Meaningless
No one knows if I am alive or dead for days at a time. No one knows if I have been eating or sleeping. No one cares if I make if home from work alive. No one is here. I live alone. And it's literally killing me. And it is such a slow and excruciatingly painful death. I go for days at a time knowing that there isn't anyone who even knows what I am doing. It's a horrendous existence.
Chatting with people online doesn't replace having someone actually here with me. And going without some one here is a living nightmare. I don't see any way out of this hell except death. Every day is more painful than the last. If I thought someone would be living with me, taking care of me, tomorrow then I could hold out another day. But I know that the odds are over a billion to one that tomorrow I will have what I need. Or the day after. Or even next week. I've been living alone for over 500 days. And each day is more brutal than the last.
I try to hallucinate a caregiver - try to pretend that one lives with me, but it doesn't work. No one helps with the chores or shares the rent. All errands have to be done by myself, alone. It's agony. I literally look around my apt at times hoping I will see someone who loves me. But I never do. And I have tried everything I know how to change the situation. Everything but suicide.
I am so sad that I wasn't worth caring about to anyone. I know I am an awesome person and that anyone would be lucky to be called my friend. And I also know that very few people agree with that assessment. I was told that if I got on medication it would make me "easier to love". I didn't want to become easier to love. I wanted to be loved for who I really am.
I want unconditional love - not love that is based on whether I am medicated or not. But I was so desperate and at the time had my self esteem so battered by a coworker that I agreed to get on medication. I did it because I was told it would make it easier for someone to love me. I did it to get what I really need - which is someone who loves me, living with me. I was willing to settle for someone who could only love the medicated me - me self esteem was that low, and I was that desperate, that I was willing to settle for even that much. But I didn't get even that much!
Can you imagine how angry I am that it didn't work? That I have put my body through 7 months of hellish med changes only to find out that it did not produce what I really need? And I went through getting on meds and going through med changes While Living ALONE!!!! What an absolute nightmare.I don't know anyone who had to go through it alone. And it's a completely different experience than going through it with while living with someone who cares.
Meds have caused many changes in me. They took away my love of music, even my ability to listen to it. And I used to love it so much. It's a terrible loss. They took away most of my sexual desires - leaving another huge void in an already empty life. Meds dried up my tear ducts, I used to cry at work every day (again, because I was being treated like shit by a co-worker). But I lost that job and got on meds about the same time and haven't been able to cry since. The pain just stays bottled up inside me now. It's very painful to live with. Meds have caused many tragic and painful changes in my life.
But meds have made me appear to be more normal to everyone else. And that seems to be all that matters.
Over all I'd say meds have done me more harm than good - especially because they make it impossible for anyone to love the unmedicated me. And that is what I really need. Unconditional love. Not love based on whether I'm taking meds or not. Unconditional love. It's all I ever needed. Meds can't replace that. And meds can't help me get it either. I know because I tried it. It was a last ditch desperate effort, and it didn't work. I can't live alone any longer, and the only alternative is death.
When my caregiver left me over a year ago I was told it could take months before I found another one. I did NOT want to have my wounds left untended for months! I knew that with out immediate care my emotional wounds would get worse. I was desperate for that not to happen. I did not want the pain to worsen - I wanted care! But what I got was preyed on by a coworker simply BECAUSE my caregiver left me. It was a living nightmare, one I still have not recovered from.
The last year and a half has been the worst of my life. I have gone out with dozens of men. I have literally tried everything I know how to get someone to love me. Life is meaningless torment without a partner. Many people live alone because they choose to - I do not. It is forced on me and I hate it.
When I die no one will know about it until my rent becomes due. My boss will just think I quit and not send anyone to look for me. That is how meaningless I am.
The only two friends I have say they care, but they maintain friendship with the coworker who screwed me over for a year. They made it clear that what he did to me was meaningless. It changed nothing in their relationship with him. I was shocked and sickened by this, and still am. I proves how little I am worth.
All I can hope for now is that this nightmare will end.
