Monday 20170619

I haven't been able to journal...not sure why.  I'm just all over the place bouncing between crying and panic and anxiety.  Every little struggle I face starts it all over again and I am filled with anger toward Steve. 

I went to the house yesterday to pick up a couple of things.  He had just moved in a new bed.  It should not have hit me so hard but it did.  You wouldn't sleep in the bed we had together for years but now you are going to sleep in a bed?  WTF?  It felt like a hugs slap in the face.  It wasn't planned..He didn't even know I was coming by.  You think you know someone...after 15 years together you would like to believe you know them.  I didn't know what to make of that at all.  Had he ever loved me?  Maybe not.  Maybe I have just been his enabler all these years..allowing him to look like he had a normal family life. 

Everything is just a struggle and I am trying not to panic too hard about the money.

Remi had her surgery weds and things seem to be healing well.  When I got home on Friday, she had ripped the bandage off so I thought I was going to have to get an ecollar from the vet, but since then she has not messed with the stitches at all.  She really doesn't like the little booty on when she's goes outside ha ha.  Just gotta get through two weeks til stitches come out.