Make room in the rabbit hole
I went and put my deposit down on my apartment today. I should feel relieved but all I feel is sadness, anger, bitterness and loneliness.
Pretty soon I can crawl into my new hole and hide.
I hate him...not for me having to move..although that is hard. I hate him for taking the yard away from Remi and reminding me of that he had another choice.
I am exhausted. The friends that have been trying to hold me up the last few days are exhausted and have all gone their own ways....who can blame them..I was a huge burden to bear...and as always, so unworthy of their efforts.
Maybe some day I can start that journey of healing that my friend Dan is on...but for that I would have to believe that I deserve to get better. I'm not sure I will ever reach that place or if I even want to. I know I have to keep going...there's no other choice. I am far too much a coward to do what is necessary to end things and I know I would just screw it up even if I tried.
Replies
Hang tough please if I can avoid the impulse of those thoughts creeping in I know you can too. Please call and talk on one of the chat lines for suicide and you can even text them. Please call me or text me, you have my number and I don't want either of us to be a statistic.
I think you will feel so much better when it is all done. Give yourself some time to process, but don't isolate. Message me any time. Great big hugs! You can do this! Believe in yourself.
You have been under a lot of stress for a long time. Give yourself some time to unwind and de-stress. There ios an old clique that says "it's always darkest just before the dawn". Take this in your thoughts and hopefully it will help. Things will get better. Another old clique is "when the going gets tough, the tough get going". You know, I am always here and I will not abandon you.
I watched the move "Under the Tuscan Sun" during my separation, and found it had healing powers. LOL! "When Frances Mayes (Diane Lane) learns her husband is cheating on her from a writer whom she gave a bad review, her life is turned upside down. In an attempt to bring her out of a deep depression, her best friend, Patti (Sandra Oh), encourages Frances to take a tour of Italy. During the trip, the new divorcée impulsively decides to purchase a rural Tuscan villa and struggles to start her life anew amid colorful local characters, including the handsome Marcello (Raoul Bova)."