Miscarriage at 10 weeks

Things were finally looking up. We've been communicating, we were happy, we finally conceived after two years (required medication). I met the little one a little too early, 6 weeks, but it had a strong heartbeat. Too small for a photo though. 

We opted to share the good news with some extra family members on February 15th (family day), but on the 16th there was blood. We went to the hospital but due to the pandemic I had to go in alone. I had to find out alone that our baby had died and my body was pushing it out. I've been in pain since, sometimes cramps, sometimes contractions. They said it'd be like a bad period... That's crap. It's a thousand times worse. There's no good way to describe the feeling of passing a fetus... I could feel it against the muscles of my vagina as it excited my body. It was the most horrifying and emotionally draining feeling of my life.

My brain hasn't processed the emotions yet. I'm just numb with a touch of anger. My fuse is shorter but I'm trying really hard to not get angry at anyone. I'm okay with being angry at the world and inanimate objects still. I feel so empty now. I was hoping writing would help me process what I'm feeling, it just helped me realize I feel nothing, just empty.