Maybe I'm just being silly here...
My bf looks like he is v supportive, but the way he says things are just so blunt sometimes, and even though he says that they are neutral statements (which they are) the way he says them sounds so judgemental and blunt. Am I too sensitive and crazy??
What he says is OK, but not how he says it. I know this sounds so stupid of me, but when he says something criticising, and he says it in a blunt way, it just hurts. I told this to him before and asked him to consider my feelings before he says something that is criticising. But he doesn't do that very often. Like this morning. I was going to wear a jacket for work with nothing underneath, but it wasn't showing cleavage or wasn't distasteful. He said; I wouldn't wear that to work. I felt hurt and judged by that and told him so. He says it was a neutral statement (it was) but it's just the way he said it. I felt that his comment was criticising and after the arguments we had, I just feel super-sensitive.
When I said to him to say things nicer (maybe with a bit of banter orjust casually, rather than in aheavy, judgemental way) he says he is not nice! He says he promises that the worst he will say will be a neutral statement and that's true. He mostly says nice things to me about me, but if I bash myself, he gets irate.
Re: the blunt statements, it's not what he says, it's the non-verbal communication, the facial expression, the voice tone is what I found upsetting.
Maybe I'm just being stupid here. Many people have real, serious problems,and I'm whining here about nothing. Just had to get it off my chest...
What he says is OK, but not how he says it. I know this sounds so stupid of me, but when he says something criticising, and he says it in a blunt way, it just hurts. I told this to him before and asked him to consider my feelings before he says something that is criticising. But he doesn't do that very often. Like this morning. I was going to wear a jacket for work with nothing underneath, but it wasn't showing cleavage or wasn't distasteful. He said; I wouldn't wear that to work. I felt hurt and judged by that and told him so. He says it was a neutral statement (it was) but it's just the way he said it. I felt that his comment was criticising and after the arguments we had, I just feel super-sensitive.
When I said to him to say things nicer (maybe with a bit of banter orjust casually, rather than in aheavy, judgemental way) he says he is not nice! He says he promises that the worst he will say will be a neutral statement and that's true. He mostly says nice things to me about me, but if I bash myself, he gets irate.
Re: the blunt statements, it's not what he says, it's the non-verbal communication, the facial expression, the voice tone is what I found upsetting.
Maybe I'm just being stupid here. Many people have real, serious problems,and I'm whining here about nothing. Just had to get it off my chest...
Replies
To me what he said about the jacket is controlling. By language it is neutral but given the context it is controlling. His intent on saying that to you, was to discourage you from wearing that which is a form of control.
Non-verbal communication and intent is very important!!
And anything that affects you or worries you is a problem and you are not \'whining about nothing\'. I\'m glad you shared this and good luck. You do not deserve controlling behavior.
Thanks honey, I felt like that too, although he said afterwards that I looked great in it but he thought it looked more professional with a shirt underneath and given that I had a very important meeting where I had to influence people, he thought I\'d have more success. He said the jacket without shirt is OK but not for work (although he said he wasn\'t a fashion expert, which he isn\'t) :-)
I think his intent wasn\'t to control but the way he said it and his non-verbal comms hurt my feelings. I think I deserve to be spoken to with sensitivity and nicely, and if he wants to give feedback, he can do that in a constructive way (like that looks nice but I think you\'d have more of an impact in your meeting if you wore a smart shirt with it). He is just very blunt and doesn\'t think about how it sounds what he says!