well. For some reason he has not been drinking as much lately. He always has this radar ...he seems to always know when I've had enough and starts backing off and being very sweet...just enough to usually keep me from leaving. This last weekend was an even bigger surprise. The weather has been really crappy and rainy, windy. After driving up to meet the girls' grandfather for lunch on Sat we dropped the girls off at their mom's and now they are off to Oklahoma to visit their grandma for a month. With the kids leaving and the crappy weather I really figured he would be grumpy and drink more but he seemed in a good mood and it was an enjoyable weekend. (Not that he still didn't sleep on the couch....NEVER that good)
It's the weirdest thing....getting ready for bed and kissing him goodnight knowing that he has no intention of sharing a room with me. He doesn't even pretend he's going to come in there anymore. Just tucks himself into the recliner....Is that what happens to all relationships? I remember my grandparents had separate bedrooms.... The kids don't even give it a thought anymore...just roll their eyes when he starts to snore if they are still up. What are we teaching them?? Are we both just sticking together for financial reasons? OK...i KNOW that's not entirely true...If he didn't care he wouldn't make my lunch every day. Would he? And If I didn't care about him I would have been able to walk away by now....although since I got the anxiety my confidence has been pretty stripped away. Most people who have known me a long time probably wonder what ever happened to that tough little desert rat that never took shit from anyone. My family nickname for years was Reba...yes after Reba McEntire...but it was a joke.
Back when I was married to my ex-husband in AZ we had quite the gun collection and used to go out and shoot(target practice not hunting)on a regular basis. Something fun we both enjoyed. So back when the movie Tremors came out ...sitting there watching the movie with my parents....there is this scene where they go down in the basement and the whole wall is filled with guns...and mom laughs and points at the TV and says "oh look! It's your house!"...Reba stuck after that. I even dyed my hair a bright red for a while(not a good idea). Now when people ask me what happened to that girl...I tell them she died. Once in a while...some small remnant may show through when I'm having a good day...but they are few and far between.
A friend surprised me recently by telling me it had occurred to her that my anxiety showed up shortly after HE and I got together. I told her that was true but I also moved to a completely different climate and to a place where I had no friends and family. She said she wondered if I would ever have anxiety again If I were living on my own. Is that how it looks to others? Is it true? I try to feel it out but usually the thought of being on my own after 9 years together makes me feel kind of panicked. I have been giving it some thought....financially I am not ready yet. I have separated all our bills now ...no longer have anything in both of our names. We separated the house bills each taking some so now I don't have to get mad when we have no groceries and he's buying beer. Little victories I guess.
It's the weirdest thing....getting ready for bed and kissing him goodnight knowing that he has no intention of sharing a room with me. He doesn't even pretend he's going to come in there anymore. Just tucks himself into the recliner....Is that what happens to all relationships? I remember my grandparents had separate bedrooms.... The kids don't even give it a thought anymore...just roll their eyes when he starts to snore if they are still up. What are we teaching them?? Are we both just sticking together for financial reasons? OK...i KNOW that's not entirely true...If he didn't care he wouldn't make my lunch every day. Would he? And If I didn't care about him I would have been able to walk away by now....although since I got the anxiety my confidence has been pretty stripped away. Most people who have known me a long time probably wonder what ever happened to that tough little desert rat that never took shit from anyone. My family nickname for years was Reba...yes after Reba McEntire...but it was a joke.
Back when I was married to my ex-husband in AZ we had quite the gun collection and used to go out and shoot(target practice not hunting)on a regular basis. Something fun we both enjoyed. So back when the movie Tremors came out ...sitting there watching the movie with my parents....there is this scene where they go down in the basement and the whole wall is filled with guns...and mom laughs and points at the TV and says "oh look! It's your house!"...Reba stuck after that. I even dyed my hair a bright red for a while(not a good idea). Now when people ask me what happened to that girl...I tell them she died. Once in a while...some small remnant may show through when I'm having a good day...but they are few and far between.
A friend surprised me recently by telling me it had occurred to her that my anxiety showed up shortly after HE and I got together. I told her that was true but I also moved to a completely different climate and to a place where I had no friends and family. She said she wondered if I would ever have anxiety again If I were living on my own. Is that how it looks to others? Is it true? I try to feel it out but usually the thought of being on my own after 9 years together makes me feel kind of panicked. I have been giving it some thought....financially I am not ready yet. I have separated all our bills now ...no longer have anything in both of our names. We separated the house bills each taking some so now I don't have to get mad when we have no groceries and he's buying beer. Little victories I guess.
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