Monday

Such a horrible lonely weekend.  Hearing from my ex really put me in a tailspin.  I miss him so much.  I knew this would be hard.  I have not stopped loving him, but the drinking is never going to change.  My friend Kristi, told me he just needed to be with someone that would party with him..and now he is.  yeah, I guess.  It just makes me feel like I am that much more broken than I already was. 

The weight is so heavy on my chest and I keep having moments of panic where I feel like I can't breathe and then the tears try to come out again.  I spent most of yesterday crying...once it started to flow, I could not seem to turn it off.  I talked to my mom for a little bit and she told me again to just come down there when I am ready.  Someone here at work just told me...too bad that my mom moved from AZ.  I realized that she was right, and if my mom were still in AZ, I probably would have moved already.  Trying to figure out what that means to me...is it the cost of living that is scaring me from moving down there?  the job market?  It's funny how someone can say something that triggers a response you were not expecting. 

I feel sick to my stomach and have a sore throat...harvest is beginning here so it is probably just allergies.  I keep thinking about how quickly he got a girlfriend and how things had been between us before we ended it.  How he slept on the couch every single night and did not touch me at all. How he always seemed so angry with me for no reason. I feel like it was his plan to make me so unhappy that I would just go and he would not look like the bad guy and I would look like the horrible one who ended it. 

I feel so alone and like no one around me really gets it.  I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore and I really really wanted someone to just hug me and tell me that things will be ok...even if they won't

This life is just so long...and some days are so much longer than others.