Monday_extra dose
Things have been very low for me and I have not been back here in a very long time. Depression has been high..mostly hanging around my apartment not caring if anything got done..just doing the minimum to get by. Had a few dates which were mostly awful. My ex too has now started having panic attacks and been very upset although he has stopped drinking and consequently lost 15 pounds so far.
I had a friend that I was spending a lot of time with just hanging out. He is going through a bad divorce and we were keeping each other company. His sister is my friend and somewhere in the process both she and my ex started to point out that they thought I had feelings for him. At first I denied this..thinking they were silly....until someone told me he had found a new girlfriend. It suddenly hit me that they might be right and I found I was irrationally upset about this new girlfriend..who claimed to be a friend of mine. Like most things I figured this out much too late and by the time I told him how I felt I lost both friendships. Guess I am always the last to know..keeping myself from feeling keeps me sick and then these things only add fuel to the fire.
Last night was the worst anxiety I have had in a very long time. I thought for sure I was going to throw up. Right as I went to bed which has become a frequent theme lately. I got up again and texted my ex. We have gradually been working out the terms of our friendship. Now that he has begun experiencing these things himself he has become very supportive. Told me to take an extra dose and let him know if I needed him to come over. Makes me wonder if I could ever really be with anyone else when I am this bad. I realize this disease is far more common in women than men although it seems like those numbers are slowly changing..but who is going to understand...especially when I feel so sick I wish I would die?
The anxiety has lessened this morning but I noted that it seemed like it was starting to get light out later..which means winter is coming which usually sends me into a tailspin. At work now, which is usually a comforting routine but still have that twilight zone feeling like all is not right with the world.
funny how much things can change in a few hours. For the first time in almost a year I went down to see my friend with the horses and played with horses in the sun all day even though it was well over a hundred. I was very tired and am now very sore having ridden a 4 year old that was not sure she didn't want to dump me. It was the most fun I have had in a long time..so I did I go from that to this in 24 hours? It doesn't make for a hopeful week.
I had a friend that I was spending a lot of time with just hanging out. He is going through a bad divorce and we were keeping each other company. His sister is my friend and somewhere in the process both she and my ex started to point out that they thought I had feelings for him. At first I denied this..thinking they were silly....until someone told me he had found a new girlfriend. It suddenly hit me that they might be right and I found I was irrationally upset about this new girlfriend..who claimed to be a friend of mine. Like most things I figured this out much too late and by the time I told him how I felt I lost both friendships. Guess I am always the last to know..keeping myself from feeling keeps me sick and then these things only add fuel to the fire.
Last night was the worst anxiety I have had in a very long time. I thought for sure I was going to throw up. Right as I went to bed which has become a frequent theme lately. I got up again and texted my ex. We have gradually been working out the terms of our friendship. Now that he has begun experiencing these things himself he has become very supportive. Told me to take an extra dose and let him know if I needed him to come over. Makes me wonder if I could ever really be with anyone else when I am this bad. I realize this disease is far more common in women than men although it seems like those numbers are slowly changing..but who is going to understand...especially when I feel so sick I wish I would die?
The anxiety has lessened this morning but I noted that it seemed like it was starting to get light out later..which means winter is coming which usually sends me into a tailspin. At work now, which is usually a comforting routine but still have that twilight zone feeling like all is not right with the world.
funny how much things can change in a few hours. For the first time in almost a year I went down to see my friend with the horses and played with horses in the sun all day even though it was well over a hundred. I was very tired and am now very sore having ridden a 4 year old that was not sure she didn't want to dump me. It was the most fun I have had in a long time..so I did I go from that to this in 24 hours? It doesn't make for a hopeful week.
Replies
Perspectives are very important when we mentally frame our anxiety and fear. I, too, am fighting panic at the moment because any sense of isolation sends me into a tailspin. Ironically, the shorter days seem to give me a sense of calm and less exhaustion.
How is your level of exhaustion? You may simply be fighting that...and knowing underneath...that exhaustion can take you down. I know that it\'s that way for me.
It may be triggered by environment? I wonder if you \'brightened up\' your apartment with festive artwork and objects if it may make a difference. Try one area at first and see how you feel when you are in that space load it up with objects that bring good feelings. Listen to some favorite music and most of all remember to breathe as it forces our brains and bodies to release tension and seek calmness.
Sending good thoughts your way.
((hugs))
:-) Patricia
I seem to work all the time when I\'m depressed and it helps me. Don\'t feel alone bc It has been a bad few weeks for me as well. Get better!!! Wishing u the best.