Monday, July 3 2017

It has been 182 days since my last smoke

I keep wanting to journal ...and kind of writing it in my head…but I find myself just staring at the ceiling and then never doing it.  It’s an odd feeling.

So far the panic and massive anxiety has not returned.  I have had some moments of discomfort, but nothing like I was having before. 

I am reluctant to leave the apartment except when absolutely necessary.  I am exhausted and been going to bed very early and yet still sleeping in.  I have even taken a couple of quick naps without waking in a panic...new for me.  Is this recovery?  Depression?  I have no idea yet.  I am willing to let it go for a bit and see if it is just my body trying to recover from all the stress. 

In the quiet moments I try to let my mind wander over everything and figure out what I really want and where I really want to be.

I’ve had a couple of moments where I miss something that Steve and I had shared…but surprisingly for the most part, I am missing my other friend... 

I’m letting him go and have stopped reaching out to him.  I have not really heard much from him since I picked him up from the hospital last week.  I would like to believe that what I saw when we were face to face, and eye to eye, was not a lie and that my instincts are not that far off….but I know it’s not true. It is far more likely that he met his challenge, and got what he wanted, and is now moving on to…whatever.

He came over one night and just spooned and talked to me for like 2 hours…something Steve would never have done.  I really am going to miss that part.

I am so broken that I cannot even recognize what is real and what is not.   All the more reason to nurture my isolation for the time being.

I had new neighbors move in above me this weekend.  The kids are jumping and stomping above me.  The noise is freaking Remi out badly.  I try talking to her about the kids upstairs…hoping if she recognizes the K word that she will relax.  We are both trying to adjust to apartment living.  I have never lived in a multifamily complex before either.  I looked in the system.  The unit is supposedly rented to one woman..no husband or kids listed when there are clearly 4 people in there…hmmmm…something shady. 

It’s the first weekend Trish, stop being a bitch.  Ok…I will put a lid on it for now, even though I am pretty sure they were trying to spit off their balcony onto Remi.  We will see.