May 19 2011
I have not been on here for a very long time again. I'm not sure if writing like this helps me at all...except maybe to look back and see how things have changed. They haven't really changed much. Little things, maybe. I used to freak myself out every once in a while because I could not remember if I had taken my medication that day or not. So I went out and got myself one of those weekly pill containers. At least I solved one little problem I guess. The funny thing is the days slip by...I find myself measuring time by the day of the pill compartment. I got ready for bed last night...went to take my final pill...looked at the now empty Weds compartment..oh look at that...another weds. Another lonely night. He's sleeping in the recliner as usual. We have probably only been in the same bed twice in the last 6 months. So the dog and the two cats and I have it all to ourselves. Some days I think...this is no way to live....but then I think about where I would go...and what it would cost to move out(after all these years of living together I have nothing left of mine).
I'm just sad I guess. I have been burying myself in books lately. I love my b&n ereader on my blackberry. I just read a series about a woman who becomes a coyote and hangs with werewolves. The Mercy Thompson Series. Not probably what most people would think of that might make you sad for the affection that is missing from your relationship. LOL. But it does for me. I know...like hollywood movies it is just fiction and there's no such thing as a relationship like that where the guy always has your back and is affectionate and prefers to hang out with you rather than exercise the beer arm. That's the problem with dreaming like that ...wanting something that probably does not even exist.
I went down to take placement testing for Modesto Junior College yesterday...thinking maybe I would try to get my degree. He says he's all supportive but when I told him that one of the few classes for summer session still open met 4 days a week 530pm to 9 pm...He said it was fine but I could see it really wasn't. Just like he said it was fine when I went to al-anon. Sure he'll try to pretend he's all supportive ( I never knew I went to al-anon to meet myself a sober man....I was So glad when he filled me in(as if any man would look at me as tired and worn out as i usually look)) but the little comments to make me feel guilty about doing something for myself won't be far behind.
Well this might be less whiny than my previous entry but only just by a little...hey take whatever improvement you can right?
It finally stopped raining again...maybe I can take the dog to the park after work.
I'm just sad I guess. I have been burying myself in books lately. I love my b&n ereader on my blackberry. I just read a series about a woman who becomes a coyote and hangs with werewolves. The Mercy Thompson Series. Not probably what most people would think of that might make you sad for the affection that is missing from your relationship. LOL. But it does for me. I know...like hollywood movies it is just fiction and there's no such thing as a relationship like that where the guy always has your back and is affectionate and prefers to hang out with you rather than exercise the beer arm. That's the problem with dreaming like that ...wanting something that probably does not even exist.
I went down to take placement testing for Modesto Junior College yesterday...thinking maybe I would try to get my degree. He says he's all supportive but when I told him that one of the few classes for summer session still open met 4 days a week 530pm to 9 pm...He said it was fine but I could see it really wasn't. Just like he said it was fine when I went to al-anon. Sure he'll try to pretend he's all supportive ( I never knew I went to al-anon to meet myself a sober man....I was So glad when he filled me in(as if any man would look at me as tired and worn out as i usually look)) but the little comments to make me feel guilty about doing something for myself won't be far behind.
Well this might be less whiny than my previous entry but only just by a little...hey take whatever improvement you can right?
It finally stopped raining again...maybe I can take the dog to the park after work.
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