Miscarriage Memories..

It hit me like a ton of bricks... I've been doing great recently, I've been happy and I've genuinely been enjoying life.. but all of a sudden, I felt I needed Briar's stuffed leopard I bought. I got up, grabbed Leo, and my box of miscarriage memories, a picture, candle and letter. I re-read the letter, lit the candle and listened to my song for Briar. I bawled.. and bawled.. I don't know what set me off, it could be that I have horrible cramps that may have subconsciously made me remember the pain from the miscarriage, but the pain didn't really start till mid December.. I think it's just my subconscious knowing it was this time of year... this time 2 years ago I was approximately 2 weeks pregnant. Briar would be 2 years old right now.. Conceived Mid November of 2010, would have been born August 2011, but miscarried January 1st, 2011. 
One of my goals is to be okay by Christmas, it's been sitting at 95% because I wasn't sure if I would be okay. I went through trauma counselling/therapy, and I dealt with all my issues, but I wasn't sure if I would be fully okay come Christmas. 
I've been really close with my ex Daniel from when I was in highschool. He was the first person I ever truly loved, and will always love him. Part of me really wants him to be here right now.. to be holding me and helping me get through this, but part of me doesn't want him to see me like this. I know he cares about me a lot, he says he wants to be together in the long run, get married and have kids.. but part of me is afraid to show him this side of me.. this side that still breaks down and cries over a candle and stuffed leopard.. 
I can proudly say I do not feel the urge to drink at all, which is extremely impressive for me and I am actually so proud of myself right now! I don't even feel the urge to get high.. and it's a good feeling, not instantly wanting to turn to other substances to help me through things.