"Merry" Christmas is questionable these days.
I always have a moment where I "cringe" at the words "Merry" Christmas or "Happy" Holidays .... more like "different" Christmas in my world.
I actually did okay this year. Different, but okay. We went to my brother's last night for the family get together ~ my first in 11 yrs. I normally work through the holiday and find excuses not to get together.
It was actually okay last night. We shared some memories about Randy Lee, laughed over some silly stories and it's a nice feeling for me to know Randy Lee is alive in the hearts of his family.
Today, I'm sort of laying low. Home just spending the day with the husband who is asleep after working night shift and the furbabies. We're having a dinner here, just us. I need that so I'm doing that.
I bought my yearly nutcracker to add to Randy Lee's collection and they stand grandly on my hutch. For me, they are a nice reminder of a child who fell in love with them in elementary school and though his days. Adding one each year is sort of my gift to me for Randy Lee.
This year, we continued our tradition of helping make Christmas not so empty for a few kids. We had 3 angels this year. Shopping for them, wrapping their gifts, knowing they will brighten their morning is a good feeling. The one little girl is the daughter of a friend of Randy Lee's. Her mom texted me this morning to tell me how much she loved everything. THAT was the best gift I've received today.
I'm in a place in my life, a point on my journey that it's not that heavy, heartache that pulls you down. Please don't get me wrong - my heart continues to ache, I miss Randy Lee every single day. There are moments when I still feel overwhelmed with emotions and missing him. I try to allow myself to do what I need to do ~ be it cry, journal, yell, drive, nap ... whatever I need to do. I don't allow anyone to tell me it's too long to continue to mourn him, to feel loss, to cry. Randy Lee is my child ~ death doesn't change that connection.
Today, I want to say to all the moms, dads, family that have had a child, a loved one pass away and continue to ache for the loss .... it's okay. It's okay to do things differently, it's okay to miss them, it's okay to include thoughts of them in your life, it's okay to smile, it's okay to go to a holiday party, it's okay. I'm not going to say the traditional greeting for this time of year ~ I'm going to say this ~
May you holidays be filled with what you need to continue on your path. May you find peace & comfort in happy memories of your loved one, feel them in your heart and know they are with you as well. Take a moment for yourself and give yourself permission to live. They would want that for you.
(((hugs)))
I actually did okay this year. Different, but okay. We went to my brother's last night for the family get together ~ my first in 11 yrs. I normally work through the holiday and find excuses not to get together.
It was actually okay last night. We shared some memories about Randy Lee, laughed over some silly stories and it's a nice feeling for me to know Randy Lee is alive in the hearts of his family.
Today, I'm sort of laying low. Home just spending the day with the husband who is asleep after working night shift and the furbabies. We're having a dinner here, just us. I need that so I'm doing that.
I bought my yearly nutcracker to add to Randy Lee's collection and they stand grandly on my hutch. For me, they are a nice reminder of a child who fell in love with them in elementary school and though his days. Adding one each year is sort of my gift to me for Randy Lee.
This year, we continued our tradition of helping make Christmas not so empty for a few kids. We had 3 angels this year. Shopping for them, wrapping their gifts, knowing they will brighten their morning is a good feeling. The one little girl is the daughter of a friend of Randy Lee's. Her mom texted me this morning to tell me how much she loved everything. THAT was the best gift I've received today.
I'm in a place in my life, a point on my journey that it's not that heavy, heartache that pulls you down. Please don't get me wrong - my heart continues to ache, I miss Randy Lee every single day. There are moments when I still feel overwhelmed with emotions and missing him. I try to allow myself to do what I need to do ~ be it cry, journal, yell, drive, nap ... whatever I need to do. I don't allow anyone to tell me it's too long to continue to mourn him, to feel loss, to cry. Randy Lee is my child ~ death doesn't change that connection.
Today, I want to say to all the moms, dads, family that have had a child, a loved one pass away and continue to ache for the loss .... it's okay. It's okay to do things differently, it's okay to miss them, it's okay to include thoughts of them in your life, it's okay to smile, it's okay to go to a holiday party, it's okay. I'm not going to say the traditional greeting for this time of year ~ I'm going to say this ~
May you holidays be filled with what you need to continue on your path. May you find peace & comfort in happy memories of your loved one, feel them in your heart and know they are with you as well. Take a moment for yourself and give yourself permission to live. They would want that for you.
(((hugs)))
Replies
Grateful that you did okay as okay is certainly good enough. Understanding all the phases that we cycle through again and again and finding peace in the midst is vital.
Always missing our children as a mother\'s heart will never forget and living life as best as we are able takes courage. I know that all too often as mothers we might not feel courageous at all, yet we are because we are still here and doing our best.
Here\'s to the day after the big 25th and once again knowing that we each did it \"our way\" and that is all that matters. Healing is happening even in those moments we doubt that it ever could be... It is.
Loving care,
XO Joanie
Oh yes.....your Randy Lee is alive in the hearts of his family & in the hearts of those of us who have met him through you. May a bit of peace touch your broken heart everyday. Loving hugs.....Vicki
Thank you both ~ hope you had peaceful holidays as well.