Chatting with people online doesn't replace having someone actually here with me. And going without some one here is a living nightmare. I don't see any way out of this hell except death. Every day is more painful than the last. If I thought someone would be living with me, taking care of me, tomorrow then I could hold out another day. But I know that the odds are over a billion to one that tomorrow I will have what I need. Or the day after. Or even next week. I've been living alone for over 500 days. And each day is more brutal than the last.
I try to hallucinate a caregiver - try to pretend that one lives with me, but it doesn't work. No one helps with the chores or shares the rent. All errands have to be done by myself, alone. It's agony. I literally look around my apt at times hoping I will see someone who loves me. But I never do. And I have tried everything I know how to change the situation. Everything but suicide.
I am so sad that I wasn't worth caring about to anyone. I know I am an awesome person and that anyone would be lucky to be called my friend. And I also know that very few people agree with that assessment. I was told that if I got on medication it would make me "easier to love". I didn't want to become easier to love. I wanted to be loved for who I really am.
I want unconditional love - not love that is based on whether I am medicated or not. But I was so desperate and at the time had my self esteem so battered by a coworker that I agreed to get on medication. I did it because I was told it would make it easier for someone to love me. I did it to get what I really need - which is someone who loves me, living with me. I was willing to settle for someone who could only love the medicated me - me self esteem was that low, and I was that desperate, that I was willing to settle for even that much. But I didn't get even that much!
Can you imagine how angry I am that it didn't work? That I have put my body through 7 months of hellish med changes only to find out that it did not produce what I really need? And I went through getting on meds and going through med changes While Living ALONE!!!! What an absolute nightmare.I don't know anyone who had to go through it alone. And it's a completely different experience than going through it with while living with someone who cares.
Meds have caused many changes in me. They took away my love of music, even my ability to listen to it. And I used to love it so much. It's a terrible loss. They took away most of my sexual desires - leaving another huge void in an already empty life. Meds dried up my tear ducts, I used to cry at work every day (again, because I was being treated like shit by a co-worker). But I lost that job and got on meds about the same time and haven't been able to cry since. The pain just stays bottled up inside me now. It's very painful to live with. Meds have caused many tragic and painful changes in my life.
But meds have made me appear to be more normal to everyone else. And that seems to be all that matters.
Over all I'd say meds have done me more harm than good - especially because they make it impossible for anyone to love the unmedicated me. And that is what I really need. Unconditional love. Not love based on whether I'm taking meds or not. Unconditional love. It's all I ever needed. Meds can't replace that. And meds can't help me get it either. I know because I tried it. It was a last ditch desperate effort, and it didn't work. I can't live alone any longer, and the only alternative is death.
When my caregiver left me over a year ago I was told it could take months before I found another one. I did NOT want to have my wounds left untended for months! I knew that with out immediate care my emotional wounds would get worse. I was desperate for that not to happen. I did not want the pain to worsen - I wanted care! But what I got was preyed on by a coworker simply BECAUSE my caregiver left me. It was a living nightmare, one I still have not recovered from.
The last year and a half has been the worst of my life. I have gone out with dozens of men. I have literally tried everything I know how to get someone to love me. Life is meaningless torment without a partner. Many people live alone because they choose to - I do not. It is forced on me and I hate it.
When I die no one will know about it until my rent becomes due. My boss will just think I quit and not send anyone to look for me. That is how meaningless I am.
The only two friends I have say they care, but they maintain friendship with the coworker who screwed me over for a year. They made it clear that what he did to me was meaningless. It changed nothing in their relationship with him. I was shocked and sickened by this, and still am. I proves how little I am worth.
All I can hope for now is that this nightmare will end.
Replies
I doubt there is anything I can say that will help but I will offer the following because I really DO care.
First of all meds scare me to death. What good is something that takes away all of your joy just to make you appear more \"normal\" to others whatever the fuck THAT means.
Ppl have tried to get me to go down that road and I am g lad I resisted.
I h ad to kiss a lot of toads before I met my prince, but trying to mold yourself so someone can love you is presenting a pretend picture and never works.
Where are you meeting these guys that don\'t work out?
