Miscarriage

I am so, so sad, devastated and heartbroken that I had a miscarriage. I never thought I could feel the depth of pain that I am feeling. I didn't know I could cry the amount of tears that I cried today. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I went in for my usual Tuesday morning sonogram and "lucked out" in that I had my sono performed by a brand new doctor to the practice, who was very kind and had awesome bedside manner (unlike most of the other doctors at the clinic). He told me the baby had not grown since last week, it was only measuring one day of growth, not a week. Then he said he couldn't find the heartbeat. At this point, I lost it and asked him if he was sure and if he's trying to tell me I miscarried. He said, yes, I'm afraid you've had a miscarriage. I felt like someone shot me in the chest (not that I actually know what that feels like). I sobbed uncontrollably but the doctor and nurse were very nice and they let me stay in the room for almost an hour while I tried to compose myself. I was alone, which of course made this even worse but I called DH and he left work and rushed to be with me. We spent the day at home crying and consoling each other and just feeling this overwhelming sense of loss. I know a lot of you have gone through this, some of you more than once and I have no idea how you found the strength to pick yourselves up and carry on. My heart breaks for so many of our losses and so much of our struggles. I am scheduled for a D&C on Friday so they can be sure to remove everything and also so they can test the fetus and find out what happened (although we are all pretty sure given my age, it was a chromosonal issue). Still, I want them to test so I can get some closure, I need to know. I'm staying on the progesterone until Friday so they can help make sure this doesn't pass on its own. Also, they are going to do an ultrasound just before the D&C, just to confirm that there really is no heartbeat and no growth (they offered this to me, as I kept asking if they were sure, just not able to accept it yet I guess). I really would rather do the D&C on Thursday, but it works out much better for DH to do it Friday so what's one more day. Hopefully I won't pass this on my own and can hold out until Friday. 
I want to thank you for all of the hugs, support and kindness. It really means a lot to me and I appreciate all of it. Unfortunately, there is nothing anyone can say or do right now that comforts me. I know you all understand that. Love to all xoxoxo

Replies

vmarie3
vmarie3

I am so sorry for your loss! My heart is breaking for you right now! This was not supposed to happen I\'m so very sad for you and your husband. So so sad! :( I wish I had the word but I know there are none.
RoxyD
RoxyD

I\'m so sorry again. My heart breaks for you. I\' m glad they are doing a 2nd u/s to confirm. I know the results will be the same but I also know I needed to see it again to make sure I could go through the next step. It\'s such a difficult time. I\'m glad DH will be with you on Friday. I can not imagine how it was to find out alone.
I\'m here for you if you have questions.
You are in my thoughts
deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m so sorry, my heart is breaking for you. I hope you find closure and a way to carry on. Hugs!!
deleted_user
deleted_user

Again, I\'m so sorry for your loss. Keeping you in my thoughts.
georgiakeen2127
georgiakeen2127

I\'m so sorry for your loss :( my heart is hurting for you... I wish there was more that I could do. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers
SoMuchHoping
SoMuchHoping

I\'m so sorry. I know it is unfathomable right now...but you will eventually pick up the pieces again. So just have that filed away as blind faith. That\'s what I did. My husband and I have been through this loss twice. And it is as painful as you describe. And at the time I have felt that I would never be the same again. Would never smile again. True I am not the same...changed maybe even in some ways for the better. But I did find my smile eventually. I takes a lot of time. A lot. Be good to yourself. I\'m glad your husband was able to leave work and be with you. It\'s just an unspeakable feeling to go through this. Especially after how long awaited this has been for you. I\'m so sorry.
AlicatG
AlicatG

I am so sorry for your loss :( there are no words :(
PolkaDotGirl
PolkaDotGirl

Know that I am thinking about you hun.
Andi60857
Andi60857

I\'m so sorry, my condolences to you and your hubby! I know the grief is overwhelming and there are no words right now so all I can offer is that time will heal. Cry, scream, eat ice cream, go shopping, just take care of you! You are in my thoughts, hugs xo
GirlAtHeart
GirlAtHeart

I\'m just so sorry. I am so glad you had a compassionate doctor and nurse on hand at the time you received the news. I know it doesn\'t lessen the pain, but at least it didn\'t add to it. I\'m thinking of you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh No!!!! This absolutely breaks my heart!!! I\'m so SO sorry. I can\'t imagine the incredible sadness and loss you must be feeling and I wish there was something I could do or say to help...although I know there isn\'t. Just know we are thinking of you and are here for you. Sending lots of love to you.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Very, very sorry for your loss :-(
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so so sorry about this - there are no words and the pain is unimaginable. I cannot fathom being alone when you got the news, I don\'t think I could\'ve made it out of the room. Don\'t worry about passing it on your own - it wont as long as you stay on the progesterone. Big virtual hugs to you and DH - none of us should have to go through this.
Orriginal
Orriginal

I am crying and so sorry for your loss. I know Aboveda and I (as well as other DS sisters) have gone through this is year as well so we truly, deeply know your pain and suffering. Your honest thoughts take me right back to that time for me. I am so, so sorry you were alone but so glad your DH was able to drop everything and join you. Honestly, it took me a few months to start to feel better. On mother\'s day I got a necklace I felt memorialized what we lost well. Somehow it helped but I know you are a ways from feeling like that is possible. I am sending a super big hug. Please know we are all here for you.
CaliCutie81
CaliCutie81

My heart aches for you, this fucking sucks and IF is so cruel and unfair. Sending love and hugs for you and your hubby as you both grieve this loss.