Monday 20170508

It was an ugly horrible weekend.  I spent most of yesterday crying..I guess now that I got the faucet turned back on I cannot turn it off.  I've been looking for places with no luck.  Friday afternoon I went and begged the company for help. There is no pride left, I just don't fucking care.  I don't have high hopes they will help me.  He kept pushing me yesterday, not physically, just trying to change my mind, and I said some pretty ugly things.  I told him to crawl back into his bottle and leave me alone.

In earlier conversations he had said I just needed to do what worked for me since he has more support than I do from family.  Yesterday in the worst of the day, he tried to tell me that he could not make it there financially without me.  I told him I would stay until they could get the house sold.  Later, he told me he wasn't even going to tell his dad until the end of May because he didn't want to ruin his dad's trip.  That started to bug me so I stewed on it for a few hours and realized he was manipulating me again.  He only needs me there financially if he doesn't want to ask for help from his dad.  It was the one card he knew he could play to get me to stay...that I would not leave him financially struggling...and he waited til I was super upset to play that card knowing that I was not thinking clearly.  The addict trying to control me again.  He even told me to go out and see my "boyfriend" or whatever as long as I stay...meaning..he just wants the appearance that everything is fine. 

I hate that I have to be mean to get him to leave me alone.  I had to flat out tell him that I have no physical attraction to him at all anymore.  This is only like, round 3, I still have many more to go i'm sure, before this is over.

I told my friend Kristi,  If I get out of this, and I ever say i'm going back..remind me how much this sucked and punch me in the face. 

the more trapped I feel the more calm I am feeling.  I'm sure that mean that at some later date I will have one hell of a panic attack but whatever gets me through.