I met my sweetie at a special interest group. He was a little \"different\" too whatever that means and he has loved thre \"real me\" for 27 years.
I went through ten long lonely years before I found him and felt just the way you do now for a long long time.
Believe me I totally get it how hard it is to keep trying and how tempting it is just to end it all. But maybe wsome wonderful day you will be very glad you didn\'t, just as I am
Hi,
I read your post and I hurt for you, with you. You are in a situation that is exacerbated by living alone. You are not the only one in this situation (living alone), with coming to terms with frustration, pain of what you have encountered and endured. I live alone and have for many years. I drove myself to the hospital with life threatening conditions. I took care of me when I was discharged. I held the pain in for a long time, until I couldn\'t any longer, I found myself at work crying all the time. There were people in my life who were not for me, didn\'t understand the illness, the reality of how much my life was changing. I am alone for weeks at a time, no longer able to work now. I lived alone for years and years. I am sorry this is happening to you, that this has happened to your life.
The choices of others does not define your worth. It reflects on them, but does not represent you. I am not able to date, keep up with normal life activities, I have had to continuously adapt and amend my days. I have also been a guinea pig for many medications. Illness has made me very med sensitive and I often have negative reactions/suffer side effects. I\'m not medication averse, have finally found some good ones, but it was hard, really hard. I\'m sorry that meds have been so difficult on your body\'s chemistry. I too worry at times...think who would know? I have changed a lot of things in my life these last months. I have changed how I process people, situations and it is helping me. I have let false friends go, I have opened up doors to others. I have decided to accept myself exactly the way I am. I am learning how to communicate better, treat myself better. I am talking to people now who see me, not just the illness. I am letting go of a lot of old hurts to make room for the life I want & need. It is a struggle, I was bullying myself in so many ways. I was not treating myself very well, loving me. I don\'t have it all figured out, but my life, my outlook is changing for the better. I want to nurture myself, be in the company of people who do this also. In time, I may be ready to pursue a relationship with a man, for now I am concentrating on loving/accepting myself. Doing things to heal my self-esteem, finding joy in simple things. I went to see a therapist to gain coping skills to deal with my conditions. I reached out to family and have reconnected with many, (not all-- that doesn\'t matter to me). I have been gifted with love and acceptance by many that I thought were lost to me. I don\'t have a lot of family close by, but I am reconnecting with them too. I am not making light of what you have shared in any way, we have never really talked and I know that I am just one more virtual person...but I am listening intently to what you are saying, I wish I could find a way to ease your thoughts and the weariness you are feeling. I found that there are things I can do for myself to gain perspective, balance and to let go of that voice inside that hurts and bullies. I had to let go of negative thinking, what I decided was the reality of my life. I can\'t change anyone else, but I can have an impact on my thoughts, my emotions. I feel hope now, when for a long time I had none. I\'m recalibrating the way I view myself, slowly gaining balance and building a support team. You are worth so much more than you think...you are precious and you can have more, deserve more. Sending hugs and concern xoxoxoxoxo
I know I can\'t say anything to take away your pain.
I am so sorry this co-worker was horrible to you. Sorry that your friend still see him.
This is such a telling statement \"But meds have made me appear to be more normal to everyone else. And that seems to be all that matters\".
You are so right. Nobody cares how we feel, we must mould ourselves to appear normal no matter what the cost to us inside.
So much pain in your heart dear friend. Pain that seems endless. I do so hope for an end to your pain.
I live alone too. The sound of silence can be deafening! I\'m disabled so my budget is extremely tight. I chose not to have cable. I have a small stero system and I listen to Pandora when I\'m online. That\'s all the \"noise\" I have in my little one bedroom apartment.
Yes. I have family and friends. However, they have their own lives and can\'t be with me 24/7. Honestly, I wouldn\'t want that. I enjoy them for a period of time and I\'m ready for them to go back. I suppose I\'ve grown use to the silence.
