Missing my laptop

Oh, I'm missing my laptop so much.  My son's laptop had to be sent in for repair so he's borrowed mine til he gets his back and this desktop system I have downstairs is so slow and annoying.  You'd think it was run by hamsters.  Anyway, please forgive me for not checking in on everyone, but it just takes too long.  Hopefully, I'll have my laptop back early next week and I'll be able to catch up. I had another dream about Gene last night.  We were kissing and it was so real and so wonderful.  I woke up and started crying again.  I try to remember that my sister in law told me it's Gene's way of reaching out to me and I found a little comfort in that thought.  But it doesn't stop the pain of knowing that the life we had together is gone nor the fact that I'm not really living right now, just surviving moment by moment.   I took my mother out yesterday to Kmart so she could buy a new desk lamp.  She is 81 and cantankerous as they come. She lives alone and doesn't take very good care of herself, but since she still has her wits about her, there is nothing much that can be done about it.  She also isn't very supportive or understanding of what I'm going through, even though she's been there herself.   I'm going to try to get some yard work done today and get my room cleaned up.  I've been living off piles of clothes since I haven't had the desire to even put any of them in the drawers but now it's just getting to the point where I can't take it anymore.  So many things I used to do just don't seem important, nor do I have the ambition to accomplish much right now.  I look around the house and just figure why bother.  Everything I did was for Gene.  Will I ever feel like doing things just for myself?  I've always been mother and wife and taking care of others was the reason for doing everything.  I suppose part of this journey will be learning how to do things for myself.

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deleted_user
deleted_user

\"But it doesn\'t stop the pain of knowing that the life we had together is gone nor the fact that I\'m not really living right now, just surviving moment by moment.\" Boy did you nail my life right on the head with this statement. I sold at the art fair yesterday, last month when I did the two shows I think I still had a kind of veil of shock surrounding me, yesterday whenever anybody asked about when I took this or that picture, I would tell about where Butch and I were when I took the shot. It was like a nail to my heart every time as I realized we will never go wandering cameras in hand again. Plus the show was slow, so a long boring and sad day. Well they say the show is usually better on Sunday so I am off to see!
deleted_user
deleted_user

I know what you mean about things not seeming to be very important. I look around the house and think about how clean and uncluttered I always tried to keep it, and how now there\'s no one here to do those things for, so what\'s the point? I\'m kinda that way about cooking, too. I\'m just as good with a sandwich at night as a cooked meal. My youngest son is still living at home, but he works nights at a quick-mart while he\'s on summer break, and I only see him a couple of nights a week.

I think the hardest part IS learning how to do things just for yourself. First we have to find out what WE want because we put everything else ahead of ourselves for so long, and it felt good to do that. For me, it\'s not having anybody here that tells me that the meal I just cooked was good, or that I\'ve worked hard enough for the day, come sit down. I\'m learning that it\'s okay to do something just for me, though. When I do cook, I cook enough for several meals and freeze them, and most of the time I just get one of them out of the freezer and if I want to eat in front of the TV or at the computer desk, I can. No one\'s here to tell me that I can\'t (like I used to do with my boys). So that part\'s kinda cool. And the other night I had caramel corn for dinner....now THAT\'s bad. Sure was good, though.

Congratulate yourself if you accomplish something, and if you don\'t, it\'s okay not to, also. That\'s the one of the hardest things for me to learn because for so many years I had such a well-run system. Maybe my inner-slob can come out, eh?

Take care of yourself....it\'s nice hearing from you again!

XOXO,
Judy
deleted_user
deleted_user

HUGS Carol.......