Missing my laptop

Oh, I'm missing my laptop so much.  My son's laptop had to be sent in for repair so he's borrowed mine til he gets his back and this desktop system I have downstairs is so slow and annoying.  You'd think it was run by hamsters.  Anyway, please forgive me for not checking in on everyone, but it just takes too long.  Hopefully, I'll have my laptop back early next week and I'll be able to catch up. I had another dream about Gene last night.  We were kissing and it was so real and so wonderful.  I woke up and started crying again.  I try to remember that my sister in law told me it's Gene's way of reaching out to me and I found a little comfort in that thought.  But it doesn't stop the pain of knowing that the life we had together is gone nor the fact that I'm not really living right now, just surviving moment by moment.   I took my mother out yesterday to Kmart so she could buy a new desk lamp.  She is 81 and cantankerous as they come. She lives alone and doesn't take very good care of herself, but since she still has her wits about her, there is nothing much that can be done about it.  She also isn't very supportive or understanding of what I'm going through, even though she's been there herself.   I'm going to try to get some yard work done today and get my room cleaned up.  I've been living off piles of clothes since I haven't had the desire to even put any of them in the drawers but now it's just getting to the point where I can't take it anymore.  So many things I used to do just don't seem important, nor do I have the ambition to accomplish much right now.  I look around the house and just figure why bother.  Everything I did was for Gene.  Will I ever feel like doing things just for myself?  I've always been mother and wife and taking care of others was the reason for doing everything.  I suppose part of this journey will be learning how to do things for myself.