Heretic. I want a man in my life too. Not necessarily all the time though. Just someone. To laugh with, talk with, hold and care for me and I can care for in return. I thought I had found that person. Unfortunately, he thought different. So now there isn\'t even that prospect. It\'s difficult for us with a disease like we have. I have ET and Bipolar. I don\'t want to wish me on anyone. So I\'m caught in a trap. I don\'t want to be alone but I don\'t want someone to feel obligated to take care of me. I\'ve been told that if he truly loves me it won\'t be an obligation. I\'m having problems with that. So I\'m feeling destined to be alone for the rest of my life. My children are grown. I know you say you have no family. Believe me. When a son has married it seems sometimes as if you don\'t exist anymore. So I understand how it hurts for you. It hurts me too when he has no time for me at all.
The medicine. I see mine differently. I\'m my real self when I\'m on my meds. That is not me when I\'m acting crazy and saying and doing things that I normally wouldn\'t do. I watch my meds so close I\'m terrified they will get off and I\'ll act \"crazy\". I don\'t know how you are but I can get bad. I stutter and rhyme when it\'s really bad. I\'ve had numerous affairs. Spent thousands of dollars. Lost so many friends. Had the police called on me at my church and was told to leave. Gratefully, my Pastor knew that was the only way He could get me to the hospital. I\'ve attempted suicide and spent four days in critical CICU. My kids did refuse to turn off life support. So meds. Yeah. Hell Yeah. I take them and I always will. They keep me sane. They take me back to who I really am. It took awhile to get the right combo. I went through a lot of depression and some mania. I learned what signs to look for. I just didn\'t give up. I still have problems. Dealing with some issues even now with some meds. I\'m monitoring it though.
You have to work this disease every day or it will work you. Don\'t give over complete control to some doctor and just take a pill. Know what your taking. I know you\'ve tried different meds. Don\'t give up. If you want me to help you in someway I will. I\'ve dealt with this for almost 23 yrs now. It\'s doable.
I\'ve talked to you before about the suicide. You have to much to offer to walk away from this world. Give it to us. Stop looking for somebody to give you something. Give to us. You\'re a damn fine writer with a great brain. Write. Teach. Pass onto another generation what you know. There are kids out there that need what you have. Spend time with a child. We have millions of homeless people on the streets who are mentally ill because they can\'t afford medications. People just like you and me. We are alone and lonely. Praise God that tonight we\'re not sleeping under a bridge in Pittsburg freezing cold without lithium or wellbutrin or food. If you want to know more about that I\'ll give you the Dr\'s name there that works with those homeless people. You can google him. I\'m friends with a friend of his. In fact if you want to work with homeless people I\'ll get you connected. Your views on God are wonderous. Share that. Start a blog. That would be awesome. You\'d be great. Start your own website.
As far as that co-worker is concerned. He/She is old news. Don\'t waste anymore time on them. Your friend that is remaining friends... It\'s hard but consider if they\'re doing it for job reasons. Is there friendship truly jeopardizing yours? If you\'re afraid your friend maybe saying things behind your back or being unfaithful to you with that other person than you don\'t need that person as a friend either. A friend is someone you can trust no matter what. If that other person hurt you so obviously and your friend could separate from them and refuses to then question their loyalty and start being extremely careful what you say until you decide if you want to continue that relationship. If it\'s causing you so much stress then let it go.
You may get tired of hearing me say it. But I\'m gonna say it again. I need you. When I read those words that you\'re going to kill yourself. I tense up. I didn\'t see you on for awhile and worried about you. I watch to see if you\'re active. I care. I told you when I first came on here that I did. We\'re thousands of miles apart but I care.
Now. Ms. Brilliant. You\'re wonderful with God\'s word. You\'re a great writer. You are so smart. Give us something. Let the world know you\'re here. I\'m having to do the same thing. Let\'s make our mark ok?
your not alone, you need to pray to god, i know exactly how you feel, the hardest thing is being alone, so you have to pray to god and allow your self to feel him god is love, read your bible even if you pick some scirptures,
Father in heaven, I come before You today with an open and humble heart, ready to receive all You have for me. Teach me to live a life that is pleasing to You so that I can be an example of Your love in the world around me. In Jesus Name. Amen